Mood: down
Last night, I didn't get much sleep, as I mentioned in my entry for yesterday. I finally fell asleep at about 0230 and ended up waking up at approximately 0730, after that I couldn't sleep again. It seems like the day was matching my mood, grey. I have a need to talk about my situation, but I just don't know who to turn to or to talk with. I don't want to share my deepest, darkest thoughts to just anyone, so if it seems like what I'm writing here is vague, that's why.
The other issues that are plaguing my thoughts is whether to, well, I won't mention it, sorry that I've piqued your curiosity. The main thing is having to face the shame, losing face and having to deal with what others are thinking about me because of this.
I went for a walk on my lunch break, hoping to kind of clear my mind and calm myself down a bit, but I can't seem to get rid or lessen the feelings and mood that I'm in right now. I would rather be at home right now, just staying in, with the shades drawn and just being there to think of this and how to try to deal with this issue. I have a feeling that by the time this all comes to an end, my mind will be in such a state and this depression will overtake me. I worry about this, mostly how would my possessions be dispersed and who will take care of Samantha.
All I can think about right now is going the easy route and not taking the harder route which will make me a better person in the end. I don't want to face the fear of the unknown or the loss of my sanity, I know that if it should go that route, I'll lose it completely that which I have been holding together with a tightly wound, very thing thread. I can, at times feel it give, but somehow have managed to keep it together until now...
If I should, I want to find the quick and the painless way. I know that there maybe some people that will miss me, but only for a little while, then I'll be forgotten, but I know that there will be those who will never forget and its to those people that I will apologize the most.
I just feel that my honor and families honor is at stake here and being the first born and the oldest, I have let them down. It's not a pride issue, it's a Japanese issue, I feel a tie to my Japanese ancestry, but then at times I am conflicted with my American heritage. I know that I was not born and raised in Japan, but born and raised in American as an American. I often feel a strong pull to my ancient heritage...
The one thing I do know that I can write here is that I know that I've been around in the past, at least 3 times prior to this life and in all of my past lives, I have been born of Japanese Ancestry. I know that my most recent past life, my life was cut short and that is why my spirit or soul decided to return so quickly. I know that after this life, my spirit will move on to somewhere else, but to where, that is still a mystry. I just hope that it's a easier and better life than that I had here and now...
All that I can say and feel is that i've been miserable just about my whole life, sure there were times that I felt good about my life, but it just seems so far and few inbetween. The main thing is that, I've been searching for that perfect person, the perfect love and it seems to keep alluding me.
I've been wondering if I should leave on my own accord, will have to repeat a life here? or will I be able to move on? or will I have to stay in a state that will be tormenting till the end of time.
I also wonder if so many more questions that I have will keep me up again tonight, the last time I faced a crisis, it took me at least 2-3 weeks to clear out my head and finally get a good nights rest. I just wished this would all go away. I know that the way some people choose will not work for me because I'll be able to remember everything while under the influence of either alcohol or narcotics. I should explain about the narcotics, what I mean is that I used to take medication for asthma and that stuff would get me high, the same goes for Actifed which was prescribed to me by a doctor.
Well, I'll end this entry for now and if I still have control of my thoughts and sanity, I'll write again tomorrow. Till then, Stay safe, stay well and stay sane.
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