Look what I can do...

Just like Stuart doing his thing to get attention, I've been getting back into a hobby that I didn't realize I had enjoyed so much. I guess recently, with all these new mediums for displaying images, journal entries, etc... I have been trying to find more subject matters to take pictures of, mostly I want to show who ever looks at my pictures, what I see and the beauty or amazing things that I see. If your interested, you can visit the site by clicking here. There is also a link over to the right with the images that keeps changing called Tek's Pictures just under my "profile" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

These past couple of days, I've been also considering on scanning in my old photo's that I have and putting them up, some of them I took when I was in middle school, some in high school. Also it has been brought to my attention, some of the creative names that I have for the gripes of the people that I have written about... I've been thinking of drawing in some way, my idea of what these people look like. I promise there will be no similar likeness of the actual people, just my vivid imagination of the names that I had come up with for them...

Well, unfortunately, that's it for now, till next time...

Name Change...

Be it know from this day forth, Clown boy will now be referred to as Garbage Monkey Boy.

Never knew what I was missing till...

Since getting the new camera, I've never realized what I was missing since putting off my hobby for a long time. Now, I really want to get a Digital SLR camera and just travel around, taking pictures. Not as a job, but as a hobby to chronical my travels and life and to show people what I see and how I see it. I've really thought about this lately and what I would have to consider is to sell everything that I have, get a laptop instead and find a really, really reliable vehicle to travel around in. I don't know if it's the middle age itch or if it's just because I've been living in one place too long.

When I am able to get a Digital SLR camera, I've been considering 2 brands. One is the Nikon and the other is the Olympus. For some reason, I'm not impressed or interested in the Canon EOS camera, I guess it's because it seems too automatic than the Olympus and the Nikon and the 2 cameras that I am looking at seem a lot more like the 35mm film cameras which I am familiar with. It's not that I don't care for my current camera, it's just that I like to be able to focus the lens on my own and it still seems faster than my current camera which is a Olympus SP-350.

There are still other things that I do miss, like being able to go to the beach on a nice sunny day and just sit and watch the waves break on the shore, eating plate lunches (for those of you that don't know what a plate lunch is or have never been to Hawaii, you can get a plate lunch at the local fast food diners or lunch wagons) or being able to get shave ice. One other thing I miss is being able to take a drive up to Tantalus lookout at night and see the City Lights.

Anyway, recently I joined up with Blockbusters Mail Movie rental and had requested the Haunted Mansion starring Eddy Murphy, however, after putting into the DVD player and having a difficult time trying to play the movie, it turned out that the DVD was damaged, guess I'll have to return it and wait a couple more days till I get a replacement.

I also finally got my rebate back from Microsoft for a keyboard I purchased as a replacement to my previous IBM keyboard, a whole wopping ten dollars that only took about 2 months to get back, now I'm waiting for my rebate on my camera, I'm hoping that it'll be soon, that one was a fifty dollar rebate, which should be nice to get back.

Well, short one for now, till the next entry...

It's 4 o'clock in the Morning

A line from the song "Someone saved my life tonight" by Elton John, written by Bernie Taupin, as I write this entry into my journal, it's exactly that, 4 o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep, maybe cause I was extremely tired for the past 5 days. It's like when you don't sleep and your really tired, but then at that certain point in time, all that feeling is gone and your wide awake.

I guess there has been a lot of things on my mind that have been bothering me, I knew that the Euphoria wouldn't last, I suspect that the euphoria was from all those chocolates that I've been eating, the Easter candy that I've been having available in a candy jar for anyone that wants a piece, can have a piece (or 2 or 3 or whatever's).

In the last 2 days, Ms. Wannabe has been really irritating the heck out of me. The point is, Ms. Wannabe thinks that no one notices, but I do, I guess its mostly because of my management and law enforcement background that I do notice these things. Now, one of the new employees that has recently joined the department that I work in has been doing the samething that Ms. Wannabe has been doing. I'll call this person the Hummingbird, this is due to this persons irritating habit of humming out loudly, then drumming on the desk and continues to hum again.

I don't know if it's because the Hummingbird is facing towards my direction or due to this persons tone or something else, but it is really irritating. Now I'm not the only one that is irritated by this. Another person, whom I'll refer to as Uncle Fester for now, has also mentioned that it gets irritating after a while. Another thing the Hummingbird has picked up by Ms. Wannabe is making personal calls while at work, this isn't that bad, it's just that the Hummingbird will make personal calls just about every 30 minutes, then the Hummingbird will "forget" about the incoming calls and there will be about 6 or 7 calls in the cue and still won't notice it.

Last night, the Hummingbird stayed late because this person came into work late, now for the shift that I work, we basically do it all, answer phones, monitor certain devices, open calls to vendors when those devices have failed and remote troubleshooting fails and update those calls to see if the vendor completed them or when they estimate that they'll be able to get to those devices. Well, the Hummingbird, who was also trained by Ms. Wannabe, just sat there, I don't know what the Hummingbird was doing, however no calls were opened, no updates made, nothing, like a rock sitting there doing nothing. Just to see if the Hummingbird was doing any of the updates, after the Man in Black informed the person of what duties we perform there, I left just one call that was still opened with a vendor to see if that person would call the vendor for an update... Surprise, surprise... Nothing.

One Ms. Wannabe is bad, 2 of them makes for a pretty ineffective department, basically, dead weight that needs to be cut loose. Not only that, when I was trained in briefly by Ms. Wannabe and I needed information about an issue I was working on, I was told to look up the information in our knowledge base, however, Ms. Wannabe has found a way to make it appear that she is working when she's basically doing nothing... She'll basically give a long speech of what needs to be done, then shows the person what to do and then she'll stay with them to make sure that they do it the way she showed them... Can you say "WASTE OF TIME"! Look idiot, there are other things to do, like take calls because there are people waiting to be answered and the number of calls waiting are still climbing, instead you choose to do a mini training? As Red Foreman would say "DUMBASS".

Just because you think your getting away with something and think that everyone around you is stupid and blind; your dumber and a lot more blind yourself. You know, I still remember when you said "I didn't graduate from High School", you know what? It shows. Another thing, seniority doesn't make up for being stupid. The point of the matter is, I don't like being treated like I was stupid nor do I like being considered stupid. Here is some words of wisdom, take or leave it, but here it is; no matter what you do or don't do, there is always someone watching what you do. It may not be just you, it maybe other people or not. There is always someone to judge you on what you do and what you say, so be mindful.

While I'm still getting things off my chest, I've added pictures I took of Clown boys desk, you want to talk about a slob? His desk worries me a bit, well, a lot. It's one big mess, granted that it's so far out of the way for most people, if they were to do a surprise walk through, his desk would be the most disgusting of them all, with all the trash and food left all over the place, I'm really surprised that the stuff hasn't started to rot and smell that area up. Absolutely wouldn't look good to the execs... Now, just to be fair, I will include pictures of my desk. I'll let you all be the judge...

Till next time...

If I were on Star Trek, I would be...

Figures... another quiz available I took, I would be:
(Added 04/07/2006 - Ok Just to be clear, I'm not gay, but it figures that it would be an Asian, let alone a Japanese person.)

Mr. Sulu

You are able to master many skills such as swords, plants and martial arts.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Which Star Wars character are you?

After taking the quiz, If I were a Star Wars character, I would be:

Qui-Gon Jinn

Overall, you're a pretty well balanced person. But maybe you focus a little too much on the here and now. Think about the future before its too late.

Click here to take the "Which Star Wars character am I?" quiz...

Which Serenity character are you?

If I were a character on Serenity, I would be:

Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)

Honest and a defender of the innocent. You sometimes make mistakes in judgment but you are generally good and would protect your crew from harm.

Click here to take the Serenity Firefly Personality Test

Where ecstasy lives but sanity dies?

Today’s title comes from the lines of the lyrics to “I want you tonight” by Pablo Cruise, which if some of you out there have received emails from me is part of my tag line at the end of my emails:

Is there no way of fighting this feeling inside
Where ecstasy lives but sanity dies?
We all need more of each other

For lyrics, everyone has his or her own interpretation of what a song is about, for me, the above lines from the song has several different meanings all by itself, without the rest of the song. One meaning is that everyone is searching for love, when we find someone to love, our feelings take over and judgment goes out the window. This is especially true if we try too hard to find love and the right person.

Anyway, I guess spring is beginning to effect me; I have not been quite my “normal” self, as someone has noticed, and I have been a little more jovial in this past weeks. I do not know if it is the dreams that I cannot remember or the number of times that I have woken up in the middle of the night or the exhaustion that I have been feeling. Although I think it is the music, I have been listening to lately that could be affecting me, I have been listening to a lot of Ambient music, Jazz and “New Age” (Music with Gregorian Chants).

Since getting the new camera, I have wanted to take more pictures, however right now it is in the middle of the season change (going from snow to green) so everything is a dirty, dead looking scenery. I keep planning on going to the Como Conservatory and take pictures there, but it seems I keep putting it off. If I had the chance, I would like to travel and take pictures of animals, insects and plants that people do not usually see, like the fish that lives in the deserts of Arizona (Desert Pupfish).

Another place I would like to go back to is Japan, a place in particular, Hiroshima, my ancestral hometown. I did get a chance to visit Hiroshima for about a week in the summer of 1984 and still see the places and sights that I saw during my visits in my mind, but would like to get pictures of other places.

Oh, I almost forgot, one of the vendors that we work with at work finally knows what I really look like; the other vendor is still trying to figure that out, mostly because I prefer not to post my photograph on the net, I find that amusing.

Well, I guess I will end it here, a little longer than the last entry, but still short. Until Next Time and oh yeah, I hope everyone remembered to set their clocks 1 hour ahead for daylight savings (except those living in Hawaii).

and By Request...

Just to satisfy the request of a single person, I have added a Co-Worker Obituary. Now this is not for a person that has expired, passed on, died, well, you get the picture... This is for people that have either quit, resigned or the worse one, which in PC terms, let go from a job (actually, I like the term, relieved of duty).

Normally I don't like to do such things, to me, it seems a bit morbid and improper. Just like you don't walk on a grave or write your own obituary before it's actually your time. However, if the requestor doesn't mind, I guess I don't want to disappoint them. So, like anything else to make it a bit better than what it supposed to be, it was done as a parody, of sorts.

I suppose, shorter than the last, but at least it's an entry... till next time.

Awake or Asleep... am I somewhere inbetween?

Last night I had a difficult time sleeping. It seems that I had arrived at that point between sleep and being awake... At one point, I had heard either someone knocking at my door or someone pounding on my window which woke me up, my heart pounding, my breathing, quick. It took me a couple of minutes to convince myself that it didn't happen and that if it had truly happened, Samantha, who was laying on my chest, would have either looked or jumped off my chest and onto the floor.

It seems that this has been going on for the past couple of days, well, not the knocking stuff, but not being sure of being awake or asleep. In the past I've had this happen where I wasn't sure if I were asleep or awake, but not for this long in succession.

Maybe it's something in my current life that is going on that is affecting me, I am currently worried about my truck, the center bearing on the drive shaft is going out, I keep hoping that it'll last a little while longer till I can take it to a shop to get an estimate and get it fixed. There have been other issues, private issues that I've been having but I know those issues really haven't affected me before, not to this extent.

Well, I guess that's it for now, talk about a short one...

Suffer Well - Depeche Mode

Where were you when I fell from grace
Frozen heart, an empty space
Something's changing, it's in your eyes
Please don't speak, you'll only lie
I found treasure not where I thought
Peace of mind can't be bought
Still I believe

I just hang on
Suffer well
Sometimes it's hard
It's hard to tell

An angel led me when I was blind
I said take me back, I've changed my mind
Now I believe
From the blackest room, I was torn
He called my name, a love was born
So I believe

I just hang on
Suffer well
Sometimes it's hard
It's hard to tell

I just hang on
Suffer well
Sometimes it's hard
So hard to tell

If

If I could, I would buy a state, build a very large wall and live in the middle of that state.

If I was rich, I would buy some land, 7 acres, it would be 3 by 3 with the 7th acre in the center.  I would build a house, similar to a Japanese house.  A Japanese house is either in a square shape or U shaped, this way, there is a garden or a court yard in the center of the house.  I’ll add images as soon as I can find my CAD program to make pictures.

Another type of house that I would like is converting an old 2 story warehouse into a home, the ground floor would have an indoor atrium, kitchen, workout area, garage and bathroom.  The second floor would have the living room and bedrooms.  The indoor atrium would have a waterfall, stream and a pond, which would also double as a swimming pool

Lately I haven’t had any motivation to do anything.  I should be working out, I should be doing something that I need to do, but have been avoiding it.  I don’t know if it’s the weather or just the mood at work, but I’ve been feeling like I just don’t want to do anything, at all.  

Yesterday would have been a good day to work on my hobby, photography, especially since getting the new camera, but I ended up doing nothing.  Hopefully next weekend will be a nice one to go out and take pictures.

Well, I guess this is a short one, off to play Battlefield 2.

The fine line between imagination and reality…

For the past several days I’ve been having nightmares that I vaguely remember from the night before. The bits and pieces that I do remember seem to be that of my hometown, the rest I can’t remember at all. At one point, I ended up waking on the floor at the foot of my bed, I know that I didn’t purposely do that. I am very sure that the night before I actually laid down in bed and covered myself with my sheet, surrounded with my pillows, when I woke the next morning, I was lying on my side, at the foot of my bed, width wise. Samantha was lying in her bed, just looking at me…

At the same time, when I’m at work, I’ve been feeling pretty good, not really caring about the calls that I’ve been taking. Either these events have been affecting me or I’m on the verge of losing it all. Maybe it’s because I have too much time to think about things or maybe isolation is not a good thing… either way, something is not right.

On the Upside, the Battlefield Saga continues, they just recently announced Battlefield 2142 and does it really look good. From the preview that I’ve seen, it’s going to have Mechs added as well as futuristic weapons. I just hope that I’ll have my computer upgraded by then to be able to play without any issues like the issues I’m having now…

Well, guess it’s a short one for now.

The Upgrade Dilemma...

Well, recently I have reached a spending or upgrade dilemma. I had to decide between upgrading my computers video card, which would also force me to upgrade my power supply or get a new digital camera. Currently, I have a BFG Technologies GeForce 6200 AGP video card with 256k of video ram installed in my computer. As you know, I have been playing a lot of Battlefield2 online and it seems that the game was not certified to be played with that particular card. After getting the game, I found out that the game will only support the GeForce 6800; previously I had an ATI Radeon 9600 card with only 128k. I was having video issues before I got the new video card and am still having issues with the current video card. So I was debating on upgrading my video card again. However it seems that the AGP version of the card is more expensive than the PCI express version. Software developers and hardware manufacturers keep pushing the consumers to upgrade their hardware.

I also had previously sold my 3.2 mp digital camera with the hopes of eventually upgrading my camera to something better and get back into a hobby of mine, photography. Anyway, the video card that I wanted is not available locally and the newer video card is only available in limited areas and is pretty expensive, also the newer card requires to have a minimum power supply installed of a 350 watt computer power supply. So in reality, you end up having to upgrade 2 components instead of just the one.

At the same time, I started to look into the cameras available and what mega pixel that the cameras came in. I wanted to get another Olympus for 2 reasons, 1. I already have the storage media from the previous camera and 2; I really like the way the Olympus cameras were made and handled. I ended up deciding on getting the camera. I picked up the Olympus SP-350, 8 mega pixel camera and ended up getting a larger storage media. In a way, it ended up costing less and upgrading the video card.

Well, after purchasing the camera, I went into work so that I could both test the camera (play with the new toy) and get some lunch. I added a couple of pictures that I took with the new camera on my textamerica moblog site, which you can check out by clicking on that preview to the right, just above the links to the other sites. I have to admit, I’m really impressed with the quality and details that show in the pictures.

Well, I’ve reached “middle age” this past week, next year is a Yakudoshi year for me, so at that time, I’ll have to be very careful.

What is Yakudoshi?

Bad luck ages are referred to as yakudoshi, with yaku meaning “calamity” or “calamitous” and doshi signifying “year(s).” These years are considered critical or dangerous because they are believed to bring bad luck or disaster.
For men, the ages 24 and 41 (or 25 and 42 in Japan) are deemed critical years, with 41 being especially critical. It is customary in these unlucky years to visit temples and shrines to provide divine protection from harm. In Hawaii, it has become a widespread tradition among men of Japanese ancestry to celebrate the 41st birthday with a festive yakudoshi party or gathering to ward off the bad luck or disaster that may strike. The birthday person should wear red to bring good health, vitality and long life.

The equivalent yakudoshi ages for women are 18 and 32 (19 and 33 in Japan), with 32 thought to be a particularly hard, terrible or disastrous year. Like the age 41 for men, precautions are taken to ward off bad luck, and some women in Hawaii celebrate their 32nd birthday with a special yakudoshi party. What is Kanreki?

For men, the 60th birthday is called kanreki, the recognition of his “second infancy.” The Japanese characters in the word kanreki literally mean “return” and “calendar.” The traditional calendar, which was based on the Chinese calendar, was organized on 60-year cycles. The cycle of life returns to its starting point in 60 years, and as such, kanreki celebrates that point in a man’s life when his personal calendar has returned to the calendar sign under which he was born.

Traditionally, friends and relatives are invited for a celebratory feast on one’s 60th birthday. It is customary for the celebrant to be given a red hood and wear a red vest. These clothes are usually worn by babies and thus symbolize the celebrant’s return to his birth.

From the information that I found and added here, I’ll have to plan a party for my 41st birthday to ward off the bad luck or disaster… I’m not really looking forward to that time…

Anyway, since I didn’t have any money at that time, I held off on holding a private birthday celebration for myself since I don’t like to tell anyone when my birthday is, I just want to keep it to myself. So tonight when I stopped into the supermarket, I picked up a single sized cake and a couple of other things. After getting home, I had my cake… yeah, I suppose it’s the lonely guy thing, but at least I had the company of Samantha.

Other than that, I guess that’s all I have for now.

Not much going on...

Not much going on in my life lately, although there have been some things that have come to my attention that would give me an advantage in a thing coming up for me soon. Almost like playing a game of Chess, a lot of strategy and trying to push your opponent into making a mistake and then taking advantage of that mistake. This is why I like playing strategy games more so than first person shooters. Although, I do really enjoy the game Battlefield 2, in a why it also requires a bit of strategy so that you do not end up getting yourself killed.

Another game I really enjoy is Star Wars: Empire at War. In the game, I keep trying to get the advantage in order to defeat my opponents. This is why I have not been making many journal entries lately. Another thing I recently picked up is a set of travel speakers for my Zen Micro. At first, I thought after seeing the actual speakers that the sound would not be as good as some of the larger speakers out there, but to my surprise, it sounded good for such a small speaker system. Now, I am looking at getting the Power Sub-woofer that they have for it. This will give me a better bass sound when listening to music at work.

Last week I came across some mp3s that I found on the net, mostly of what they call “smooth” jazz. Listening to those songs at work helped keep me calm and make the calls a little more bearable. While trying to find more “smooth” jazz, I also found some songs that are considered “Ambient”. Most of them had Gregorian chanting in it, like the first Enigma album, found a lot of those and now have them loaded into the mp3 player for work. This will help me deal with the calls we get there…

The truck has been having problems lately, it appears that the U-joints are going out and making the drive a little rough. As soon as I reach 45 miles per hour, the truck starts to vibrate and has a loud low frequency hum. I’ve been trying to find routes to work that doesn’t require me to travel faster than 45 mph, but makes for a longer drive cause I’m not taking a direct route to work. I have to leave a lot earlier than the time I usually do…

Well, I guess that pretty much covers it, if any of the readers here play Battlefield 2, just look for tekbandit66 or in Star Wars: Empire at War, (if I can get it…) Sub Zero, give me a shout and hopefully we’ll play against each other or on the same team.

Till next time…

This isn't Day Care and I'm not a baby sitter...

Depending on the job or the employer, playing around is fine, but in a business environment, business is business, not a playground, not daycare. Your getting paid to do a job. You want to play go work at GameWorks or some place similar. I wonder if it's because I'm getting old that I'm feeling this way. It could be that there was a major issue going on at work and one of the employee's there started sending out instant messages while trying to be funny... it's just that there were 20 plus calls waiting and messages like that just seem like they were playing around when there was work to be done.

The thing is, you want to be funny in an IM, go home and do that, but in a place of business, keep it professional. Not only are message logs available for emails, but they are also available for IM's. I'm the kind of person that believes work is work and outside of work, do what ever you want, just keep it legal. Like I've mentioned before in a previous post, I'm there to work, I was hired to do a job and was not hired to play around. If you don't want to work or you think that I'm making you look bad, then maybe your not working hard enough. If I feel that someone else is not working or doing what they should be doing, then I work harder to get it done, I have the right to complain because of this and they can't complain that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, that's because I'm doing their work for them.

There are several people at work that I don't have a complaint about and only because they work as hard as they can or as hard as I do, one of them is my Asian brother, another is that Disco Stu, another is the Man in Black, Dr. Giggles, Blogginuggin, Rysah57 and 2 others (I'll have names for them soon). I've tried to give that person advice, especially if that person wants to either move up or get better pay, but being as young as that person is, that person basically disregards my advice. Ok, so if the person wants to basically disregards my advice, then fine, no more looking out for that person, no further advice. Your on your own. What it comes down to is sink or swim. Keep going the path that your on, it's going to lead you no where. Being all buddy, buddy will get you no where and people will not take you serious.

Where I'm coming from is that I've been working since I was 10 years old and because of the way I treat work, people will take me seriously and I'll always be employed. It's when I start to slack off or not take the job seriously that I run into problems (apparently, this also includes job burnout).

Pressure...

(Disclaimer: This particular post is not for younger readers or those offended by foul language)

Imagine this...

Your lying on a slab of concrete and someone places on top of you an equal size slab of lead, a block measuring 10 feet long by 5 feet wide and 2 feet in depth. Imagine the intense pressure of that block of lead. That's how I feel right now.

People think their above you when you ask them questions, trying to resolve thier issues and they lie to you, LIE. Ok, now I asked this particular person to take a look at something, the persons response was, there is nothing there. Ok, so the persons settings are missing, now coming from the background that I do, I begin the usual questions of is this the same computer that the person logs into, did anyone else change the settings. The person stated, yes it was and no, no one else. Ok, so I ask the person to tell me what was in the settings, I ask the person to open the accounts, I wait and then the person states that there is nothing. Ok, it's not setup.

Then the person starts getting upset cause I'm asking all the questions and trying to pull teeth to have the person make sure the settings are correct, the person wants to give a never ending story of what is not working and a life story. If the person would only just follow directions, quit playing games!!!!!

LOOK, YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES, GO BUY A GAMEBOY!

Now add to the fact that I had to pay a larger rent for the month, bills backed up, taxes from 2003 that need to be paid, student loans that are default, a court case that is still to be decided, no food except for rice, no cigarettes, only a quarter tank of gas today that is supposed to get me to work and back home for 2 days which takes a half tank and now this guy wants to play the guessing games when the phone cue is back up, people don't do their jobs, and no one seems to want to do anything because their afraid of HR? You want to really know something? A person can only withstand so much pressure before something happens, so for right now:

BACK THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

I'm sick and tired of the political games and of people saying things that they said they would and never got back to me. I'm sick of getting the brush off, I'm sick of people that think their getting away with shit but in reality no one either gives a shit or wants to say anything because they know it'll fall upon deaf ears.

They keep wondering why I get so pissed and frustrated, but do they keep going from call to call to call while others are playing? No.

Why should they care.

A day of lost thoughts

A day of lost thoughts

Today was a day that I didn’t want to think of anything, but it seems that my thoughts keep drifting to the past. I keep hoping that I could go back in the past and make changes to my life. There are a lot of things that I would change if I could. I still wonder if moving here would be one of those things that I would change.

One thing that I would like to change is my past relationships. I should’ve stayed married. I wonder if I did, would I be like the way that I am now? I don’t think I would. I know that a lot of things would be different, I wouldn’t have moved around a lot. I would’ve gone into the career that I want to a lot sooner…

I can’t think of anything else to write here, I should have more in the next entry.

AVE MARIA (Ellens Gesang III)

To hear the song as sung by the Vienna Boys Choir, right click here and select save as.

Franz Peter Schubert (1797 - 1828)
Sir Walter Scott. (1771-1832).

Ave Maria!
Jungfrau mild,
Erhöre einer Jungfrau Flehen,
Aus diesem Felsen starr und wild
Soll mein Gebet zu dir hin wehen,
Zu dir hin wehen.
Wir schlafen sicher bis zum Morgen,
Ob Menschen noch so grausam sind.
O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen,
O Mutter, hör ein bittend Kind!
Ave Maria!

Ave Maria
Unbefleckt!
Wenn wir auf diesen Fels hinsinken
Zum Schlaf, und uns dein Schutz bedeckt,
Wird weich der harte Fels uns dünken
Du lächelst, Rosendüfte wehen
In dieser dumpfen Felsenkluft.
O Mutter, höre Kindes Flehen,
O Jungfrau, eine Jungfrau ruft!
Ave Maria!

Ave Maria!
Reine Magd!
Der Erde und der Luft Dämonen,
Von deines Auges Huld verjagt,
Sie können hier nicht bei uns wohnen
Wir woll'n uns still dem Schicksal beugen,
Da uns dein heilger Trost anweht;
Der Jungfrau wolle hold dich neigen,
Dem Kind, das für den Vater fleht!
Ave Maria!


AVE MARIA (Ellen's Song) - Sir Walter Scott

Ave, Maria! Maiden mild!
Oh listen to a maiden's prayer;
For thou canst hear tho' from the wild,
And Thou canst save amid despair.
Safe may we sleep beneath thy care
Tho' banish'd outcast and reviled,
Oh, Maiden hear a maidens prayer.
Oh Mother, hear a suppliant child!
Ave Maria!

Ave, Maria! Undefiled!
The flinty couch we now must share,
Shall seem with down of eider piled
If Thy, if Thy protection hover there.
The murky cavern's heavy air
Shall breath of Balm if thou hast smiled;
Then, Maiden hear a maiden's prayer.
Oh Mother, hear a suppliant child!
Ave Maria!

Ave, Maria! Stainless-styled!
Foul demons of the earth and air,
From this their wonted haunt exiled,
Shall flee, shall flee before thy presence fair.
We bow us to our lot of care
Beneath Thy guidance reconciled,
Hear for a maid a maiden's prayer;
And for a father bear a child!
Ave Maria!

Slip of the Tongue...

Well, I don’t know if it was because I unconsciously or purposely did it but I had expressed my thought to Ms. Wannabe today. A message that was intended for the Man in Black had been sent to Ms. Wannabe and at first she didn’t understand it, but eventually she knew what it was all about. I had stated that if she gets the promotion by some acts of the gods, I would request an immediate transfer to another department. Well, Ms. Wannabe immediately replied, “huh?” and I replied back that I was quoting a line from Hercules the television show.

From what I heard, she walked over to another person and asked them about it (complained, more likely) and in his usual self, whom I shall refer to from this point forth, as Dr. Giggles; put it off as nothing. I’m sure that Ms. Wannabe went along with what Dr. Giggles had told her, that it was nothing and don’t worry about it. I know that I’m not going to worry about it (typical SubZero fashion).

By the way, if you all are wondering as to why I chose SubZero as a handle, I’ll tell you, a long time ago, in another job, when ever something extreme would happen, I wouldn’t show any emotions, basically keeping my cool. So a friend, who used to be my supervisor, would say that I was a cold person, an iceman. Well, when the game Mortal Kombat came out, one of the characters in the game was called SubZero. Well, I liked that handle better than “Iceman”.

Going back to Ms. Wannabe, it’s getting to the point at work where I really don’t care if I hurt her feelings or not, mostly because when everyone else is working as hard as they can, she’s just doing nothing, everyone else doesn’t want to say it to her, but I guess because of my SubZero persona and because of my involvement in law enforcement, it’s just getting to the point where I’m just telling it like it is. I know that I’m not perfect myself, but if I’m going to work hard, I also expect everyone else to do the same, if not then, go somewhere else. I’m the type of person that will put in 110 percent, then towards the end put in 5 – 10 percent more and end up burning myself out. This also comes from having the rank of Sergeant, if I work hard, I expect the officers under me to do the same. Lead by example as taught to me.

Well, I’ll end this here, check back again…

The Soapbox

In a darkened room, except for the single spot of light that illuminates a box. The echoing sounds of footsteps, as if coming from all around you. As the sound of footsteps grows louder, a figure slowly emerges from the darkness. The person appears to be walking towards the light with the box in the middle of it. As the once darkened figure steps into the light and onto the box, it is apparent that the person is a male. He clears his throat and begins to speak…


Ok, in my past entries, I have never talked about the specifics of the company that I work for or the people that I worked with or much about my job. However, it is getting to the point that I am getting so frustrated with a particular person at work. Now, to give you a little bit of background on myself, in the past, I am usually a work-a-holic. Now, when I’m at work, I believe that you work; you’re getting paid to perform a certain function or task. I also believe that if there is down time and it’s slow, then doing nothing is ok, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the job or the company. However when it’s busy, then there is certain expectations of what needs to be done. For an example, if your job is to answer phones and try to resolve issues, then that is what a person needs to do and not just avoid answering phones.

Now, there is this person at work, I’ll refer to her as Ms. Wannabe. Ms. Wannabe thinks that she’ll be getting a promotion from her current position and doesn’t think that people notice that she slacks off, especially at the busiest times or makes mistakes. However, what Ms. Wannabe doesn’t realize is that there are people that do take notice. Like today, for example and it was really getting me frustrated and angry because there were calls building up and she was slacking off, trying to look as if she were busy and doing some obscure task that prevented her from being on the phones. It became really apparent that she was “slacking” off when she was socializing and just sticking her nose into business that had nothing to do with her or to what she had made up to keep her busy.

I did a little investigation of my own and found that Ms. Wannabe was off from her phone for a little over 45 minutes, during this time, there were at least 6 calls waiting to be answered and building… Prior to this, while she could’ve taken calls while waiting for another co-worker to return from his break, Ms. Wannabe would wander about the office, after she went on her break, which turned out to be an “extended” break, she would socialize with the vendors to our company in order to kill time till it was the end of her shift.

Now, one of my questions is, “How many people does it take to train a single person at the same time?” Well, apparently, according to Ms. Wannabe, it takes 2 people at the same time to train 1 person. CAN YOU SAY WASTE OF TIME AND RESOURCES?!!!! Ok, so Ms. Wannabe is training in the new employees, but if you train someone the same way that you do the job yourself, making mistakes and in a lazy way, your only going to get a bunch of employees that are ineffective and inefficient, basically making it harder on the others to do their job when their fixing your mistakes.

There are so many examples that I could give, but that would reveal the company that I work for, right now, I can’t do that. It’s just that it’s so frustrating and so maddening that I just had to vent before losing it at work. Other situations at work didn’t make it any easier either... People just don’t read instructions. At my job, the company is switching over employees from one application to another. It’s the same thing, but the way you sign on is slightly different. They send out instructions on how to sign in, instructions that someone with absolutely no computer experience at all can follow, but do they? Nooo…. They call up and say “I need my password reset” or “I think I’m locked out” when it really boils down to that they didn’t read the instructions and just want someone to hold their hand and walk them through the process.

Ok, enough of work, now onto a new issue. Someone in the apartment building keeps disabling the security door, JUST so that their visitors can enter without having to use the call box. This is the 4th time that someone has done this since the rental company fixed the lock. The first 2 times, they pulled the carpet up to prop the door open. The 3rd time, they stuck a quarter in the bolt area (I removed it and scored 25 cents) and tonight, I can’t see what they jammed in there, but the bolt doesn’t extend out of the door. PEOPLE! There is a reason for the security door. First, it prevents those who are not supposed to be in the building from gaining access to the building. Second, it stops solicitors from bothering those who live in the building from bothering those people that want to be left alone. Third, it prevents thefts and burglaries from the apartments and lastly it prevents vandals from destroying property.

Now, granted that I don’t have a lot of valuables and property. However I do have items that certain elements shouldn’t be able to get their hands on, like uniforms and certain equipment. I have seen a lot of criminals and possible criminals hanging around the property, I have seen people selling drugs and if the security door is disabled, then what the heck am I paying the amount of rent for?

Ok, now that I’ve gotten this off my chest, I’ll be seeing the people in the rental office to voice my concerns. I’ll step down from the box now and write more later.

The man steps off the box and starts to walk off into the darkness, the sounds of his footsteps stop, you can hear the sound of a lighter being lighted, from the darkness you can see the faint appearance of his face and hands from the flame of his lighter, a faint orange glow of a cigarette being lit. You can hear him take a drag from the cigarette and see a very faint orange glow, grow slightly brighter as he inhales. The sounds of the footsteps start up again and grow fainter as the man walks away in the darkness.

Work, Work, Work...

As you can tell, been working to get my old journal, before they had blog websites uploaded into this one. If your interested in seeing what my life was like before (About 10 years ago since I first moved to Minnesota), you'll be able to read all about it...

In my opinion, pretty boring stuff...

Anyway, keep checking back, they'll be more entries to help you get to sleep, if your having trouble sleeping...

Till Next time...

Oh, by the way, if you've noticed, no more Moods, when I had my journal on the other site, I felt compelled to select a mood... I guess from now on, you'll either have to guess or I'll just out right say how I'm feeling...

New and (somewhat) improved...

Mood: Not Sure

Well, I'll be migrating my journal from the old site to this site. Eventually I'll have it all moved here, all 77 entries. As for today, it seemed to have gone by quickly. Especially with 3 people working and didn't seem all that hectic (although the Man in Black may beg to differ). Oh, and if your all wondering who the man in black is, no, its not Johnny Cash, Will Smith or the Undertaker, but a co-worker to whom I used to refer to as "The Dark One". Also, on my cell, I found the perfect song that fits him, Johnny Cash's "Man in Black".

Well, keeping it short. Till Next time...

Comfortably Numb...

Mood: lazy

As long as I keep to myself, far removed from human interaction on my days off, I feel that I can cope with the rest of the week. It's almost like a movie, if I leave the solitude of my apartment, with every person that I come in contact with, its almost like I can feel their emotions. It's like being able to watch a movie, but unable to change anything, no matter what you say or do. I also believe that if a person wants to, they can make a change on their own, if they want to...

I've been dying for some prime rib for a while, the only way that i'd be able to get some is to either go to a restaurant or cook it myself. The only way that I can cook it myself is if I would have to purchase a huge hunk of prime rib, enough to feed 20 people at 15 to 20 ounces a cut. I would rather not have that much left over... So the other day, theres a place near to my work place that was having a special on Fridays and Saturdays. Well, let me tell you, I got myself a "King" cut of a prime rib dinner for take out and took it back to my desk. It was really good and just the way that I wanted it. Well, after finishing it off, I did my Tim Allen thing... "Meat Good, What other thing in there...(Grunting included)"

Well, short journal entry again. Till next time...

New Options for a New Year...

Mood: lazy

Well, there are some new Options that are possible for me, the questions that I have to ask is:
How Bad Do You Want To and Can You Do It?
Well, along the lines of my dream jobs, there is an opportunity in the near future, however, I need to clear up some old debts first before I can apply for the job. The FBI is opening a new Computer Forensics Facility in Louisiana and right now the FBI is looking to hire about 70 plus computer technicians.

According to an article that I read, this new facility is about 5000 square feet and will be the a central location for departments needing to investigate computer crimes and related...

Also Just a reminder, Janurary 29th turns to the Year of the Dog and not just any dog, but the Fire Dog. So to all my Chinese friends out there if I don't seem before then, KUNG HEE FAT CHOY! According to some of the information that I've looked up, I should have a very good year because my sign is the Year of the Fire Horse. So I'm really looking forward to this year as being a very good year for me...

Oh yeah, I've recently picked up a new game, but have already finished it, Warhammer 40,000. So if you occasionally come across me saying "Ork, Ork, Ork, Ork", you'll know why, especially if you've played the game. I've also been able to get my Battlefield 2 game up and running, turns out my Video card had too much dust between the GPU and fan, once I blew that out, the computer doesn't reboot (I should've known that was the case... oh well...).

About a month ago, I "upgraded" my cell phone, I used to have a Motorola V180, it was nice but the signal strength was a bit lacking. So I did a little research and found that the Motorola RAZR had the best signal strength and picked one up. My friend noticed better sound quality when I called him and could also hear the background noise clearly too.

Well anyway... just thought I'd leave a note, so in keeping... till next time.

Post

Mood: not sure

Post, Post, post, pOst, poSt, posT...

New year, time to start things anew. Been a while, been busy, been lazy, been.

True meaning of Complain... or Money (Pink Floyd)

Complain: to express grief, pain, or discontent

"You've complained about not having enough money and even asked me 2-3 times in the past if I could borrow you 5 dollars the week prior to getting paid."

I have never complained, I have said something about it but I have never complained about not having enough money. I may have complained about other people, other things, even the weather, but there are things that I do not share, my life is private except for those things that I want to let people know about. I don't even like to have people over to my place unless I feel comfortable with them. You see, I feel so much more secure when I'm alone, so I guess, I'm admitting that I am actually an introvert compared to how I act in public.

Not once have I ever said that "I wish I had more money" or "I need a new job cause I need more money", saying that I don't have money is not complaining, asking to borrow money before payday is not complaining. If someone doesn't want to loan money, all they have to do is say no. I don't beg, I don't get upset, I just go on and find other ways of getting more money in ways that are legal. If it were illegal, I wouldn't be working. Like the saying goes - "Don't bite the hand that feeds you".

- Money, get away.
- Get a good job with good pay and you're okay.
- Money, it's a gas.
- Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
- New car, caviar, four star daydream,
- Think I'll buy me a football team.

When it comes to money, I have my priorities. First and foremost is my bills. At times I may skip the first part and spend it on myself for things that could wait, but it's only because I rarely do spend money on myself. I do have dreams of having a new car or getting caviar (and do I so wish that I could get some caviar on a Blinni with some creme fresh) or upgrading my computer with the latest and greatest toys or electronics but the bills come first. I'm not married, I don't have a girlfriend, I pay my own rent, all by myself, I have a vehicle that I own (not the bank or finance company), I have utilities that I have to pay in order to see what I'm doing at night or to cook my own meals. I don't have someone waiting for me when I get home. I own out right all that I have (with the exception of the apartment). I enjoy the good life, but can I afford it? No. Do I dream about it? Yes.

- Money, get back.
- I'm all right Jack keep your hands off of my stack.
- Money, it's a hit.
- Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.
- I'm in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
- And I think I need a Lear jet.

When I can, if I have a little extra, I do have a tendency to give it away to those that are in need of it, those that I don't expect to get it back, those who are worse off than I am, that would do anything to have money but can't. It's only to those who I feel that it would make a difference and would make the most of what they get and not just blow it all away either or both gambling or doing drugs/alcohol. I can't tell you how I know. I just do. There have been only a couple of people in the past that I had been mistaken about, but for the most part, most of them truly need it.

Now take Spike for example, I could tell that he is a good person, someone that I would trust, someone that if need be, would give my life to protect. Yes, you too Pizza boy and the Dark one, you know who you are and what I'm talking about. Even though we have had our differences, my loyalties are with them, I would back them up no matter what. However, recently there was a person that I had met that I had trusted and was burned in the end, to put it bluntly, I was used as a get out of jail free card, it is those types of people who don't want to cross my path again nor get any sympathy from me.

- Money, it's a crime.
- Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie.
- Money, so they say
- Is the root of all evil today.
- But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that
- they're giving none away.

So with that said, I wonder how close did I come in my analysis of Spike? He's got me all figured out, not. Well, at least one part of his analysis he hit it on bulls eye. Could it be a gift or just experience that if I did figure him or anyone out or came close. I know one thing, I'll only speak to those people when I need to but won't get into a conversation, especially with Spike, only because I don't want to talk about or hear about religion, nothing against it, but I just rather not only because if someone can't keep certain beliefs to themselves unless asked or mentioned by other parties, then it's better not to talk at all.

- "HuHuh! I was in the right!"
- "Yes, absolutely in the right!"
- "I certainly was in the right!"
- "You was definitely in the right. That geezer was cruising for a bruising!"
- "Yeah!"
- "Why does anyone do anything?"
- "I don't know, I was really drunk at the time!"
- "I was just telling him, he couldn't get into number 2. He was asking why he wasn't coming up on freely, after - I was yelling and screaming and telling him why he wasn't coming up on freely. It came as a heavy blow, but - we sorted the matter out"

The Out Of Place Hawaiian

Mood: not sure

I wake to the sound of the alarm clock buzz, my eyes are still closed. The cat is standing on the bed next to me crying out as if responding to each buzz that emanates from the alarm clock. I flip the covers off and the sudden realization that I am no longer back home hits me with the chill of winter. As I acknowledge the cat first, thanking her for helping out the alarm clock wake me up, then rolling out of bed and hitting the snooze bar then rolling back into bed and covering myself back up with the warm blankets and try to sleep again thinking that what is reality is actually a dream.

An hour later, the same thing, I wake to the buzzing of the alarm with the cat responding back to each buzz. I finally get out of bed to get ready for the day and the apartment is cold, even with the thermostat set at 80 degrees, the apartment is 70 degrees all over. I guess that's better than being at 65 degrees a couple of days ago. As I stumble about the apartment with the cat in tow, I begin to wonder why I ever left Hawaii and wished that I was back there now. I can feel the slight pain in my throat and my body feels weak, I think to myself "Dammit, I can't get sick". I start planning on drinking a lot of liquids and take the multi vitamin that I have sitting in the cupboard (I think I got them about a year ago, it should be still good shouldn't it?).

Well, after I got ready and down to warm up the truck, I realize that I forgot to drink more water and take that multi-vitamin, oh well, I'll get to it when I get home tonight. After sweeping the snow off the truck, it's warmed up enough to start driving to the park and ride about 10 miles away. Again, my thoughts are thinking of the warm weather there, sitting on a beach with my cooler full of drinks and a lunch, fishing pole and the line out waiting for a fish to take the bait. Even if that doesn't happen, it's a nice sunny day, listening to the waves wash upon the shore, warm sand between my toes. I've reached my destination, the park and ride. The snow covered grounds, I leave the just warmed up cab and start walking to the bus stop. Cold wind blowing, the crunch of each step as I walk through the snow.

A song starts to fill my thoughts, several songs, California ', Far too Wide for me, My Hawaii, and Honolulu City lights. The memories of my happy days, driving around the island, sitting in a park and watching all the people enjoying the day, at night, sitting in the parking lot at the beach and listening to the waves break on the shore... I can feel the cold cutting through the layers of clothing that I am wearing to protect me from the winter air.

I finally get on the bus and after taking my seat, I feign a sleep while listening to my mp3 player, thoughts that come to mind is if I had made the right choice by moving to Minnesota, what would my life would have been like if I had stayed in Hawaii or what would it have been like if I had chosen another state, like California or ? I contemplate a lot of "what if's". What I now know, if I had known then, would I have made these choices? I wouldn't be able to answer that fully without deeply thinking what the outcome maybe. I do know that there are a lot of things in my past that I would have like to change. I suddenly realize, I am a Out Of Place Hawaiian. Maybe a out of place person or soul. I don't know. All that I know and thought I knew wasn't what I had thought it may be.

Religion: humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, generosity, and diligence.

Mood: irritated

Ok, there are some topics that I don't discuss. The reason for this is that there are some people that are uncomfortable talking about such subjects. One of them, as you can tell from my topic today is Religion.

There usually is a time and a place to talk about such and the workplace is not the place (unless it is a business oriented to such). There is this person, we'll call him Spike, when discussing several topics, about work, life etc... he tends to inject Religion into the conversation. I don't mind, but when someone is SO "passionate" about the subject and I can see that they are getting irritated, I tend to go for that raw nerve. Anyway, last week we were discussing jobs and either finding something else that pays more or staying where I am at now. Spike adds that his "father" will provide for him, well, I was thinking that his family (either paternal or in-law), so I replied, "well, that's all and good, but I don't have family that I can rely on here".

Well, the father he meant was God, well, let me tell you, that just opened up the flood gates... You see, religion (Christianity, Catholicism), teaches tolerance and it seems that Spike doesn't have it.

- In addition to the four "cardinal virtues" of prudence, fortitude, justice and temperance some Christian theologians promoted the idea of three "theological" virtues, faith hope and love. Together, they make up the sevel cardinal or heavenly virtues.

Now it doesn't seem very spiritual that a person gives up on a "lost soul", according to Spike's words "I'm done talking to you right now. Your past has got your thoughts of me all jacked up. I will just pray for you. I cannot even convert a peice (sp) of bread into toast without a toaster." Now let me say this, Spike is a young person, in his late 20's and hasn't been anywhere or done anything except live in the city that he's lived in. I've been to different places and to another country, I've seen the worst of people and the best of them, so my opinions are based on experience. Some of the things that I have also been involved with, I have seen just about it all.

Now, Spike's response to all this is "Than my advice is don't complain to me about your life or any of your problems.", never in all our conversations have I complained about my life or my problems, to him or to anyone. I keep it to myself, I believe that my problems are my own unless another is involved in my problems.

The Seven Contrary Virtues:

Humility - the quality or state of being humble

Kindness - 1 : a kind deed : FAVOR
2 a : the quality or state of being kind

Abstinence - voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving

Chastity - purity in conduct and intention

Patience - the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient

Liberality - the quality or state of being liberal

Diligence - persevering application

Now Spike, he's absent in 4 out of the 7 virtues, Humility, Kindness, Patience and Diligence. With humility, he's guilty of being prideful and arrogant of his position at the company, he thinks that he maybe favored at the company, but my experience has taught me that no one is immune from being dismissed, no matter how close (or think so) you seem to someone (i.e. the boss, etc...). In the corporate world, like in the political world, if they are not kissing babies or shaking your hand, without you looking, their stealing their lollipops or stabbing you in the back.

For kindness, it doesn't seem very kind to be intolerable towards a person that doesn't hold the same beliefs as you do. For patience, he's not very patient towards me. Spike has also been inpatient with a couple of people that he's talked to or associate with... not very spiritual if you ask me or others... Diligence, Spike doesn't seem all that diligent, either with work or with his religion. Again, I've never complained to him or the people that I work with about my life or situation.

Everyone at my company had to go to a Harassment training, as defined by the training, Harassment doesn't have to be a physical situation, if a person feels uncomfortable about something and another person continues to make those uncomfortable by pushing their ideals on another, than that is considered "Harassment".

Spike's claim is that people are not his provider, however, I don't see "God" paying his bills, making him healthy when he or his family is sick or giving him food when he's hungry. The people that either use his services or uses the company that he works for DOES provide the money to pay for all of the above. He states that he owns his own business, but if he should be slapped with a lawsuit and goes bankrupt fighting the suit, I don't think that money will appear out of nowhere or as a gift from "God".

Now, my question to Spike and I hope that Spike reads this, is that how many times have I told you F*&$ you? If I did, with the exception of today, it has always been in play. I don't like being lectured or told what to do with my private life, unless you've walked in my shoes, you have no basis for your lectures. If I wanted to be told what to do with my private life, I'd talk to my Aunt (whom I really despise because of this, only because she's trying to control my life).

So get your head out of the clouds and get back to reality. This is the real world, God is there, but he's not directing our lives, we make the decisions and life with the consequences. Also, walk a mile in another persons shoes before judging them. Making judgments on others should be left to God himself. Besides, Jesus died for all our sins, unless we do something that is so heineous... you guess the rest. In other words, I have seen the best and the worst of people, been there done that.

Where to go, what to do, what I could've done, what I could've been...

Mood: not sure

Niitakayama Noborimasu. Sen nihyaku hachi, moichido, sen nihyaku hachi!

Today is December 7th. Not everyone is familiar with the significance of the date and it seems that a lot of the younger generation has forgotten what happened that day on December 7th 1941 at 0755 that morning.

For me, I can't forget, my family was affected by this date. My grandfather was interned at Manzanar in California. Manzanar was a Japanese "relocation" camp for those of Japanese ancestry who were considered a risk to the United States of America.
The other date that also has a big significance for me is August 6th 1945 at 0815. My ancestors and family are from Hiroshima, one of the cities that the first Atomic bomb was dropped, the other was Nagasaki on August 9th in 1945.

If anyone is wondering what the first line of todays journal means, in Japanese, it means "Climb Mount Niitaka, 1208, repeat, 1208" which was the Japanese Imperial fleets code to commence the attack on Pearl Harbor. The meaning of the code phrase is "NIITAKAYAMA is the highest mountain in the Japanese Empire. To climb NIITAKAYAMA is to accomplish one of the greatest feats. In other words undertake the task (of carrying out assigned operations). 1208 signifies the 12th month, 8th day, Itex time."

Anyway, continuing on from the History lesson and going into the meaning of the title of this entry... lately I've been thinking of what it would've been like if I had gone into the Military, I suppose that I could still sign up for the reserves, the age limit is 40 years of age. If I had gone in right after high school, I think I would've made a career out of it. I wonder if I would've chosen the Army or the Marine Corps. Either way, PsyOps or Recon would've been what I would have like to have selected as my MOS.

Both would have been just the type of MOS for me, I wouldn't want just infantry, something where I would have been on my own a lot. In high school, when my friends and I used to engage in war games, I used to go off on my own and operated the best alone. I would be the one to make the first hit and take the last hit. Mostly not at all, all of my friends would get tired of searching for me...

The Shield

Mood: not sure
Hurt (mp3)

The lyrics from yesterday's title is from the teaser for The Shield. Vic Mackey is a character that I've identified myself with. As described on FX's The Shield website:

"Vic Mackey, a tough street-savvy detective, lives by his own code of ethics and believes the ends justify the means. He is fiercely loyal and protective towards those he cares about but unforgiving to those who cross him."

The lyrics and mood of the song seem to best fit my situation that I've been going through this year. The next seasons teaser is almost a chronicle of my life since last year.

Since high school and learning the background of my ancestry, I have held honor as my highest ideals and like the Samurai of old, believe in being fiercely loyal and protective of my family as well as to those I consider my very good friends. Like the Samurai, I would sacrifice my own life to preserve the lives of family and friends. The Shinobi or what is commonly known as Ninja's also held these same ideals, but not in such a displayed fashion. At times both of these ideals conflict with each other, but it is an ideal that I have found a way of blending them both.

There are times when one ideal becomes dominate over the other, it is when this happens, I seem to loose my way or forget these ideals. It is these times that situations don't seem to go right and realize sometimes a little too late. It is also those times that give me even more determination and clarity.

This can explain the way that I have been acting lately, cause it seems that I had strayed from the path and have been having a difficult time returning, but I am returning to the path.

"A path that is chosen must be followed till the end"

There are those that may say that we are able to change our paths and we make our own destinies, however I believe my path is set and no matter what people may say, it can not be changed. This may sound like giving up, but its not, there are things in this life that cannot be explained nor no matter what other people may think, may seem like this is an attitude of a person depressed and giving up.

All I can say is that, it is not.

Hurt (Johnny Cash)

Mood: not sure

I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

(Chorus)
what have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,

I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair,

beneath the stains of time,
the feelings dissapear,
you are someone else,
I am still right here,

What have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone I know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,

if I could start agian,
a million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way,

Songs...

Mood: not sure

It's almost 0100 CST and I can't sleep. I need to be up for work at about 0630 and be at the bus stop by about 0800 so that I can be at work by 0900. Going to try and pick up some extra hours, I'm sure that I won't see it till either my next pay day after this upcoming one or next month. The zipper on my jacket broke and the snap buttons don't work very well. The jacket is my one and only Winter coat that I have for work and going out. I do have another one but because the seams are falling apart, it's better as a work jacket (like working on the car or yard work).

I do have a rain coat that I rarely use, it's a drover coat, the coat like the cowboys used to wear while riding horses, I don't have a liner for it but I do have either a sweater or pull over that I could wear under it. I just got done water proofing it with a special cream that is specific for that coat.

I've been playing Battlefield 2 a lot, the video card that I have currently is not supported by the game and keeps kicking me out. I want to upgrade my video card, but currently don't have the funds to get the card that I want. Not only that, it seems that AGP video cards are becoming obsolete and may have to concider upgrading my motherboard again so that I can get a PCI Express video card, the problem with that is that I'll have to upgrade my CPU, Harddrive and Memory as well. I know that for sure, I'm not getting an overclocked video card again, too many issues, too many problems.

Now, getting to the title, lately my entries have had lyrics to songs, the best way that I can describe my feelings and my life has always been through music. Music has always been a large part of my life.

Coming Around Again (Carly Simon)

Mood: not sure

Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

You pay the grocer
Fix the toasted
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl'
Scream the lullaby

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
(repeat and fade)

Imagine (John Lennon)

Mood: a-ok

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one

Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins)

Mood: not sure

- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood

I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.

- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh

In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.

- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear

Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.

- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home

There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.

- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh

Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.

California Dreamin' (Mamas And The Papas)

Now that the weather is getting all "Wintery" (a term commonly used here in Minnesota), I've been thinking of places that are of a warmer climate. It doesn't seem like 10 years living here in Minnesota, but it has, been through 10 years of winters, 10 years of summers, etc... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the different seasons, but I guess being used to having summer all year round (kind of), it makes the winters a little rough.

- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- I'd be safe and warm
- I'd be safe and warm
- If I was in L.A.
- If I was in L.A.
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day

I guess lately with all the issues going on in my life, I've been contemplating seeking spiritual enlightenment. Thought of going to church to see if there might be something that may offer some kind of soul calming or relief. I guess, I've been searching for answers to questions that the answers seem to elude me. I've never thought of myself as a spiritual sort of person. It seems that in these times of uncertainty it maybe a needed thing.

- Stopped into a church
- I passed along the way
- Well, I got down on my knees
- Got down on my knees
- And I began to pray
- I began to pray
- You know the preacher lights the coal
- Preacher lights the coal
- He knows I'm gonna stay
- Knows I'm gonna stay
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day

Well, I guess theres not much more to this, there maybe changes coming sooner than I had expected, however its a wait and see kind of situation. I'll hold back in giving out that information until that time comes, however like my life, that may never come. Like I mentioned before, I hate being uncertain about aspects and events that deal with my life. I want to be in control but a whole lot of times it difficult to stay in control. If control isn't kept, then it can spin out of control way too fast.

- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- If I didn't tell her
- If I didn't tell her
- I could leave today
- I could leave today
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day

Happy F$#@ing Holi- F$#@ing days

Mood: irritated

Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.

At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.

I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.

That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.

I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.

Veteran of The Psychic Wars (Blue Oyster Cult)

Mood: blue

- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.

- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free

I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.

- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on

I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.

Ordinary World (by Duran Duran)

Mood: blue

- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...

I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...

I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

- (Just blown away...)

- And I don't... (chorus)

What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.

- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)

- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...

Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.

In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.

Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.

I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.

Come Undone (Duran Duran)

Mood: don't ask

At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.

- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.

- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.

- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.

Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.

- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.

- (chorus)

- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.

- (chorus)

- Fade...


What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.

I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.

So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.