Brand New Day

Last night I had apparently fallen asleep before the 9:00 pm news and woke up at about 3:45 this morning. I had decided to go out to the store before the early morning rush and pick up a few stationary and food items. Well, it's been a while since I had taken the time to just notice things around me and as I was walking to the store, it seemed that everything seemed different, even though it is the same store that I had been to before on many numerous occasions, located in the same area. Either that or I have been bound by some immense weight and it had been lifted recently. I don't know if it is because of my recent 6 day sabbatical that I had taken or the Zen meditation that I had done in those 6 days.

As the sun was rising, I noticed the sky, the landscape, it just seemed different, maybe a more peaceful, serene feeling. Then again, it maybe that I was finally able to tell someone everything that I have been going through that cleared the heavy weight that I had bared for so long now. I had just noticed today that for the past 2 days, I haven't had the urge to play Battlefield2...

Oh, I found this really interesting "pencil" that just recently came out, it looks like a pen, no, not a mechanical pencil, this has a liquid graphite cartridge and is like a #2 pencil. To some extent, the writing looks like it was done in pensil, I guess it needs to dry first to really make a difference.

Also, got Samantha a new toy, a mouse stuffed with catnip and it has a rattle inside of it. Since I gave it to her, she's been playing with it all day, right up until I left for work... It's funny watching her with it cause she'll lie there, all stretched out and just keep licking and rubbing it all over her face... I think I need to get her more catnip more often.

つづく ( To be continued... )

Back for now...

Last night I returned from an Unintended and uncontrolled trip which started exactly a week ago today. In a way it was pretty relaxing, but also at the same time very frustrating cause I was unable to make sure that I was able to have anyone check up and take care of Samantha. It's a good thing too because when I got back last night, she didn't have any water and food for about 4 days.

After trying to catch up on what had been going on in my forced absense, it feels like I've been gone for a lot longer than a week. Feels like I've been gone for about a month to a year. I need to do a lot of stuff here before anything else happens.

つづく ( To be continued... )

Oompa Loompa's, Kessel Run and Cherry Kool-Aide

YEE HAH!! Cherry Kool-Aide and Vanilla Stoli, Very Good!! Almost like drinking a Cherry Shaved Ice Cone with Vanilla Ice Cream in the bottom, or a Cherry Slush Float. Being drunk is fun, gotta make up for all the time I've lost till now. I think Minnesota has some sort of effect on people's psyche. I don't know what it is or what is causing it, but I've noticed it a lot lately.

Olympus Camera has a terrible rebate program, I wouldn't recommend getting a camera from that manufacturer. I sent in my rebate in March, the week of the 19th and they didn't recieve it till the 11th of March. The rebate form said to wait 8 - 10 weeks but it's been over that... I'm sure that they've recieved it in about 3 days from when I sent it in, but unless the USPS shipped my letter by Mule or Horseback, it doesn't take almost a month to get a letter.

Last night

Last nights walk was pretty nice, the wind was blowing, I made sure that I didn't have as much weight in my pack as I did the last time and it didn't take me as long to get home. I'm not as sore as I was the last time. So that I'm grateful for. Besides with the new diet that I'm on, it's helping me lose the weight.

Cherry Kool-Aide and Vanilla Stolichniya, a very good combination, especially when it's been in the freezer.

Idiots with sports bike, bad. I have this urge to run a thin wire across the parking lot so that when the idiot that keeps coming around and speeds in and out of the parking lot... well you get the idea.

Today on my voice mail, I was told I'll be getting a week "off", so I don't know if this a paid week or a week to start looking for another job that they don't do background checks. If that is the case, I guess I'll sell everything and see about hopping a train for a state that offers a better climate for living outdoors.

Nothing against my employers, they have been great. Trying to help me though this dark hour of despair, but there is only so much that they can put up with and then... well, you know.

Anyway, the vodka is doing the talking for me right now. Getting sleepy.

My Entry for Today

Walkin' through the Jungle wringin' wet
One half blood and the other half sweat
I saw somethin' movin' up ahead of me

he was tryin' to hide in a bamboo tree
I put my cross hairs on his chest
and his sorry ass to rest

Now you can tell his moma in old Hanoi
She just lost her darlin' boy

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Scattered thoughts, random thoughts, not sure what to think anymore. So many issues and so little time. My head feels like it's about ready to explode with all these thoughts. I need to quiet them down with vodka and tequila. I think I maybe turning into an alcoholic, even though my family doesn't have a history of alcoholism, or at least I don't think... I would like to believe that I have been such a responsible person up until this point, but it seems that the feeling is leaving me. Thoughts of just dropping all responsibilities and selling everything, getting a laptop and just wonder about the country.

I do have an obligation to fulfill so I can't just do that now. I'm not going to slack off just because I want to leave. I'm going to continue doing what I have to do, at the same pace. Someday, maybe, you just might see me wondering the streets as that person talking to the imaginary companions with the long shaggy beard, pushing a grocery cart with Samantha in it. Instead of begging for money, I'd be begging for an internet connection and a power outlet to charge up my mp3 player and laptop.

I could train Samantha to hunt and catch wild rabbits and squirrels, then I wouldn't have to eat out of garbage cans. I definitely would keep my fishing pole, cause I could catch fish, just to mix up the diet.

つづく ( To be continued... )

Retreating back behind my walls

No more. I'll just retreat back behind my walls, do what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to do and that's it. Only discussing the task at hand, no socializing. This doesn't mean I'm not talking to no one, just keeping separate what I should've in the first place. Everyone's tired of hearing me complain and I'm tired of complaining. I've fought this battle way to long and it's time to surrender. Like the veterans of Vietnam, re-upping for 2 consecutive tours, I'm tired, it's time to go home.

Anyway, continuing on... I have decided to switch my trackball with the one at work. I get a lot smoother response with the Logitech trackball than the Microsoft trackball. I used to really like the Microsoft trackballs before the quality went downhill. Now I'll be able to be more precise with the movement and when I'm mixing music, the program that I use, I'll be able to make micro movements with the speed control. It's been a long time since I've mixed music from the days when I used to be a disc jockey at a local radio station in Hawaii. There have been some songs out there that I have been wanting to mix to make a longer song and to just see if I can (still) do it.

I've been planning on getting a fishing license for this year and make sure that I take advantage of it. The last time I went fishing was about 4 to 5 years ago. Although, I do miss the days back in Hawaii when a group of my friends and I used to get together, make a bon fire and cast our lines out. Just sitting around talking, eating, drinking (only soda) and waiting for the bell to start ringing to let us know that something had taken the bait. Unlike fishing here, that was a lot more fun, here, you have fresh water and mostly need a boat...

Today, before going in to work, I heard some voices outside my apartment door. I took a look out the peep hole and saw my neighbor from across the hall selling drugs to his next door neighbor. You ask yourself, "How do you know it was drugs?", well, first off, he handed her something in a tin foil and got money in return, she asked "That's all you have?", so yes, it was and that's how I know. It wasn't so bad when I first moved in. The other night for example, I came home from work at about 11:45 pm and found 2 African-American males and 1 Caucasian male, all three in their early 20's standing outside and next to my apartment door... Doesn't one of them live around here and have their own apartment? I don't know or they maybe just living in the hallway...

The night before that or 2, a group of people standing outside in the parking lot at about 1:45 a.m. playing that bass music, talking and laughing loudly. Again, don't they have an apartment that they could do that in? I don't know. I want to move, but am unable to due to certain circumstances (no, not because of the lease). I'm just waiting for the gunshots to start ringing out cause some druggie or gangbanger had a deal go bad...

Right now, Samantha is in the other room, I should go bug her like she does to me... lol. Then again, she'll love the attention. The past year, everytime I get ready for work and at the time I'm putting on my socks, she'll keep pestering me for attention as if she didn't want me to leave for fear that I won't return. She's funny that way... and when I return home, just as I put the key in the lock, she'll be right there at the door, complaining, crying for attention and doesn't stop till after I change and sit down and start petting her.

I've been thinking of getting a bamboo steamer for the "Wok" (American version Wok). I've been thinking of Char Siu Bao. Char Siu Bao is a chinese steamed bun filled with red sweet pork in the middle. There are some other Chinese dishes that I've been wanting to eat, but because I don't have the proper utensils to make them, I've been putting off making it.

Previously I mentioned that I've upgraded my broadband connection, but after running a couple of tests, I found that I'm only getting half the speed that I'm currently signed up for, I suspect that I need to upgrade my modem and think that my current modem wasn't made to handle the increased speed. I'm debating on either replacing it with another Linksys Broadband modem or getting a Motorola SURFboard broadband modem. I really want to take advantage of the increased speed so that I can play Battlefield2 better.

Well, I guess I have to end this here, I have a long day ahead of me...

つづく ( To be continued... )

My Observations...

I give up. At work, this person that has been with the company for a couple of months now is picking up bad habits from another person. I am not going to say who, but it seems that after all the important people, supervisors and managers leave, this person will do nothing but look at google maps and take calls. Nothing else. Yesterday this person really, extremely got me angry by ignoring me when I asked this person to do something and all this person did was look at google maps. Only because this persons internet connection at home is slow, so, why not, come to work and use the faster connection...

I know that at times I don't pay attention to what I should be doing, but usually I'll keep checking back at what I'm supposed to be doing and not let it get out of hand. There have been a couple of times that I have been reminded but those times are far and few between. Why should I work when other people don't? Does this person think that they are better than everyone? Just because this persons "hero" does the same thing, it doesn't mean that they can do the same. A Full 2 and a 1/2 hours of just sitting there. Just because it gets close to the end of your shift doesn't mean that you don't have to do anything because the next shift is in. I've worked all the way up until it was time to go, there were times that I had missed the bus that I was supposed to catch because I was stuck working.

Screw this, no one wants to fix these issues, no one wants to listen to what I have to say, everyone is tired of hearing me complain. So, I give up. I wouldn't complain in the first place if everyone worked hard. If they want to claim that this is the best that they can do, then it makes me wonder whats the worse. I don't work as hard as I should or usually do because no one else does and I have very little to show for it. No one cares and those who should that do notice when I did work hard, it doesn't affect them to work harder.

These and several other issues have me dreading coming into work, well not dreading, but not motivated. Like they say, when the cats away, the mice will play and play do the mice around here...

つづく ( To be continued... )

I have seen fault in others, but have failed to see the fault within...

It is so easy to see the fault in other people but fail to see your own faults. I know that I have complained about other people but have never complained about myself, although I have never claimed to be perfect. At times I have tried to "force" my ethics on those people around me, but never seem to follow them myself. I know that in the past, there have been things that I have done that I am not proud of or ever speak of, nor do I have a significant other or children (at least that I know of) that I could bestow either what I deem as good ethics or positive direction. I guess because I do not, I tend to do this for those who do not want it (and no, the one thing that I am not proud of has nothing to do with my current issue).

I have tried to follow my own, but have failed so many times and now I know that people around me don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. In a way I care, but in another, I don't. I don't know if also this is a defense mechanism for being so trusting of people until those that want to take advantage of it, lose my trust. I have never trusted my own instincts until recently, but I feel that it is too late. I should have done so long ago.

Deep down within me is a paranoid, introvert, depressed and lonesome person that has a low self-esteem and so desperately wants to be liked by everyone, but knows that not everyone can be pleased. Those people that I feel that I can trust, I trust without question, those that I don't, well you get the picture. When I get really depressed, I lack the motivation and have a tendency to spend a lot of money, either on things that I don't really need or too much of what I need. It usually ends up to the point where I am doing without with what I truly need.

I know that there are a couple of people that I work with that do read these journal entries and there maybe others but rest assured, if I am going to hurt someone, its going to be me and no one else. I wouldn't be able to rest easily if I had hurt someone other than myself. Right now, I don't plan to because I've felt that there is something that I need to do, but still don't know what it is. I guess I'll know when the time comes.

つづく ( To be continued... )

My Russian Friend and I

My Russian friend came to visit this weekend, the first night she and I kept each other company. It was a quiet night that night, occasionally my friend from Mexico would join in. Last night, my Russian friend and I partied pretty hard, Ms. Stoli and I got trashed, she made my head spin and she stayed the night, all the way up until 1:00 pm today. My friend from Mexico, Ms. Cuevo, helped me cook before the party started, so at least she wasn't ignored.

Last night I made an enchiladas, I put the image here. I've been taking pictures of the meals that I made myself. Most of them were made by "scratch", meaning not premade. With the exception of the Chimichangas... I don't want to sound conceited, but I have been told that I am a good cook, personally I don't think so, I feel that at least it doesn't taste awful to me.

Well, the new joystick has been working out, got it configured for Battlefield2. I still have a hard time flying Helos in the game, but when it comes to the fast movers, it seems to be a lot easier, I still need to work on flying the tank killers... There is one technique that I want to get good at that I had seen during an air show long ago that involves the F-15. For the bombing run, they fly at High altitude, then when they are almost on target, they cut their engines and point the nose of the F-15 down. At about 5,000 feet, they drop their bombs, kick in the engines, point their noses up and hit the afterburners... Very effective and very cool.

つづく ( To be continued... )

Being drunk and posting in a journal...

It's not a good thing to post while your drunk. My friends from Russia and Mexico came over on Friday, my friend from Japan couldn't make it... by the way, got my joy stick, but not the one I had intended to get, I did get something better and it was way cheaper than the one I was planning on getting.

つづく ( To be continued... )

Not remembering how I got there...

Last night, I went to sleep in my bed, in the bedroom. However, when I woke up this morning, I woke up on the couch in the living room. The T.V. was off and whenever I do walk into the living room, I turn on the T.V. Now, I've never walked in my sleep, however for the past couple of months, I can only sleep for about 3 to 4 hours at a time. So I don't know if this or something else has been having an effect on me.

Well, on a positive note... I upgraded my broadband speed from the standard 4 meg service to the 8 meg service. After I got upgraded, I decided to give it a little test drive and did notice a faster page load through the browser, however I still need to play Battlefield 2 a little more to see if I notice a difference. The reason I decided on the speed upgrade was in prepriation for the Battlefield2 add-on called Armored Fury. In Armored Fury, they've added A-10's that you can fly... I like the jets, but the A-10's are my speed and just the way I like it, slow, low and deadly.

Hopefully, if all goes well, I'll be getting the add-on tomorrow and get a flight control system to make it easier to fly the fast movers and helo's. Either that or play drunk and get killed a lot... can't decide which would be more fun.... I'm also planning on making enchilada's for dinner tomorrow. I should have pictures of them up by tomorrow night. I'm also planning on making tempura for dinner the next night.

つづく ( To be continued... )

Management Documents

I finally got 2 out of the 3 documents completed. If your interested in reading them, I put them on this site, it may move in the near future. I hope to find a better place to put them. It was basically a refresher for me when typing up the documents as well as a challange, cause when they were Xerox'd, the quality of the copies were in fairly poor shape. Also I had them out of order and with the lighting at home, I had a difficult time putting them back in order and thought that I was missing some pages. I was able to better see them during the day time and had finally got it straightened out and typed up, also I put them in .pdf formats for faster transfer.

I'm not sure if I should work on the final document, mostly because it's basically out dated. I also wanted to make one thing clear, Loki - this is not about you... it's about someone else and also not about your 2nd in command... again, just wanted to make it clear to avoid any misunderstandings. If anything else, a lot of the information in the documents appears that you already know and do.

Anyway, continuing on... again, I'm looking forward to my Japanese and Swedish friend (or Russian) coming over and visiting... it'll be a good old time for 2 days, non-stop.

つづく ( To be continued... ) 若しかしたら...

This weekend...

I'm hoping that my two friends will come over to visit, my Japanese and Swedish or Russian Friends, this weekend...

つづく ( To be continued... ) 若しかしたら...

Leaving Las Vegas (Minnesota)

I want to be like Ben Sanderson (Nicholas Cage).

Ben, a man who has lost his wife and child, throws his job away, and takes all of his remaining money to buy as much liquor as possible and "drink himself to death" in the city of Las Vegas. He has given up all hope, with no wish to live, but for one reason or another, wants a companion to share in his misery, but not try to save him. He finds this companion in a hooker, Sera. They immediately form a strong relationship based on one night of talking about their lives. Sera in particular quickly grows attached to Ben, for no other reason than she has been alone her whole life and wants nothing more than to feel that want and need by someone.

Not sure about the whole synopsis, but I do like the part of throws his job away, and takes all of his remaining money to buy as much liquor as possible and "drink himself to death" in the city of Las Vegas. I'll need to work on that part in the upcoming days or months. I have started an image change, which is a start. When I first heard about the movie, I didn't have any interest in watching it, but did catch it on one of the channels one day and got really engrossed in the whole story. In a related story, when I was living with my father in a small house that was converted into a 3 room apartment. We once had this neighbor that would drink heavily, you could tell when he took out his garbage, cause the trash bags would clink with a lot of bottles in them. Well, one night I heard soft thumping and didn't think much of it, well about 2 days later, the landlord came around cause the guy hadn't paid his rent yet. When she opened the door, she found the tenant had drunk himself to death...

I remember seeing the coroner wheeling out the black body bag, the officers that showed up questioned me if I had noticed anything unusual and just mentioned the soft thumping noised I heard a couple days prior. I guess the thumping was him in convulsions.

I have been working on a personal project as of recent. All the materials that I had received when I was trained in as a manager I had received on paper, I'm converting over to digital format. There are papers that I have that I am unable to locate on the web or books from the lecturer that I hope to have up on the web soon. The people who trained me in were really good at management and those managers that I have worked under seemed to have been taught the same techniques that I have on paper.

These are the same materials that I have tried to follow even though I am not management and believe that there is one person that could use the information, cause this persons management style is awful.

Arrogance is the downfall of those who have potential.

I try to be humble in all endeavors, but I do run across a few people that are arrogant, either because they think that they are more intelligent than others or because they feel that now they have a higher position than others that they are better than the rest. I don't like being treated like this so I don't treat the way I hate. I usually give everyone that I meet the benefit of the doubt, but once someone does this and I try to help them but basically ignore me, I don't have anything further to help them, basically, let them hang themselves.

What it comes down to is this... I have met governors of states, Mayors, celebrities, CEO's of major companies and have done presidential details, I treat everyone the same. I am loyal to those people that treat me fairly and would give my life to protect those people. I don't pledge my loyalty to just anyone and would not lay my life down to those whom are undeserving, but there are those people that I could care less for that maybe I should, but if they want to belittle people, be it through words or actions, don't deserve my attention.

つづく ( To be continued... ) 若しかしたら...

Don't let yourself get attached

to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.

It seems that I have always lived by that saying, never staying in one place for too long, almost nomadic lifestyle. At times by choice and at times, not by choice. Once again I am faced with the dilemma of should I stay or should I just leave, giving up everything. I don’t know if this is brought on by the middle age thing, but I seem to have thoughts about it a little more frequently than I normally do.

One thing that has been bugging me lately is when someone flatly denies something, for example, there is an issue with a program not working the way it should, but the person denies that there is anything wrong right away… no questions about what commands were typed, no questions about the program, just right away, “No, nothing is wrong”. It has happened before, with another issue, but eventually I concluded that there was something additional I did not type in.

Now, this person has the attitude that the person is always right, the person knows everything just because they have been doing it longer, just because they have a higher rank. One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when someone talks down to you or they have this talk as if they were of higher intellectual level than you. When I talk to someone, I try to talk to them as an equal or put them on a higher level than I do, that is only because of the previous training I have had.

Up until this point, I had let it slide, but it seems that lately I cannot and it is really getting to me. In addition, this person wants to play the good friend, but when the person does not like something, the person will antagonistic, where it is either this person’s way or no way, almost to the point of dictatorship. The point is, you want to alienate yourself, then keep doing what you’re doing. I respect those people that will look into the issue, but also actually do and then get back to you. Not all people are the way they look and just because of my interests, it does not mean I do not know anything about what I do.

つづく ( To be continued... ) 若しかしたら...

Wrong place, wrong time...

So, the game is what am I feeling... here are the clues:

1. I try to express myself through journals (online).
2. I tried Origami (that can only last as long as the paper does).
3. I do play video games (Battlefield2).
4. I've tried exercising.
5. I live in substantial social isolation (Like a troll under the bridge, I like it dark and when I'm not at work, I'm at home with all the shades drawn).
6. I guess I'm going through dramatic weight loss.
7. It seems like I'm heading for a job loss.


誰 誰 こ こ 私 そ 私 私 私 そ
も も れ れ 遅 し は は は れ
わ の は は く て 通 人 場 は
か 本 で だ 出 私 常 々 所 私
っ 当 あ け か が ほ に 及 が
て の る 影 け 出 と 対 び 生
い 方 か の る か ん 処 時 ま
る 法 だ 戦 で け ど し 間 れ
こ 知 れ 士 あ る だ な 両 た
と っ こ の る と れ い 方 こ
存 て の 方 。 き で で に と
在 い タ 法 最 も 大 場 場
し る イ 情 も あ い 違 所
な 、 プ 緒 快 る に い か
さ の 的 適 夜 よ 偽 ら
い 戦 愛 、 に り り 移
で 士 着 私 よ な る
あ 、 で が く く 間
る な 家 感 で 違
。 い に じ あ い
。 私 る る だ
に 。 。 っ
い た
る 。
と
き
、

つづく ( To be continued... ) 若しかしたら...