California Dreamin...

Mood: a-ok

I've been living in Minnesota for about 10 years now, I moved here in April of 1995 and have been back to Hawaii once since then (by the way, I was born and raised in Hawaii with a couple of years in Colorado) and with every winter I get homesick. It used to be worse in the beginning when I first moved here.

I keep finding myself going to the Hawaii news site and reading up on whats going on there and see how things have changed. When I was there the last time, it seemed as though a lot has changed and a lot had stayed the same. I guess I got used to the fact that I never stayed in the same place for more than 9 - 12 months with the exception of when I went to high school up until the time I moved here.

At times I wonder if its just because that I live alone or because I am no longer part of the majority but a minority or because of something else that I'm not aware of. In Hawaii I was part of the Majority, to better explain what I mean, there are a lot of Japanese and people of Japanese ancestry. I believe that the Japanese population was at about 65 percent, the other Asian population made up the other 15 to 20 percent and then the rest were the Caucasians, African Americans, Hispanics and etc...

I do have friends here, but its not the same as having someone special in your life, someone that you can talk to, tell your deepest fears and secrets and to be affectionate to or to share your life with. There were a couple of times that I thought I had found the one, but it seemed that either they were not ready for the commitment or I may have pushed them away in some fashion, to which I'm the only one to be blamed.

For as long as I can remember, I've always kept my emotions bottled up inside. There are a couple of songs that I know of that mention a wall, one of them being obvious by Pink Floyd (actually they had a whole album about it), the other being by Sting, a song called fortress around my heart. Long before those songs, I knew that I had built a wall around my heart and emotions so that I wouldn't be hurt by anyone, but as mentioned before, there were a couple of times that I had broken down those walls to let them in and had gotten hurt very badly by that.

Since then, I've built my walls back up again, but not as high as they used to be. It seems that I can't put them up as high as they used to be.

On the up side of all this, I've been slowly making changes to my website, cleaning it up, streamlining the menus and having a more professional look to it, but then again, it's on a free host site so how much more professional can you get it with all those pop-ups. I would try to purchase a domain again, but because of the past history with my financial situation, it may not be up for very long. So I'll just keep it on the free site.

On another up side, I have been corresponding to 3 very lovely ladies from Russia. I know, it just maybe a money scheme, but so far, my feelings have been telling me that these women are on the level. I have come across a couple of women that were just a way of getting money, usually after about 4 or 5 letters they start asking for money. It was those women that somehow didn't feel right, so I tried to investigate it further and found out that I was right.

Well, I'll end this entry for today and will be back again tomorrow to add more again. It maybe to explain some of my earlier posts or maybe it maybe about something new... gotta keep checking back to see what or which it maybe.

What can't be said with words can be expressed through music

Mood: not sure

There are times when I can't express myself with words, I guess this is the results of not interacting with other people and just keeping to myself. However, I have found myself feeling a lot more comfortable alone and being able to interact virtually rather than in person.

Also I don't like to talk about myself or express my feelings. I guess that's why when growing up, I can identify with the Mythical Japanese Warrior, the kind of warrior that is born in the shadows, lives in the shadows and dies in the shadows, you might have guessed by now, it's who is commonly known as the Ninja or is known by another name, Shinobi. Normally I wouldn't give out all this information about myself, but I've found out recently, that writing has help relieve myself of the feelings that I've kept to myself for so very long.

I know that when people first meet me for the first time either think that I'm really quiet or unsocial able, but the truth is that I'm studying them to see what kind of person that they maybe. Now for those of you who are reading this, please don't hold it against me.

Now to explain my topic, I usually listen to a lot of music, most of the time, I listen very carefully to the lyrics and find the words and meaning to what I want to say and how I truly feel.

A really good friend and mentor once called me the Ice Man, which is why I chose the image of Sub Zero as my picture in my profile. The reason he called me that, he said, was because when ever something happened, where any other person would react in some way, I don't show any expression or reaction. I guess at times this could make a person uncomfortable or consider it unusal, but my explanation is this, once something happens, there is nothing you can do about it (unless someone develops time travel), the best thing to do is continue on and apoligize if need be or if no one has noticed, all the better.

This doesn't mean that it gives me an excuse to be dishonest, but even more so to be honest, you see I also believe in the ways of the Samurai, there is no honor in dishonesty and you only loose the respect of those who did, an honest person gains even greater respect for being honest as well as maintaining ones honor.

Where Fantasy and Reality meet...

Mood: a-ok

Today was a pretty good day, been in a pretty good mood at work lately. Not sure why, it just seems a bit more pleasant somehow... I still can't figure out why I woke up late, well, I know why, it seems that I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep, usually I wake up at approximately 0515 CST, get ready for work and leave to catch the bus at approximately 0630 CST on Mondays and Tuesdays.

I ended up having to drive into work this morning and got to work approximately 10 to 15 minutes late, I usually start at 0800 on Mondays and Tuesdays and work a 10 hour shift. On Fridays and Saturdays I start at 1230 CST and end at 2300.

Ok, now to write about my topic. While riding the bus yesterday, I started thinking (because while riding I do a lot of that) that we all have a fantasy side and a reality side, meaning we think of things that we'd like to do but never act on those thoughts because it doesn't fit the societies norms. We go about our day according to what society considers normal. For example, the person that is next to you either walking, sitting or driving could be thinking of hitting that person that either cut them off in traffic, cut in front of the line or whatever, but in reality they either just do nothing or may say something quiet enough that either the person cannot hear or just barely.

They maybe thinking of their "activities" from the night before or what they would like to do to that really good looking guy or girl if they were alone together, but keep those thoughts to themselves because the person that they are thinking of may not approve or may think of them as being "weird".

Well, I know I'm just leaving this as is, but I have to help take care of the squad cars tomorrow and make sure they go in for their monthly maintenance. So, I'll leave it at that...

All the worlds a stage...

Mood: a-ok

On my way to work today, as I was riding the bus, i've come to realize how true that saying is. I should explain what brings me to this conclusion of my own opinion, one of my hobbies is sociology, sociology, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

1 : the science of society , social institutions, and social relationships; specifically : the systematic study of the development, structure, interaction, and collective behavior of organized groups of human beings

2 : the scientific analysis of a social institution as a functioning whole and as it relates to the rest of society

Well anyway, some people appear to be friendly and genuinely interested in wanting to be your friend or get to know you and There are people that act friendly and act like they want to get to know you.
There are also people that appear to be unfriendly but prefer to keep to themselves and there are people who are just unfriendly. Anyway, while riding the bus I see the different kinds of people that get on the bus and while walking around. Most of the time its more of a feeling that I can't explain. I have been using my sixth sense more and more, it seems that while working for a local police department at a hospital, I have had to rely on my feelings. I'm not a judgemental person, but all of my feelings were confirmed while working there.

While at work today, things seemed a lot more pleasant even though it was pretty busy, not like it has been previously. At the end of my shift, I had approximately 47 tickets that I had opened for various incident, most, I believe, were for password resets. I suspect that it was much higher because I didn't open tickets for all calls I took.

After work, on my ride back home on the bus, I could feel some of the other passengers feelings, feelings of being tired and looking forward to being at home. There were some of the other passengers I could feel that were... well, lets just leave it at that.

My mothers birthday gift finally arrived which I was finally glad that it came. I'll end my journal here and try to make sure that I add more tomorrow. Here is the card she sent, what a sense of humor...

Deep thoughts, NOT by Jack Handy

Mood: not sure

Well, giving up smoking is much harder than most people would think, the cravings, the hunting for even just a little bit... I try to drink coffee, but it seems that I need something else, I don't know what that may be... I suppose deep down what I crave is a cigarette.

I've been trying to keep myself busy by either surfing the net or by watching TV, it helps for a while.

I was supposed to go into work for an overtime day, but due to my fuel situation of only having a quarter tank left and that it takes about a quarter tank to get to work from home, it would have been a one way trip... so instead I called in and informed them that I wouldn't be able to make it in that day, but I will be there on Monday. Why Monday, you may ask, it's because I have a bus pass, so all I have to do is get to the bus stop and catch the bus into work.

I ended up spending the whole day relaxing and trying to figure out how would I get just a couple extra dollars to use for gas... when I figure that out I'll let you know...

I would like to add, my thanks to Michael Robert Pintozzi for the offer, but I was waiting for an important piece of mail.

Smoking improves attitude...

Mood: irritated

Well, last night I smoked my last cigarette. I've decided that after 10 years of smoking, I'm going to try to tough it out. Now I just have to get past the 2 days that they say will be the difficult time.

It was my birthday yesterday, I didn't want to mention it to any of my co-workers, but was hoping that someone had already known what day it was. Not a chance. I was also hoping that someone would know without me having to say anything.

I suppose this is one of the side effects of quitting smoking, I've been a little more irritated, but then again, that might not be unusual.

Typical day, sort of...

Well tonight went well, not much happening at the hospital, only one admit. I was feeling somewhat depressed and also had a strange feeling all day. I still don't know what it was about. I just hope that it was for a good thing and not a bad thing. I guess I'm needed to work for a co-worker at the hospital because I got the phone call.

After starting at 1600 today, it started off to a slow start, but it seemed to pick up at around 1630. Maybe my emotions that I'm feeling is somehow effecting the patients there. I sure hope not. I was able to go home and get something to eat cause I wasn't able to while at work, missed the dinner hour cause of a late detox admit. This is the third time she's been here and this time, she claims she is going to get married in December. I feel sorry for the guy if she doesn't change. Although he looked as though as he drinks himself.

The night is going good so far, things have calmed down. The weather out side feels like fall. It seems like this month has been going by quickly...

What I planned and what actually happened...

Well, today (yesterday), I had set out to get drunk, the original plan was to drink vodka but instead I chose beer. I not sure, but I think the weather has been having a major effect on my mood. The weather today has been really grey and pretty much raining all day. It later turned cold so it may explain a lot.

Sandy and Robert have noticed that I have been losing weight. Although drinking beer tonight will more than likely put back on a couple of pounds that I had lost. For some reason again today I've been having this strange feeling. I don't know what it is but it's been making me feel uneasy. I can't seem to concentrate on anything and I've been feeling uneasy.

I'm deciding, or at least debating on getting a lottery ticket, the powerball jackpot is fairly high up there.

The Return of the Online Journal

Today is my first page of my personal journal. I've found that by writing what I feel helps me feel better.

I've been a little depressed lately, mostly from working 2 jobs, the other job is about 80 miles away in one direction, while this other job is only about 1 mile away. The 1st job is in Annandale, MN at a country club, working as a Sous Chef. The Manager is a pretty great guy and I really enjoy working for him. He lets me be a little more creative with the dishes that we serve there. The other job, even though it's close by, it's on a shift that goes from Midnight to 0600, it's a quiet shift so I can't complain too much. I just think that it's the being tired part that is making me feel depressed. I'll try and get some sleep tonight which should make a difference

Oops, No August...

As the title states...

RE-jected...

I got a letter from the Chief of Police today, denying me of a CCW Permit. It claims that I have insufficient reason to carry a handgun in public.

Work was a bit strange, lots of calls and of difficult ones, turns out that I didn't have to start till 0600 and actually started at 0400... I didn't mind since that I don't have much to do anyway.

The drive on the way home was very tiring and the traffic was heavy. kept trying to stay awake. The heat was a bit much, no cool breeze, only a hot wind blowing through the car.

On the bright side, my high capacity magazine rebuild kit arrived, but won't be able to pick it up until Saturday. I'll also have 2 more high capacity magazines on order.

Synopsis of everything up to this date...

Well another month is coming to a close and nothing entered into my daily journal, maybe I should just put a synopsis of the month instead...

Well, I've applied for my CCW permit and will find out, hopefully in August on the 6th or 7th. I already own a 12 gauge shotgun and a Glock 10 mm handgun. I guess the next logical step would be to sign up for classes and get a degree in Law Enforcement.

I'll find out about getting financial aid soon so that I can sign up for classes. I'll be going to a Law Enforcement handgun training course in September in Oregon. That should be a fun trip.

Well, I guess more later...

The June that never was...

Got lazy and didn't put anything for June, oh well... Check out July though.

Thunder Bunnies - GO!

I couldn't sleep until about 5:00 am, just as fate would have it, the Thunder Bunnies upstairs decided to have some fun... Now the reason that I have named them the Thunder Bunnies is 2 fold, the first is because when they walk, they walk pretty heavy and are always making noises, being dropping things on the floor or stumbling. They don't care about anyone living below them (me). The second is because they seem to have sex almost everyday.

So anyway, I lay down to sleep and I hear the squeaking of the bed and her moaning out loudly, at one point I think they're doing it doggie style because she gets louder as if facing or being up against the wall. Now it seems that his stamina is getting better because this time it lasted what seemed to be about half an hour. Oh, and I think his name is Patrick, or at least that's what it sounded like when she was calling out his (more like yelling it out) name.

I guess it can't be helped, they're young and I'm getting old... maybe I'll end up being the cranky old man that lives downstairs...lol

Well, today started out interesting, because the first thing I get there I have to rewrite a report that I opened for a shaking screen at one of the ticket offices, it seems that a "Field Engineer" didn't like the way I worded the additional comments. I wonder about these so called "FE"'s because it seems that they only do a half a** job when they do something. Then they think that their doing a good job. I think that I could do a better job then they could, when it comes to either replacing a part... the last tech had called the location and just settled for "oh it's ok now" and didn't bother to double check to make sure that it was ok... I understand that they have more to do now, but why not make sure it's fixed the first time around and not have to keep going back?

Oh well, enough dwelling on that, till next time...

Budgets, Movies and The Thunder Bunnies...

Well, yesterday I blew my budget for next week, made the mistake of going to the gun shop to look for accessories for my Glock and ended up buying a Shotgun, a Mossberg 590 12 gauge pump shotgun. Came with a pistol grip if I want to change from the full stock to just a pistol grip. I wished that it came with the heat shield instead, but I can pick that up for an additional $27.00 plus shipping. It's the same type of shot gun used by the Military and Law Enforcement use. I just hope that I can go fire off a couple of shells at the range soon.

I finally got to go see Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menance. The theater was THX equipped and was pretty good, now I can't wait to see Episode II and III.

The latest news about the people upstairs: I'm really begining to hate this guy's car, he has a car alarm and comes and goes at all hours turning off and on his car alarm, the bad part about it is that he parks right in front of my window... Not only that, but his girlfriend is a screamer... lately they've been quiet, but one morning I was woken up by her... I listened for about 3 minutes then went back to sleep.

Other than that, I'm ready for hunting season, so Bambi, Watch Out, I'll be looking for ya... and I'll need to get a fishing license soon because lately the fish have been biting.

With summer here I want to get out and go fishing and can't wait for hunting season... :)

Till next time...

Teeth, Japan and the Glock...

It was a nice day, but ended up storming in the late afternoon. My filling for one of my molars fell out, but have temporaryly filled it with orthodental wax.

It was a slow day this evening. Not much going on in the world of computers at Northwest Airlines, took care of some things that came over the teletype, mostly in Japan. Suprised them when I answered them back in Japanese... :)

Hopefully this coming week, I'll have the chance to get to the gun range to do some shooting.... Went twice the week before last so I didn't go this past week. Iching to try out my handgun with the new slip on grip that I got for it.

I guess that's it for now. More later...

In Need of Motivation..

Well, spent the day doing nothing, it's hard to keep a website up and only if your "inspired" can you still keep it up. I wanted to go to the gun range today to practice my aim and to try out the new slip on grip that I just put on, but the weather was bad and I had to pay my rent which was late...not a good thing... but I'm paid up for this month.

I was also supposed to wash laundry, but got caught up in a new game that I got, Fleet Commander from Jane's, it's just like Harpoon but better because you can micro manage the fleet and do missions all over the world.

I wanted to go see Star Wars yesterday, but found out that the tickets were sold out in advance, even the 3:45 AM show, yep thats right, 3:45 AM. I found out that the theater at the Mall of America ended up showing it 24 hours. I guess I can wait till next time.

Right now on Show Time, they're showing the new episodes of Spawn. Very dark but interesting.

Well, I guess till next time.

Glock fun

I went shooting yesterday to get out some frustrations, shot a 97% out of 50 rounds. Not bad... Installed a new stainless steel guide rod in the Glock which helped. I was using Blazer 200 grain rounds, which made for an interesting shooting.

On the 18th, was thinking of going to see Star Wars, but the only open show is at 3:15 and 3:45 AM at the Mall of America...I might go, should be interesting to go see a movie that early in the morning.

Well, I guess that's it for now, I'll try to keep up my journal. Check you all laters...

May 1999

Well, yesterday I passed my Basic Handgun Self-Defense Course and am now able to get a concealed carry license. It was an interesting course that dealt with Y2K, Self defense and survival. We also got to train shooting in the dark which was very interesting. Out of 18 rounds that I shot in the dark, I hit 17 and missed one...4 to the head...

Today was real slow at Sam Goody so they let me go home early. It was a beautiful day, but got caught up with a movie and didn't go out till late, walked to the store and back to pick up some stuffs...

I hope that tomorrow I'll have the time to go to the range before going into work at Sam Goody to pratice what I leared from Saturday. Well, I guess that's it for now... Will write more later... and maybe I'll get a picture of me and my gun on my site...

Place Holder

Well, nothing for this month and year... Been busy trying to survive...