California Dreamin...

Mood: a-ok

I've been living in Minnesota for about 10 years now, I moved here in April of 1995 and have been back to Hawaii once since then (by the way, I was born and raised in Hawaii with a couple of years in Colorado) and with every winter I get homesick. It used to be worse in the beginning when I first moved here.

I keep finding myself going to the Hawaii news site and reading up on whats going on there and see how things have changed. When I was there the last time, it seemed as though a lot has changed and a lot had stayed the same. I guess I got used to the fact that I never stayed in the same place for more than 9 - 12 months with the exception of when I went to high school up until the time I moved here.

At times I wonder if its just because that I live alone or because I am no longer part of the majority but a minority or because of something else that I'm not aware of. In Hawaii I was part of the Majority, to better explain what I mean, there are a lot of Japanese and people of Japanese ancestry. I believe that the Japanese population was at about 65 percent, the other Asian population made up the other 15 to 20 percent and then the rest were the Caucasians, African Americans, Hispanics and etc...

I do have friends here, but its not the same as having someone special in your life, someone that you can talk to, tell your deepest fears and secrets and to be affectionate to or to share your life with. There were a couple of times that I thought I had found the one, but it seemed that either they were not ready for the commitment or I may have pushed them away in some fashion, to which I'm the only one to be blamed.

For as long as I can remember, I've always kept my emotions bottled up inside. There are a couple of songs that I know of that mention a wall, one of them being obvious by Pink Floyd (actually they had a whole album about it), the other being by Sting, a song called fortress around my heart. Long before those songs, I knew that I had built a wall around my heart and emotions so that I wouldn't be hurt by anyone, but as mentioned before, there were a couple of times that I had broken down those walls to let them in and had gotten hurt very badly by that.

Since then, I've built my walls back up again, but not as high as they used to be. It seems that I can't put them up as high as they used to be.

On the up side of all this, I've been slowly making changes to my website, cleaning it up, streamlining the menus and having a more professional look to it, but then again, it's on a free host site so how much more professional can you get it with all those pop-ups. I would try to purchase a domain again, but because of the past history with my financial situation, it may not be up for very long. So I'll just keep it on the free site.

On another up side, I have been corresponding to 3 very lovely ladies from Russia. I know, it just maybe a money scheme, but so far, my feelings have been telling me that these women are on the level. I have come across a couple of women that were just a way of getting money, usually after about 4 or 5 letters they start asking for money. It was those women that somehow didn't feel right, so I tried to investigate it further and found out that I was right.

Well, I'll end this entry for today and will be back again tomorrow to add more again. It maybe to explain some of my earlier posts or maybe it maybe about something new... gotta keep checking back to see what or which it maybe.