Is this what it is like?

Mood: down

I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.

I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?

I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.

I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...

Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.

To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.

Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...

I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...