I have seen fault in others, but have failed to see the fault within...

It is so easy to see the fault in other people but fail to see your own faults. I know that I have complained about other people but have never complained about myself, although I have never claimed to be perfect. At times I have tried to "force" my ethics on those people around me, but never seem to follow them myself. I know that in the past, there have been things that I have done that I am not proud of or ever speak of, nor do I have a significant other or children (at least that I know of) that I could bestow either what I deem as good ethics or positive direction. I guess because I do not, I tend to do this for those who do not want it (and no, the one thing that I am not proud of has nothing to do with my current issue).

I have tried to follow my own, but have failed so many times and now I know that people around me don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. In a way I care, but in another, I don't. I don't know if also this is a defense mechanism for being so trusting of people until those that want to take advantage of it, lose my trust. I have never trusted my own instincts until recently, but I feel that it is too late. I should have done so long ago.

Deep down within me is a paranoid, introvert, depressed and lonesome person that has a low self-esteem and so desperately wants to be liked by everyone, but knows that not everyone can be pleased. Those people that I feel that I can trust, I trust without question, those that I don't, well you get the picture. When I get really depressed, I lack the motivation and have a tendency to spend a lot of money, either on things that I don't really need or too much of what I need. It usually ends up to the point where I am doing without with what I truly need.

I know that there are a couple of people that I work with that do read these journal entries and there maybe others but rest assured, if I am going to hurt someone, its going to be me and no one else. I wouldn't be able to rest easily if I had hurt someone other than myself. Right now, I don't plan to because I've felt that there is something that I need to do, but still don't know what it is. I guess I'll know when the time comes.

つづく ( To be continued... )