True meaning of Complain... or Money (Pink Floyd)

Complain: to express grief, pain, or discontent

"You've complained about not having enough money and even asked me 2-3 times in the past if I could borrow you 5 dollars the week prior to getting paid."

I have never complained, I have said something about it but I have never complained about not having enough money. I may have complained about other people, other things, even the weather, but there are things that I do not share, my life is private except for those things that I want to let people know about. I don't even like to have people over to my place unless I feel comfortable with them. You see, I feel so much more secure when I'm alone, so I guess, I'm admitting that I am actually an introvert compared to how I act in public.

Not once have I ever said that "I wish I had more money" or "I need a new job cause I need more money", saying that I don't have money is not complaining, asking to borrow money before payday is not complaining. If someone doesn't want to loan money, all they have to do is say no. I don't beg, I don't get upset, I just go on and find other ways of getting more money in ways that are legal. If it were illegal, I wouldn't be working. Like the saying goes - "Don't bite the hand that feeds you".

- Money, get away.
- Get a good job with good pay and you're okay.
- Money, it's a gas.
- Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
- New car, caviar, four star daydream,
- Think I'll buy me a football team.

When it comes to money, I have my priorities. First and foremost is my bills. At times I may skip the first part and spend it on myself for things that could wait, but it's only because I rarely do spend money on myself. I do have dreams of having a new car or getting caviar (and do I so wish that I could get some caviar on a Blinni with some creme fresh) or upgrading my computer with the latest and greatest toys or electronics but the bills come first. I'm not married, I don't have a girlfriend, I pay my own rent, all by myself, I have a vehicle that I own (not the bank or finance company), I have utilities that I have to pay in order to see what I'm doing at night or to cook my own meals. I don't have someone waiting for me when I get home. I own out right all that I have (with the exception of the apartment). I enjoy the good life, but can I afford it? No. Do I dream about it? Yes.

- Money, get back.
- I'm all right Jack keep your hands off of my stack.
- Money, it's a hit.
- Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.
- I'm in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
- And I think I need a Lear jet.

When I can, if I have a little extra, I do have a tendency to give it away to those that are in need of it, those that I don't expect to get it back, those who are worse off than I am, that would do anything to have money but can't. It's only to those who I feel that it would make a difference and would make the most of what they get and not just blow it all away either or both gambling or doing drugs/alcohol. I can't tell you how I know. I just do. There have been only a couple of people in the past that I had been mistaken about, but for the most part, most of them truly need it.

Now take Spike for example, I could tell that he is a good person, someone that I would trust, someone that if need be, would give my life to protect. Yes, you too Pizza boy and the Dark one, you know who you are and what I'm talking about. Even though we have had our differences, my loyalties are with them, I would back them up no matter what. However, recently there was a person that I had met that I had trusted and was burned in the end, to put it bluntly, I was used as a get out of jail free card, it is those types of people who don't want to cross my path again nor get any sympathy from me.

- Money, it's a crime.
- Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie.
- Money, so they say
- Is the root of all evil today.
- But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that
- they're giving none away.

So with that said, I wonder how close did I come in my analysis of Spike? He's got me all figured out, not. Well, at least one part of his analysis he hit it on bulls eye. Could it be a gift or just experience that if I did figure him or anyone out or came close. I know one thing, I'll only speak to those people when I need to but won't get into a conversation, especially with Spike, only because I don't want to talk about or hear about religion, nothing against it, but I just rather not only because if someone can't keep certain beliefs to themselves unless asked or mentioned by other parties, then it's better not to talk at all.

- "HuHuh! I was in the right!"
- "Yes, absolutely in the right!"
- "I certainly was in the right!"
- "You was definitely in the right. That geezer was cruising for a bruising!"
- "Yeah!"
- "Why does anyone do anything?"
- "I don't know, I was really drunk at the time!"
- "I was just telling him, he couldn't get into number 2. He was asking why he wasn't coming up on freely, after - I was yelling and screaming and telling him why he wasn't coming up on freely. It came as a heavy blow, but - we sorted the matter out"

The Out Of Place Hawaiian

Mood: not sure

I wake to the sound of the alarm clock buzz, my eyes are still closed. The cat is standing on the bed next to me crying out as if responding to each buzz that emanates from the alarm clock. I flip the covers off and the sudden realization that I am no longer back home hits me with the chill of winter. As I acknowledge the cat first, thanking her for helping out the alarm clock wake me up, then rolling out of bed and hitting the snooze bar then rolling back into bed and covering myself back up with the warm blankets and try to sleep again thinking that what is reality is actually a dream.

An hour later, the same thing, I wake to the buzzing of the alarm with the cat responding back to each buzz. I finally get out of bed to get ready for the day and the apartment is cold, even with the thermostat set at 80 degrees, the apartment is 70 degrees all over. I guess that's better than being at 65 degrees a couple of days ago. As I stumble about the apartment with the cat in tow, I begin to wonder why I ever left Hawaii and wished that I was back there now. I can feel the slight pain in my throat and my body feels weak, I think to myself "Dammit, I can't get sick". I start planning on drinking a lot of liquids and take the multi vitamin that I have sitting in the cupboard (I think I got them about a year ago, it should be still good shouldn't it?).

Well, after I got ready and down to warm up the truck, I realize that I forgot to drink more water and take that multi-vitamin, oh well, I'll get to it when I get home tonight. After sweeping the snow off the truck, it's warmed up enough to start driving to the park and ride about 10 miles away. Again, my thoughts are thinking of the warm weather there, sitting on a beach with my cooler full of drinks and a lunch, fishing pole and the line out waiting for a fish to take the bait. Even if that doesn't happen, it's a nice sunny day, listening to the waves wash upon the shore, warm sand between my toes. I've reached my destination, the park and ride. The snow covered grounds, I leave the just warmed up cab and start walking to the bus stop. Cold wind blowing, the crunch of each step as I walk through the snow.

A song starts to fill my thoughts, several songs, California ', Far too Wide for me, My Hawaii, and Honolulu City lights. The memories of my happy days, driving around the island, sitting in a park and watching all the people enjoying the day, at night, sitting in the parking lot at the beach and listening to the waves break on the shore... I can feel the cold cutting through the layers of clothing that I am wearing to protect me from the winter air.

I finally get on the bus and after taking my seat, I feign a sleep while listening to my mp3 player, thoughts that come to mind is if I had made the right choice by moving to Minnesota, what would my life would have been like if I had stayed in Hawaii or what would it have been like if I had chosen another state, like California or ? I contemplate a lot of "what if's". What I now know, if I had known then, would I have made these choices? I wouldn't be able to answer that fully without deeply thinking what the outcome maybe. I do know that there are a lot of things in my past that I would have like to change. I suddenly realize, I am a Out Of Place Hawaiian. Maybe a out of place person or soul. I don't know. All that I know and thought I knew wasn't what I had thought it may be.

Religion: humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, generosity, and diligence.

Mood: irritated

Ok, there are some topics that I don't discuss. The reason for this is that there are some people that are uncomfortable talking about such subjects. One of them, as you can tell from my topic today is Religion.

There usually is a time and a place to talk about such and the workplace is not the place (unless it is a business oriented to such). There is this person, we'll call him Spike, when discussing several topics, about work, life etc... he tends to inject Religion into the conversation. I don't mind, but when someone is SO "passionate" about the subject and I can see that they are getting irritated, I tend to go for that raw nerve. Anyway, last week we were discussing jobs and either finding something else that pays more or staying where I am at now. Spike adds that his "father" will provide for him, well, I was thinking that his family (either paternal or in-law), so I replied, "well, that's all and good, but I don't have family that I can rely on here".

Well, the father he meant was God, well, let me tell you, that just opened up the flood gates... You see, religion (Christianity, Catholicism), teaches tolerance and it seems that Spike doesn't have it.

- In addition to the four "cardinal virtues" of prudence, fortitude, justice and temperance some Christian theologians promoted the idea of three "theological" virtues, faith hope and love. Together, they make up the sevel cardinal or heavenly virtues.

Now it doesn't seem very spiritual that a person gives up on a "lost soul", according to Spike's words "I'm done talking to you right now. Your past has got your thoughts of me all jacked up. I will just pray for you. I cannot even convert a peice (sp) of bread into toast without a toaster." Now let me say this, Spike is a young person, in his late 20's and hasn't been anywhere or done anything except live in the city that he's lived in. I've been to different places and to another country, I've seen the worst of people and the best of them, so my opinions are based on experience. Some of the things that I have also been involved with, I have seen just about it all.

Now, Spike's response to all this is "Than my advice is don't complain to me about your life or any of your problems.", never in all our conversations have I complained about my life or my problems, to him or to anyone. I keep it to myself, I believe that my problems are my own unless another is involved in my problems.

The Seven Contrary Virtues:

Humility - the quality or state of being humble

Kindness - 1 : a kind deed : FAVOR
2 a : the quality or state of being kind

Abstinence - voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving

Chastity - purity in conduct and intention

Patience - the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient

Liberality - the quality or state of being liberal

Diligence - persevering application

Now Spike, he's absent in 4 out of the 7 virtues, Humility, Kindness, Patience and Diligence. With humility, he's guilty of being prideful and arrogant of his position at the company, he thinks that he maybe favored at the company, but my experience has taught me that no one is immune from being dismissed, no matter how close (or think so) you seem to someone (i.e. the boss, etc...). In the corporate world, like in the political world, if they are not kissing babies or shaking your hand, without you looking, their stealing their lollipops or stabbing you in the back.

For kindness, it doesn't seem very kind to be intolerable towards a person that doesn't hold the same beliefs as you do. For patience, he's not very patient towards me. Spike has also been inpatient with a couple of people that he's talked to or associate with... not very spiritual if you ask me or others... Diligence, Spike doesn't seem all that diligent, either with work or with his religion. Again, I've never complained to him or the people that I work with about my life or situation.

Everyone at my company had to go to a Harassment training, as defined by the training, Harassment doesn't have to be a physical situation, if a person feels uncomfortable about something and another person continues to make those uncomfortable by pushing their ideals on another, than that is considered "Harassment".

Spike's claim is that people are not his provider, however, I don't see "God" paying his bills, making him healthy when he or his family is sick or giving him food when he's hungry. The people that either use his services or uses the company that he works for DOES provide the money to pay for all of the above. He states that he owns his own business, but if he should be slapped with a lawsuit and goes bankrupt fighting the suit, I don't think that money will appear out of nowhere or as a gift from "God".

Now, my question to Spike and I hope that Spike reads this, is that how many times have I told you F*&$ you? If I did, with the exception of today, it has always been in play. I don't like being lectured or told what to do with my private life, unless you've walked in my shoes, you have no basis for your lectures. If I wanted to be told what to do with my private life, I'd talk to my Aunt (whom I really despise because of this, only because she's trying to control my life).

So get your head out of the clouds and get back to reality. This is the real world, God is there, but he's not directing our lives, we make the decisions and life with the consequences. Also, walk a mile in another persons shoes before judging them. Making judgments on others should be left to God himself. Besides, Jesus died for all our sins, unless we do something that is so heineous... you guess the rest. In other words, I have seen the best and the worst of people, been there done that.

Where to go, what to do, what I could've done, what I could've been...

Mood: not sure

Niitakayama Noborimasu. Sen nihyaku hachi, moichido, sen nihyaku hachi!

Today is December 7th. Not everyone is familiar with the significance of the date and it seems that a lot of the younger generation has forgotten what happened that day on December 7th 1941 at 0755 that morning.

For me, I can't forget, my family was affected by this date. My grandfather was interned at Manzanar in California. Manzanar was a Japanese "relocation" camp for those of Japanese ancestry who were considered a risk to the United States of America.
The other date that also has a big significance for me is August 6th 1945 at 0815. My ancestors and family are from Hiroshima, one of the cities that the first Atomic bomb was dropped, the other was Nagasaki on August 9th in 1945.

If anyone is wondering what the first line of todays journal means, in Japanese, it means "Climb Mount Niitaka, 1208, repeat, 1208" which was the Japanese Imperial fleets code to commence the attack on Pearl Harbor. The meaning of the code phrase is "NIITAKAYAMA is the highest mountain in the Japanese Empire. To climb NIITAKAYAMA is to accomplish one of the greatest feats. In other words undertake the task (of carrying out assigned operations). 1208 signifies the 12th month, 8th day, Itex time."

Anyway, continuing on from the History lesson and going into the meaning of the title of this entry... lately I've been thinking of what it would've been like if I had gone into the Military, I suppose that I could still sign up for the reserves, the age limit is 40 years of age. If I had gone in right after high school, I think I would've made a career out of it. I wonder if I would've chosen the Army or the Marine Corps. Either way, PsyOps or Recon would've been what I would have like to have selected as my MOS.

Both would have been just the type of MOS for me, I wouldn't want just infantry, something where I would have been on my own a lot. In high school, when my friends and I used to engage in war games, I used to go off on my own and operated the best alone. I would be the one to make the first hit and take the last hit. Mostly not at all, all of my friends would get tired of searching for me...

The Shield

Mood: not sure
Hurt (mp3)

The lyrics from yesterday's title is from the teaser for The Shield. Vic Mackey is a character that I've identified myself with. As described on FX's The Shield website:

"Vic Mackey, a tough street-savvy detective, lives by his own code of ethics and believes the ends justify the means. He is fiercely loyal and protective towards those he cares about but unforgiving to those who cross him."

The lyrics and mood of the song seem to best fit my situation that I've been going through this year. The next seasons teaser is almost a chronicle of my life since last year.

Since high school and learning the background of my ancestry, I have held honor as my highest ideals and like the Samurai of old, believe in being fiercely loyal and protective of my family as well as to those I consider my very good friends. Like the Samurai, I would sacrifice my own life to preserve the lives of family and friends. The Shinobi or what is commonly known as Ninja's also held these same ideals, but not in such a displayed fashion. At times both of these ideals conflict with each other, but it is an ideal that I have found a way of blending them both.

There are times when one ideal becomes dominate over the other, it is when this happens, I seem to loose my way or forget these ideals. It is these times that situations don't seem to go right and realize sometimes a little too late. It is also those times that give me even more determination and clarity.

This can explain the way that I have been acting lately, cause it seems that I had strayed from the path and have been having a difficult time returning, but I am returning to the path.

"A path that is chosen must be followed till the end"

There are those that may say that we are able to change our paths and we make our own destinies, however I believe my path is set and no matter what people may say, it can not be changed. This may sound like giving up, but its not, there are things in this life that cannot be explained nor no matter what other people may think, may seem like this is an attitude of a person depressed and giving up.

All I can say is that, it is not.

Hurt (Johnny Cash)

Mood: not sure

I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

(Chorus)
what have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,

I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair,

beneath the stains of time,
the feelings dissapear,
you are someone else,
I am still right here,

What have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone I know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,

if I could start agian,
a million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way,

Songs...

Mood: not sure

It's almost 0100 CST and I can't sleep. I need to be up for work at about 0630 and be at the bus stop by about 0800 so that I can be at work by 0900. Going to try and pick up some extra hours, I'm sure that I won't see it till either my next pay day after this upcoming one or next month. The zipper on my jacket broke and the snap buttons don't work very well. The jacket is my one and only Winter coat that I have for work and going out. I do have another one but because the seams are falling apart, it's better as a work jacket (like working on the car or yard work).

I do have a rain coat that I rarely use, it's a drover coat, the coat like the cowboys used to wear while riding horses, I don't have a liner for it but I do have either a sweater or pull over that I could wear under it. I just got done water proofing it with a special cream that is specific for that coat.

I've been playing Battlefield 2 a lot, the video card that I have currently is not supported by the game and keeps kicking me out. I want to upgrade my video card, but currently don't have the funds to get the card that I want. Not only that, it seems that AGP video cards are becoming obsolete and may have to concider upgrading my motherboard again so that I can get a PCI Express video card, the problem with that is that I'll have to upgrade my CPU, Harddrive and Memory as well. I know that for sure, I'm not getting an overclocked video card again, too many issues, too many problems.

Now, getting to the title, lately my entries have had lyrics to songs, the best way that I can describe my feelings and my life has always been through music. Music has always been a large part of my life.

Coming Around Again (Carly Simon)

Mood: not sure

Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

You pay the grocer
Fix the toasted
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl'
Scream the lullaby

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
(repeat and fade)

Imagine (John Lennon)

Mood: a-ok

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one

Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins)

Mood: not sure

- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood

I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.

- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh

In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.

- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear

Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.

- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home

There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.

- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh

Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.

California Dreamin' (Mamas And The Papas)

Now that the weather is getting all "Wintery" (a term commonly used here in Minnesota), I've been thinking of places that are of a warmer climate. It doesn't seem like 10 years living here in Minnesota, but it has, been through 10 years of winters, 10 years of summers, etc... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the different seasons, but I guess being used to having summer all year round (kind of), it makes the winters a little rough.

- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- I'd be safe and warm
- I'd be safe and warm
- If I was in L.A.
- If I was in L.A.
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day

I guess lately with all the issues going on in my life, I've been contemplating seeking spiritual enlightenment. Thought of going to church to see if there might be something that may offer some kind of soul calming or relief. I guess, I've been searching for answers to questions that the answers seem to elude me. I've never thought of myself as a spiritual sort of person. It seems that in these times of uncertainty it maybe a needed thing.

- Stopped into a church
- I passed along the way
- Well, I got down on my knees
- Got down on my knees
- And I began to pray
- I began to pray
- You know the preacher lights the coal
- Preacher lights the coal
- He knows I'm gonna stay
- Knows I'm gonna stay
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day

Well, I guess theres not much more to this, there maybe changes coming sooner than I had expected, however its a wait and see kind of situation. I'll hold back in giving out that information until that time comes, however like my life, that may never come. Like I mentioned before, I hate being uncertain about aspects and events that deal with my life. I want to be in control but a whole lot of times it difficult to stay in control. If control isn't kept, then it can spin out of control way too fast.

- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- If I didn't tell her
- If I didn't tell her
- I could leave today
- I could leave today
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day

Happy F$#@ing Holi- F$#@ing days

Mood: irritated

Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.

At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.

I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.

That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.

I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.

Veteran of The Psychic Wars (Blue Oyster Cult)

Mood: blue

- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.

- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free

I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.

- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on

I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.

Ordinary World (by Duran Duran)

Mood: blue

- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...

I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...

I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

- (Just blown away...)

- And I don't... (chorus)

What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.

- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)

- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...

Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.

In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.

Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.

I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.

Come Undone (Duran Duran)

Mood: don't ask

At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.

- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.

- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.

- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.

Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.

- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.

- (chorus)

- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.

- (chorus)

- Fade...


What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.

I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.

So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.

Flying Monkey Butt

Mood: not sure

A new term, it may already be out there, but this is something that I came up with while sitting around with no information to look up, inbetween what needs to be done. "Flying Monkey Butt". A new word/term from the time in High school, "Chik-Boom". If anyone that I went to high school with would know what this means. If you need an explanation, email me and let me know, I'll try my best to put it without being too descriptive, unless requested.

This morning, like the past 3 work day mornings, I didn't want to go to work. I've waited till just about the last minute to leave. Anyway, this morning, I left a bit too late and missed my bus. After checking to see what time the next bus left, which would have made me really late, I decided to drive in to work instead. I guess because I was closer to downtown, it didn't take me that long to get into work and ended up being about an half hour early for work instead the the previous days, which I've either arrived just on time or 5 minutes late...

I don't know if it's been the weather, the cloudy days of recent or what, but I've been having a strong urge to just get up and leave. I guess, if I should just loose it completely, that just maybe the case. Just getting up, getting into the vehicle and just driving away, leaving everything behind. Then again, I would also need to take Samantha with me. The other issue would be dropping off the keys at the rental office and letting them know that anything left behind is there for anyone to have...

I guess the reason I've been feeling the way I do, is mostly caused by what I've seen out there in society. It seems that I've only been seeing the negative side of society and very little of the good side. At times it feels like no matter what I've done or whom I've helped, I just don't make a difference, mostly because those who I've tried to help, end up either going back or do the samething all over again. There are many others in the field that I am in who have said that it can eat you up and over whelm you if you don't seperate your private life with your work life.

At times it feels like I can feel the pain and suffering of the world, at times I just want it to stop, but I know that it'll always be there and at times it seems like that it's all that I'll ever have. Maybe it's loneliness talking now, maybe it's something else, I just need to try and figure out what it is and a way to either get rid of it or control it...

Idiots, Dummys, JackaXXs, Morons, etc...

Mood: don't ask

When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!

I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.

I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.

The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.

While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.

I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.

That's it for now.

What Dreams May Come

Mood: not sure

Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.

This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.

As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.

Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?

Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream

Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.

I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.

Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...

If it wasn't for...

Mood: down

I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...

My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.

The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.

I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.

Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.

Hello, it's been a while

Mood: not sure

Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.

As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.

Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.

The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.

Happy 4th

Nothing again for this Month, Please check the next month. Thanks!

Nothing for June

Sorry, No Entries here... See Next Month. Thanks.

Deacon Blues

Mood: not sure

Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...

This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past

You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line

CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind

I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home

CHORUS

This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be

CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)

Is this what it is like?

Mood: down

I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.

I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?

I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.

I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...

Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.

To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.

Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...

I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...

Strange happenings...

Mood: not sure

Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?

Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...

For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.

No matter how far a jackass travels, it'll never return a horse...

I've pondered the meaning of the title of this journal entry after hearing it from a Japanese Animation movie called Ghost in the Shell 2, Innocence. In a way, it means that no matter what you do, it'll never change, the same goes for habits.

Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.

The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.

I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.

The Missing days...

Mood: don't ask

I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.

I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.

This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.

I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.

Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.

Anyway, more later...

Should I, or Shouldn't I...

Mood: down

Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.

This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.

At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?

On a downward slid

Mood: down

I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.

Who wants to live forever...

Mood: down

Last night, I didn't get much sleep, as I mentioned in my entry for yesterday. I finally fell asleep at about 0230 and ended up waking up at approximately 0730, after that I couldn't sleep again. It seems like the day was matching my mood, grey. I have a need to talk about my situation, but I just don't know who to turn to or to talk with. I don't want to share my deepest, darkest thoughts to just anyone, so if it seems like what I'm writing here is vague, that's why.

The other issues that are plaguing my thoughts is whether to, well, I won't mention it, sorry that I've piqued your curiosity. The main thing is having to face the shame, losing face and having to deal with what others are thinking about me because of this.

I went for a walk on my lunch break, hoping to kind of clear my mind and calm myself down a bit, but I can't seem to get rid or lessen the feelings and mood that I'm in right now. I would rather be at home right now, just staying in, with the shades drawn and just being there to think of this and how to try to deal with this issue. I have a feeling that by the time this all comes to an end, my mind will be in such a state and this depression will overtake me. I worry about this, mostly how would my possessions be dispersed and who will take care of Samantha.

All I can think about right now is going the easy route and not taking the harder route which will make me a better person in the end. I don't want to face the fear of the unknown or the loss of my sanity, I know that if it should go that route, I'll lose it completely that which I have been holding together with a tightly wound, very thing thread. I can, at times feel it give, but somehow have managed to keep it together until now...

If I should, I want to find the quick and the painless way. I know that there maybe some people that will miss me, but only for a little while, then I'll be forgotten, but I know that there will be those who will never forget and its to those people that I will apologize the most.

I just feel that my honor and families honor is at stake here and being the first born and the oldest, I have let them down. It's not a pride issue, it's a Japanese issue, I feel a tie to my Japanese ancestry, but then at times I am conflicted with my American heritage. I know that I was not born and raised in Japan, but born and raised in American as an American. I often feel a strong pull to my ancient heritage...

The one thing I do know that I can write here is that I know that I've been around in the past, at least 3 times prior to this life and in all of my past lives, I have been born of Japanese Ancestry. I know that my most recent past life, my life was cut short and that is why my spirit or soul decided to return so quickly. I know that after this life, my spirit will move on to somewhere else, but to where, that is still a mystry. I just hope that it's a easier and better life than that I had here and now...

All that I can say and feel is that i've been miserable just about my whole life, sure there were times that I felt good about my life, but it just seems so far and few inbetween. The main thing is that, I've been searching for that perfect person, the perfect love and it seems to keep alluding me.

I've been wondering if I should leave on my own accord, will have to repeat a life here? or will I be able to move on? or will I have to stay in a state that will be tormenting till the end of time.

I also wonder if so many more questions that I have will keep me up again tonight, the last time I faced a crisis, it took me at least 2-3 weeks to clear out my head and finally get a good nights rest. I just wished this would all go away. I know that the way some people choose will not work for me because I'll be able to remember everything while under the influence of either alcohol or narcotics. I should explain about the narcotics, what I mean is that I used to take medication for asthma and that stuff would get me high, the same goes for Actifed which was prescribed to me by a doctor.

Well, I'll end this entry for now and if I still have control of my thoughts and sanity, I'll write again tomorrow. Till then, Stay safe, stay well and stay sane.

Lost, but not forgotten...

Mood: not sure

The day started out pretty gloomy, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go anywhere... After putting in a neutral day at work, I was pretty wiped out, tired from dealing with everyone and didn't feel like doing anything...(seems like a theme going on here).

Well, something happened after I got home, it was something that I didn't want to happen and put me into a worse mood. I couldn't sleep, but I was really tired, so after about 0230, I made an attempt at getting some sleep with the hopes of getting up at about 0930, however that didn't last very long.

Lets just say, the ghosts of the past have come back to haunt me. Something that has already been bothering me and has now made it worse.

Well, I'll write more about my mood in my next entry.

Stay Safe, Stay Well...

Semper Fi!

Mood: happy

I fell asleep on my sofa last night, only to wake up at about 0400 with Samantha sleeping under my legs. I ended up stumbling into bed and fell asleep until 1030. Samantha ended up trying to wake me up. She tried to wake me up by jumping on the bed, running across and jumping off a couple of times. She then tried to wake me up by trying to crawl under the sheets, I finally let her crawl under and feel asleep for about an hour and woke up with her sitting on the shelves next to my bed.

I finally ended up tumbling out of bed and trying to wake up, checking email and watching some T.V., killing time until I had to meet up with my friend to get the title of the car transferred.

I was planning on leaving at about 1430 so that I could stop off at my bank and get some money out, but ended up taking too much time and leaving at about 1445, so I decided to head straight there and planned on taking out money at another ATM and just pay the fees. Well, on the way down there, the car over heated and by the time I got to the place to transfer the title, I had left a puddle of antifreeze in the parking lot.

Well, after the title was transferred, I headed over the H.Q. for roll call and made it there by about 1700. At the time, I wasn't planning on picking up a squad, but the inspector requested that I pick one up from the lot. After getting the squad and returning to H.Q., I got my assignment and headed over to my post.

It wasn't too bad, just a couple of lemming drivers but all in all it was a pretty good night. After the event, another inspector was planning on heading over to someplace to get some dinner, I suggested a new place close by, a new Greek/Mediterrainian/American place. We were also joined by a licensed Sergeant for dinner. The food there was pretty good, I had a lot of food and was pretty stuffed after finishing.

Well, that was my day, it was a pretty good one, so I'll end it here and write again tomorrow. Till next time, Stay safe, stay well.

Hump day...

Mood: a-ok

Well, at first I didn't feel like going out, I've been getting tired of these matches. I met the match that I was setup with, she seems pretty close to the kind of person that I've been looking for, but somehow I don't feel like she's the one. I guess I feel a little hesitant because she has a child and that she owns a home. I just don't know why I feel this way or seem to be able to find the right person.

After dinner I decided to head over to the store to try and find the new Hiroshima album and supposedly it was supposed to be released on the 26th, however none of the stores that I went to had it. At the last moment, I decided to head over to Barnes and Nobles and it turns out that they had it there. I picked that up and a law enforcement magazine because it had a couple of interesting and related articles that I'm still reading.

Well, tomorrow, I go and get the car registered to me and work an event for Minneapolis. I hope that it goes well, until the next time, stay safe and stay well.

Something about getting old...

Mood: not sure

Another day of the samething at work, a grey and cold day, I did look forward to the ride home on the bus, I fell asleep and at one of the park and ride stops, the bus driver thought I got off at that particular stop, turns out, it wasn't my stop.

Anyway, after getting home, first thing I did, like I have been doing since Sunday, played Bejeweled 2. Well, yeah sure, I live such an exciting life, but then again...

I guess this is it for today, till next time, Stay safe and stay well...

Blue Monday

Mood: blue

Another grey and rainy day, today at work, I was pretty irritated all day, mostly because of the policy that is currently being "reinforced".

Anyway, not much for today, more next time, Stay well and stay safe.

Sunday, Sunday...

Mood: not sure

Well, another day of work and it wasn't so bad. It was after work that made for a better day, I stopped off at a major store (Yellow Sign, Blue letters), anyway, I went looking for some new earphone covers, which they didn't have. Anyway, I found a new game that I was playing online and decided to pick it up. The game is Bejeweled 2 Deluxe, I got pretty addicted to it, mostly for the music and the graphics are pretty good.

I also picked up a new DVD audio disc, as it turns out, I don't have a DTS decoder or at least, my current sound card doesn't have that feature built in, I may have to upgrade my soundcard to the latest version of the Soundblaster. Another alternative is to find a software DTS decoder. I guess it wasn't a total loss, I did get a Paul Oakenfold album, most of the tracks on the album were pretty good.

Well, that was it for today, till the next time, stay well and stay safe.

Stop the world, I wanna get off...

Mood: irritated

The day started off pretty nice, although last night some of the neighbors decided to have a get together with some friends. At 0200, they started to arrive, approximately 5 vehicles in all, they all get out, talking loudly, not giving a care about those who work the next day. Then one of the other neighbors return home and decided to use their P.A. system they installed in their vehicle at approximately 0230.

I was about ready to go over and grab the stupid sh** by the throat and tell him, look, you stupid dumbsh**, it's 0230 in the morning, some people are trying to sleep because they have to work on a Saturday and your out here acting like a f***ing a**hole at this hour. I was able to control myself and try to get back to sleep, I suppose the party people left sometime early in the morning before the sun rose.

After my alarm went off, I kept hitting the snooze bar cause I was so tired from last night, Samantha didn't help much with her jumping on the bed and standing on my chest, looking at me, trying to get me up. I finally rolled (really and truely rolled) out of bed and tried to wake up so that I could get ready for work.

Before going in, I really wanted to eat some shrimp from a Vietnamese restaurant I know of in downtown Minneapolis, so I went out of my way to stop off there before actually reaching work. I ended up getting 2 orders of butterfly shirmp with the orange sauce, fried potstickers and an order of Vietnamese summer rolls. For those of you not familiar with the difference, Vietnamese spring rolls are deep fried, like egg rolls and summer rolls are "raw", basically they are made to order and are very fresh and healthy.

Anyway after getting into work, it wasn't so bad, but the thing is they want to open a "ticket" for every single call that we take and also open a "ticket" for tickets that we open. I really was getting frustrated and irritated to the point I just felt like I wanted to pound on something. The thing is, we open a ticket to a group that supports whatever trouble we're reporting and they don't want to deal with it, but when it comes to access, they don't want to give it up, so why have the users call us to open a ticket and no one is able to support it in the first place.

I really don't understand why these people think this way, if they give us the access and we do the support, then they don't have to deal with it or worry about having to be responsible. However when something goes wrong, our department is the first to get blamed because they can't offer the support that it should get.

I'm about ready to open a ticket for every little thing that I or anyone else does... i.e. going to the restroom, going to lunch, talking to my co-workers, getting coffee... The supervisor states that our phone call statistics are poor, but the thing is we're wasting our time opening tickets for tickets for tickets. They have also stated that we don't open enough tickets, but we get so backed up on calls, so what are their true intentions?

Anyway, enough of that, I hope that my neigbor who asked me out to go dancing and drinking is planning on going tonight, I think I could use a distraction as such.

Well, till next time, stay well and stay safe.

The day that never was...

Mood: a-ok

Today I was considering on upgrading my motherboard and CPU so that I could install more hard drives for digital recording and video editing, but also I've considered the negative side of that. For one, I don't know if I can add more cards into my system, I believe that I already have my IRQ's max'd out.

The other downside is that to install a RAID controller, I would have to have more drives... either way, it's going to cost more money, my next priority for this computer is to get a new DVD +R/RW so that I can burn my music and videos to disks again. I've considered installing a removable drive option, but it'll only work for the hard drive and not the DVD drive.

I really should save money first, then when I have a back up of funds, consider upgrading my computer again. The other thing I was thinking of was getting a really good digital camera and really go into my hobby of photography, I've seen so many things that would have made great pictures, but didn't have a really good camera to take them with.

I suppose... I'll keep this entry short and write again tomorrow... till next time, stay safe, stay well.

A day in the life of...

Mood: a-ok

Today I got a sofa and 2 book shelves. It appears that Samantha, my cat, really likes the sofa. She's been all over it and has been sleeping on it since this evening. I do have to admit, it is a lot more comfortable than the bean bag that I've been using, not to mention a lot higher off the ground. Anyway, I think I mentioned that my former Aunt was moving and was about to just get rid of the sofa, which is in really good condition, so I asked if I could have it.

She was almost not able to get something to move it to my apartment until Sunday, but was able to get a trailer today and we were able to get it here this afternoon. Well, I spent about an hour setting it up so that it was just in the right spot... well, not an hour, but about 15 minutes. The rest of the day, I spent cleaning up the apartment and doing laundry.

After all that, I've been playing bejeweled 2 deluxe and been pretty hooked on it, I'm still debating on either getting it or just stick with the demo version which allows you to play for about an hour... After all that, now that I have my digital recording software re-installed, I've been making my own ringtones. There are a lot of them out there, but when it comes to having a particular ringtone, it doesn't seem to have it.

Oh, yeah, as for that box that I had forgotten at the house, there were some books that I had thought I had lost, but it turns out that they were in that last box, the only thing that I still can't find, is my book of recipes that I had collected from the restaurants that I've worked for. I had some really good recipes for sauces that I guess I'll just have to try to recreate from memory... oh well, what can you do?

I guess that's it for now, till next time kiddies...stay safe, stay well.

Welcome back kiddies...

Mood: not sure

Well, I know it's been almost a week since I last made an entry here, but there a perfectly good reason, I finally got 2 new hard drives for my computer and was having a difficult time after they were installed. I had purchased 2 - 200 gig hard drives to replace the my 2 old drives, one was a 40 gig hard drive that I had filled 32 gigs of data and the other was an 80 gig hard drive that was failing. The failing hard drive I had pulled the power plug so that I could save the drive and pull the data off of it later, however, that plan didn't work out.

Well, the first drive, after I got it installed, was the main problem, I attempted to ghost the drive so that I wouldn't have to re-install everything, well, at first I ran into a problem trying to mirror the drive and should've've ran check disk on it first before making an attempt to copy. Well, after I tried using the Western Digital software, I thought that everything was working without any problems, but then after I tried to access my email and some other programs, it became obvious that it didn't do what I had thought it was suppose to do.

Well, before I made the 5th attempt at copying the drive, I had tried to copy the contents of the 80 gig drive over to the new drive which I had partitioned into 2 drives, however after about 20 gigs, the drive stopped working and I couldn't get anything else off. At that point I was so frustrated that I ended up opening up the 80 gig drive.

Anyway, after that failed attempt, I tried to copy the 40 gig drive again after running check disk and was able to copy the entire contents over, however I ended up moving the partition and losing the rest of the data. So after about 0400 this morning, I was able to get all the data off of the 40 gig hard drive and get my computer running the way it used to (except faster) and started re-installing the other programs that were installed on the broken hard drive. Any other data and files that were on the other drive are lost, but no big deal cause any truly important data that I needed to save have already been backed up and I still have that data.

So the moral of this story is, make sure you back up the really truly data just in case of a drive failure.

Other than that excitement, there really wasn't much going on these past few days that I haven't been able to enter anything into my journal, last night, I did get invited out by a neighbor to go out dancing and drinking, she asked me last month but things got mixed up and we ended up not getting together. We did finally end up trading each others phone numbers so that we could get in touch with each other for this weekend.

My former Aunt (my uncle got divorced 2 years ago) called to let me know that I still had a box of things still at the house which she is selling, so I went over to pick it up. While I was there, she had a couch that was in a pretty good condition that I'll be getting from her as well as some book shelves. I could've have them brought over tomorrow sometime in the afternoon. It would be so much better than the bean bag that I have and I'm sure I'll find myself waking up on the couch after falling asleep watching T.V.

Now I just have to save up some money to get a bed that I was looking at, its a really nice one and I think when I went to go look at it at the furniture store, the sales person said that it was about $300 something. It would be a lot better than using the inflatable raised bed and not have to worry about keeping it inflated.

Well, I guess thats it for this entry, tune in again the next time and see what goes on in my life. Till then, stay well and stay safe.

It was a grey and dreary day...

Mood: not sure

Well, the meeting with the Inspector and the Chief went well, it was mostly about the captain and my complaints against her. It seems that there are other officers that are having a problem with her and the way she handles things. I do have to say that it was a very productive meeting.

After the meeting, I rushed over to my favorite computer parts store and picked up 2 - 200 gig drives, I thought I had asked for Maxtor drives but after getting to work, I found that the clerk had sold me 2 Western Digital 200 gig drives. No big deal and not a problem. The Western Digital drives have an 8 meg buffer, so it wasn't too bad, besides they were the same price.

After getting home, I'll be installing them, I just hope that there won't be a problem imaging my 40 gig drive to my new 200 gig drive. I'll find out after I attempt to install the drive and partition the primary 200 gig drive into an 80 gig and 120 gig partition. Wish me luck...

Till then, stay safe and stay well...

The lost or forgotten

Mood: not sure

Well, back to work. I got a call from the Inspector today asking me to come in and meet with the chief. I'm not sure what to think or what to expect. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I meet with them.

Very short entry today, stay safe, stay well...

Treating people like they were beneath themselves...

Mood: irritated

Well, today was a little more productive than yesterday, I finally decided to breakout of my self proclaimed isolation from the rest of the world and went out to pick up some lunch at McDo****s, it has been a while and I decided to treat myself (if you call that a treat... if you know what I mean) anyway, I was also out of my one and only vice, cigarettes.

Anyway, tonight we had a defensive tactics / handcuffing class for the department and I wasn't looking forward to going because I don't like the Captain who is almost always there. She treats everyone as if they were beneath her. Anyway, I ended up going to the training and of course, she was there, so I didn't say anything to her and just about smoked about half my pack while I was there waiting for the rest of the recruits and officers to show up.

Well, after about half an hour another officer showed up and while she was talking with him, she said out loud to that officer "I'm sure [my name] will move from the desk so that you can get your paperwork done". One of my major pet peeves is don't talk about me as if I'm not there, if you got something to say, say it or ask me, to my face. I got pretty upset at that point and picked up my book and threw it so it would slam onto the table.

Well, the captain, now acting like a wounded duck decided to "tell" the inspector (like a little kid) that I had made a fuss, well, the inspector called me out and talked with me outside and I told him, that she (the captain) can go f**k herself, I also told him that the reason that I haven't been around lately was mostly because of her and that what she was doing was creating a hostile environment which would be grounds for a harassment lawsuit.

I also told the inspector that I had mentioned it to my direct superior of my intentions and by his request not to. So at his request, I decided not to and wait. I also expressed my concerns about the Lt. and his lack of backbone to deal with the issues that I had brought up and re-informed him of the chain of command. However he still didn't want to deal with the issues. I had also brought up the issue with a officer that was under my command and what the Captain had told her, it seems that the inspector was more than willing to deal with the issues that I brought up than both my superiors.

Well, anyway, after the training class, I didn't stick around after, as soon as I could, I left and came home. Well, I guess that's it for now, I'll write more again tomorrow. Till then, stay safe and stay well.

Other Journals

Mood: not sure

I've been reading another person's journal titled "Pregnant & stressed out!". I'm concerned for that person and feel what she's feeling, no, not because I'm pregnant, I can't get pregnant because i'm a male. Carmen, who is the author of that journal, is going through some very difficult times, her "boyfriend" seems like a real jerk that doesn't deserve to have children and really doesn't really deserve Carmen.

Also, her mother seems to have some serious issues in her past that Carmen's mother decided to take the easy way out and drink her problems away and now doesn't care about her daughter and the child that Carmen is carrying within her. It makes me upset that there are people like that still. I hope that Carmen reads the response to one of her entries that I had left.

If it were me, I would have taken responsibility for my actions. I guess when children are involved, I really want the best that I can give to the best of my abilities. I guess I would have to say that I come from a divorced family but also I was also brought up to believe that family is the most important thing you have in life. The funny thing is, is that I'm also divorced, but that was back in 1990, I was only married for a little over a year. The thing is, I don't want to be like my father, a drug addict loser.

Well, anyway, on with my day... I got called by the dating agency to say that my dinner date had to cancel. That is the 3rd time that this has happened, it seems like those matches who had the potential of being someone that I would be interested in and may be a really good match, seem to not even get a chance to meet. I don't have any luck with women on my own and it seems to be the same with the dating agency.

So, with that said, since I didn't have to go out, I ended up cleaning up the bathroom and cooking sloppy joe's from scratch and adding more money to my checking account... YES... another boring day.

Well, till tomorrow, stay well and stay safe.