At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.
- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.
- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.
Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.
- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.
- (chorus)
- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.
- (chorus)
- Fade...
What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.
I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.
So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.
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