Ordinary World (by Duran Duran)

Mood: blue

- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...

I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...

I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

- (Just blown away...)

- And I don't... (chorus)

What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.

- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)

- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...

Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.

In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.

Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.

I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.