Mood: not sure
Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...
This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
CHORUS
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be
CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Is this what it is like?
Mood: down
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Strange happenings...
Mood: not sure
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
No matter how far a jackass travels, it'll never return a horse...
I've pondered the meaning of the title of this journal entry after hearing it from a Japanese Animation movie called Ghost in the Shell 2, Innocence. In a way, it means that no matter what you do, it'll never change, the same goes for habits.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Friday, May 06, 2005
The Missing days...
Mood: don't ask
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
Monday, May 02, 2005
Should I, or Shouldn't I...
Mood: down
Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.
This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?
Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.
This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?
Sunday, May 01, 2005
On a downward slid
Mood: down
I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.
I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Who wants to live forever...
Mood: down
Last night, I didn't get much sleep, as I mentioned in my entry for yesterday. I finally fell asleep at about 0230 and ended up waking up at approximately 0730, after that I couldn't sleep again. It seems like the day was matching my mood, grey. I have a need to talk about my situation, but I just don't know who to turn to or to talk with. I don't want to share my deepest, darkest thoughts to just anyone, so if it seems like what I'm writing here is vague, that's why.
The other issues that are plaguing my thoughts is whether to, well, I won't mention it, sorry that I've piqued your curiosity. The main thing is having to face the shame, losing face and having to deal with what others are thinking about me because of this.
I went for a walk on my lunch break, hoping to kind of clear my mind and calm myself down a bit, but I can't seem to get rid or lessen the feelings and mood that I'm in right now. I would rather be at home right now, just staying in, with the shades drawn and just being there to think of this and how to try to deal with this issue. I have a feeling that by the time this all comes to an end, my mind will be in such a state and this depression will overtake me. I worry about this, mostly how would my possessions be dispersed and who will take care of Samantha.
All I can think about right now is going the easy route and not taking the harder route which will make me a better person in the end. I don't want to face the fear of the unknown or the loss of my sanity, I know that if it should go that route, I'll lose it completely that which I have been holding together with a tightly wound, very thing thread. I can, at times feel it give, but somehow have managed to keep it together until now...
If I should, I want to find the quick and the painless way. I know that there maybe some people that will miss me, but only for a little while, then I'll be forgotten, but I know that there will be those who will never forget and its to those people that I will apologize the most.
I just feel that my honor and families honor is at stake here and being the first born and the oldest, I have let them down. It's not a pride issue, it's a Japanese issue, I feel a tie to my Japanese ancestry, but then at times I am conflicted with my American heritage. I know that I was not born and raised in Japan, but born and raised in American as an American. I often feel a strong pull to my ancient heritage...
The one thing I do know that I can write here is that I know that I've been around in the past, at least 3 times prior to this life and in all of my past lives, I have been born of Japanese Ancestry. I know that my most recent past life, my life was cut short and that is why my spirit or soul decided to return so quickly. I know that after this life, my spirit will move on to somewhere else, but to where, that is still a mystry. I just hope that it's a easier and better life than that I had here and now...
All that I can say and feel is that i've been miserable just about my whole life, sure there were times that I felt good about my life, but it just seems so far and few inbetween. The main thing is that, I've been searching for that perfect person, the perfect love and it seems to keep alluding me.
I've been wondering if I should leave on my own accord, will have to repeat a life here? or will I be able to move on? or will I have to stay in a state that will be tormenting till the end of time.
I also wonder if so many more questions that I have will keep me up again tonight, the last time I faced a crisis, it took me at least 2-3 weeks to clear out my head and finally get a good nights rest. I just wished this would all go away. I know that the way some people choose will not work for me because I'll be able to remember everything while under the influence of either alcohol or narcotics. I should explain about the narcotics, what I mean is that I used to take medication for asthma and that stuff would get me high, the same goes for Actifed which was prescribed to me by a doctor.
Well, I'll end this entry for now and if I still have control of my thoughts and sanity, I'll write again tomorrow. Till then, Stay safe, stay well and stay sane.
Last night, I didn't get much sleep, as I mentioned in my entry for yesterday. I finally fell asleep at about 0230 and ended up waking up at approximately 0730, after that I couldn't sleep again. It seems like the day was matching my mood, grey. I have a need to talk about my situation, but I just don't know who to turn to or to talk with. I don't want to share my deepest, darkest thoughts to just anyone, so if it seems like what I'm writing here is vague, that's why.
The other issues that are plaguing my thoughts is whether to, well, I won't mention it, sorry that I've piqued your curiosity. The main thing is having to face the shame, losing face and having to deal with what others are thinking about me because of this.
I went for a walk on my lunch break, hoping to kind of clear my mind and calm myself down a bit, but I can't seem to get rid or lessen the feelings and mood that I'm in right now. I would rather be at home right now, just staying in, with the shades drawn and just being there to think of this and how to try to deal with this issue. I have a feeling that by the time this all comes to an end, my mind will be in such a state and this depression will overtake me. I worry about this, mostly how would my possessions be dispersed and who will take care of Samantha.
All I can think about right now is going the easy route and not taking the harder route which will make me a better person in the end. I don't want to face the fear of the unknown or the loss of my sanity, I know that if it should go that route, I'll lose it completely that which I have been holding together with a tightly wound, very thing thread. I can, at times feel it give, but somehow have managed to keep it together until now...
If I should, I want to find the quick and the painless way. I know that there maybe some people that will miss me, but only for a little while, then I'll be forgotten, but I know that there will be those who will never forget and its to those people that I will apologize the most.
I just feel that my honor and families honor is at stake here and being the first born and the oldest, I have let them down. It's not a pride issue, it's a Japanese issue, I feel a tie to my Japanese ancestry, but then at times I am conflicted with my American heritage. I know that I was not born and raised in Japan, but born and raised in American as an American. I often feel a strong pull to my ancient heritage...
The one thing I do know that I can write here is that I know that I've been around in the past, at least 3 times prior to this life and in all of my past lives, I have been born of Japanese Ancestry. I know that my most recent past life, my life was cut short and that is why my spirit or soul decided to return so quickly. I know that after this life, my spirit will move on to somewhere else, but to where, that is still a mystry. I just hope that it's a easier and better life than that I had here and now...
All that I can say and feel is that i've been miserable just about my whole life, sure there were times that I felt good about my life, but it just seems so far and few inbetween. The main thing is that, I've been searching for that perfect person, the perfect love and it seems to keep alluding me.
I've been wondering if I should leave on my own accord, will have to repeat a life here? or will I be able to move on? or will I have to stay in a state that will be tormenting till the end of time.
I also wonder if so many more questions that I have will keep me up again tonight, the last time I faced a crisis, it took me at least 2-3 weeks to clear out my head and finally get a good nights rest. I just wished this would all go away. I know that the way some people choose will not work for me because I'll be able to remember everything while under the influence of either alcohol or narcotics. I should explain about the narcotics, what I mean is that I used to take medication for asthma and that stuff would get me high, the same goes for Actifed which was prescribed to me by a doctor.
Well, I'll end this entry for now and if I still have control of my thoughts and sanity, I'll write again tomorrow. Till then, Stay safe, stay well and stay sane.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Lost, but not forgotten...
Mood: not sure
The day started out pretty gloomy, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go anywhere... After putting in a neutral day at work, I was pretty wiped out, tired from dealing with everyone and didn't feel like doing anything...(seems like a theme going on here).
Well, something happened after I got home, it was something that I didn't want to happen and put me into a worse mood. I couldn't sleep, but I was really tired, so after about 0230, I made an attempt at getting some sleep with the hopes of getting up at about 0930, however that didn't last very long.
Lets just say, the ghosts of the past have come back to haunt me. Something that has already been bothering me and has now made it worse.
Well, I'll write more about my mood in my next entry.
Stay Safe, Stay Well...
The day started out pretty gloomy, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go anywhere... After putting in a neutral day at work, I was pretty wiped out, tired from dealing with everyone and didn't feel like doing anything...(seems like a theme going on here).
Well, something happened after I got home, it was something that I didn't want to happen and put me into a worse mood. I couldn't sleep, but I was really tired, so after about 0230, I made an attempt at getting some sleep with the hopes of getting up at about 0930, however that didn't last very long.
Lets just say, the ghosts of the past have come back to haunt me. Something that has already been bothering me and has now made it worse.
Well, I'll write more about my mood in my next entry.
Stay Safe, Stay Well...
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Semper Fi!
Mood: happy
I fell asleep on my sofa last night, only to wake up at about 0400 with Samantha sleeping under my legs. I ended up stumbling into bed and fell asleep until 1030. Samantha ended up trying to wake me up. She tried to wake me up by jumping on the bed, running across and jumping off a couple of times. She then tried to wake me up by trying to crawl under the sheets, I finally let her crawl under and feel asleep for about an hour and woke up with her sitting on the shelves next to my bed.
I finally ended up tumbling out of bed and trying to wake up, checking email and watching some T.V., killing time until I had to meet up with my friend to get the title of the car transferred.
I was planning on leaving at about 1430 so that I could stop off at my bank and get some money out, but ended up taking too much time and leaving at about 1445, so I decided to head straight there and planned on taking out money at another ATM and just pay the fees. Well, on the way down there, the car over heated and by the time I got to the place to transfer the title, I had left a puddle of antifreeze in the parking lot.
Well, after the title was transferred, I headed over the H.Q. for roll call and made it there by about 1700. At the time, I wasn't planning on picking up a squad, but the inspector requested that I pick one up from the lot. After getting the squad and returning to H.Q., I got my assignment and headed over to my post.
It wasn't too bad, just a couple of lemming drivers but all in all it was a pretty good night. After the event, another inspector was planning on heading over to someplace to get some dinner, I suggested a new place close by, a new Greek/Mediterrainian/American place. We were also joined by a licensed Sergeant for dinner. The food there was pretty good, I had a lot of food and was pretty stuffed after finishing.
Well, that was my day, it was a pretty good one, so I'll end it here and write again tomorrow. Till next time, Stay safe, stay well.
I fell asleep on my sofa last night, only to wake up at about 0400 with Samantha sleeping under my legs. I ended up stumbling into bed and fell asleep until 1030. Samantha ended up trying to wake me up. She tried to wake me up by jumping on the bed, running across and jumping off a couple of times. She then tried to wake me up by trying to crawl under the sheets, I finally let her crawl under and feel asleep for about an hour and woke up with her sitting on the shelves next to my bed.
I finally ended up tumbling out of bed and trying to wake up, checking email and watching some T.V., killing time until I had to meet up with my friend to get the title of the car transferred.
I was planning on leaving at about 1430 so that I could stop off at my bank and get some money out, but ended up taking too much time and leaving at about 1445, so I decided to head straight there and planned on taking out money at another ATM and just pay the fees. Well, on the way down there, the car over heated and by the time I got to the place to transfer the title, I had left a puddle of antifreeze in the parking lot.
Well, after the title was transferred, I headed over the H.Q. for roll call and made it there by about 1700. At the time, I wasn't planning on picking up a squad, but the inspector requested that I pick one up from the lot. After getting the squad and returning to H.Q., I got my assignment and headed over to my post.
It wasn't too bad, just a couple of lemming drivers but all in all it was a pretty good night. After the event, another inspector was planning on heading over to someplace to get some dinner, I suggested a new place close by, a new Greek/Mediterrainian/American place. We were also joined by a licensed Sergeant for dinner. The food there was pretty good, I had a lot of food and was pretty stuffed after finishing.
Well, that was my day, it was a pretty good one, so I'll end it here and write again tomorrow. Till next time, Stay safe, stay well.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Hump day...
Mood: a-ok
Well, at first I didn't feel like going out, I've been getting tired of these matches. I met the match that I was setup with, she seems pretty close to the kind of person that I've been looking for, but somehow I don't feel like she's the one. I guess I feel a little hesitant because she has a child and that she owns a home. I just don't know why I feel this way or seem to be able to find the right person.
After dinner I decided to head over to the store to try and find the new Hiroshima album and supposedly it was supposed to be released on the 26th, however none of the stores that I went to had it. At the last moment, I decided to head over to Barnes and Nobles and it turns out that they had it there. I picked that up and a law enforcement magazine because it had a couple of interesting and related articles that I'm still reading.
Well, tomorrow, I go and get the car registered to me and work an event for Minneapolis. I hope that it goes well, until the next time, stay safe and stay well.
Well, at first I didn't feel like going out, I've been getting tired of these matches. I met the match that I was setup with, she seems pretty close to the kind of person that I've been looking for, but somehow I don't feel like she's the one. I guess I feel a little hesitant because she has a child and that she owns a home. I just don't know why I feel this way or seem to be able to find the right person.
After dinner I decided to head over to the store to try and find the new Hiroshima album and supposedly it was supposed to be released on the 26th, however none of the stores that I went to had it. At the last moment, I decided to head over to Barnes and Nobles and it turns out that they had it there. I picked that up and a law enforcement magazine because it had a couple of interesting and related articles that I'm still reading.
Well, tomorrow, I go and get the car registered to me and work an event for Minneapolis. I hope that it goes well, until the next time, stay safe and stay well.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Something about getting old...
Mood: not sure
Another day of the samething at work, a grey and cold day, I did look forward to the ride home on the bus, I fell asleep and at one of the park and ride stops, the bus driver thought I got off at that particular stop, turns out, it wasn't my stop.
Anyway, after getting home, first thing I did, like I have been doing since Sunday, played Bejeweled 2. Well, yeah sure, I live such an exciting life, but then again...
I guess this is it for today, till next time, Stay safe and stay well...
Another day of the samething at work, a grey and cold day, I did look forward to the ride home on the bus, I fell asleep and at one of the park and ride stops, the bus driver thought I got off at that particular stop, turns out, it wasn't my stop.
Anyway, after getting home, first thing I did, like I have been doing since Sunday, played Bejeweled 2. Well, yeah sure, I live such an exciting life, but then again...
I guess this is it for today, till next time, Stay safe and stay well...
Monday, April 25, 2005
Blue Monday
Mood: blue
Another grey and rainy day, today at work, I was pretty irritated all day, mostly because of the policy that is currently being "reinforced".
Anyway, not much for today, more next time, Stay well and stay safe.
Another grey and rainy day, today at work, I was pretty irritated all day, mostly because of the policy that is currently being "reinforced".
Anyway, not much for today, more next time, Stay well and stay safe.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Sunday, Sunday...
Mood: not sure
Well, another day of work and it wasn't so bad. It was after work that made for a better day, I stopped off at a major store (Yellow Sign, Blue letters), anyway, I went looking for some new earphone covers, which they didn't have. Anyway, I found a new game that I was playing online and decided to pick it up. The game is Bejeweled 2 Deluxe, I got pretty addicted to it, mostly for the music and the graphics are pretty good.
I also picked up a new DVD audio disc, as it turns out, I don't have a DTS decoder or at least, my current sound card doesn't have that feature built in, I may have to upgrade my soundcard to the latest version of the Soundblaster. Another alternative is to find a software DTS decoder. I guess it wasn't a total loss, I did get a Paul Oakenfold album, most of the tracks on the album were pretty good.
Well, that was it for today, till the next time, stay well and stay safe.
Well, another day of work and it wasn't so bad. It was after work that made for a better day, I stopped off at a major store (Yellow Sign, Blue letters), anyway, I went looking for some new earphone covers, which they didn't have. Anyway, I found a new game that I was playing online and decided to pick it up. The game is Bejeweled 2 Deluxe, I got pretty addicted to it, mostly for the music and the graphics are pretty good.
I also picked up a new DVD audio disc, as it turns out, I don't have a DTS decoder or at least, my current sound card doesn't have that feature built in, I may have to upgrade my soundcard to the latest version of the Soundblaster. Another alternative is to find a software DTS decoder. I guess it wasn't a total loss, I did get a Paul Oakenfold album, most of the tracks on the album were pretty good.
Well, that was it for today, till the next time, stay well and stay safe.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Stop the world, I wanna get off...
Mood: irritated
The day started off pretty nice, although last night some of the neighbors decided to have a get together with some friends. At 0200, they started to arrive, approximately 5 vehicles in all, they all get out, talking loudly, not giving a care about those who work the next day. Then one of the other neighbors return home and decided to use their P.A. system they installed in their vehicle at approximately 0230.
I was about ready to go over and grab the stupid sh** by the throat and tell him, look, you stupid dumbsh**, it's 0230 in the morning, some people are trying to sleep because they have to work on a Saturday and your out here acting like a f***ing a**hole at this hour. I was able to control myself and try to get back to sleep, I suppose the party people left sometime early in the morning before the sun rose.
After my alarm went off, I kept hitting the snooze bar cause I was so tired from last night, Samantha didn't help much with her jumping on the bed and standing on my chest, looking at me, trying to get me up. I finally rolled (really and truely rolled) out of bed and tried to wake up so that I could get ready for work.
Before going in, I really wanted to eat some shrimp from a Vietnamese restaurant I know of in downtown Minneapolis, so I went out of my way to stop off there before actually reaching work. I ended up getting 2 orders of butterfly shirmp with the orange sauce, fried potstickers and an order of Vietnamese summer rolls. For those of you not familiar with the difference, Vietnamese spring rolls are deep fried, like egg rolls and summer rolls are "raw", basically they are made to order and are very fresh and healthy.
Anyway after getting into work, it wasn't so bad, but the thing is they want to open a "ticket" for every single call that we take and also open a "ticket" for tickets that we open. I really was getting frustrated and irritated to the point I just felt like I wanted to pound on something. The thing is, we open a ticket to a group that supports whatever trouble we're reporting and they don't want to deal with it, but when it comes to access, they don't want to give it up, so why have the users call us to open a ticket and no one is able to support it in the first place.
I really don't understand why these people think this way, if they give us the access and we do the support, then they don't have to deal with it or worry about having to be responsible. However when something goes wrong, our department is the first to get blamed because they can't offer the support that it should get.
I'm about ready to open a ticket for every little thing that I or anyone else does... i.e. going to the restroom, going to lunch, talking to my co-workers, getting coffee... The supervisor states that our phone call statistics are poor, but the thing is we're wasting our time opening tickets for tickets for tickets. They have also stated that we don't open enough tickets, but we get so backed up on calls, so what are their true intentions?
Anyway, enough of that, I hope that my neigbor who asked me out to go dancing and drinking is planning on going tonight, I think I could use a distraction as such.
Well, till next time, stay well and stay safe.
The day started off pretty nice, although last night some of the neighbors decided to have a get together with some friends. At 0200, they started to arrive, approximately 5 vehicles in all, they all get out, talking loudly, not giving a care about those who work the next day. Then one of the other neighbors return home and decided to use their P.A. system they installed in their vehicle at approximately 0230.
I was about ready to go over and grab the stupid sh** by the throat and tell him, look, you stupid dumbsh**, it's 0230 in the morning, some people are trying to sleep because they have to work on a Saturday and your out here acting like a f***ing a**hole at this hour. I was able to control myself and try to get back to sleep, I suppose the party people left sometime early in the morning before the sun rose.
After my alarm went off, I kept hitting the snooze bar cause I was so tired from last night, Samantha didn't help much with her jumping on the bed and standing on my chest, looking at me, trying to get me up. I finally rolled (really and truely rolled) out of bed and tried to wake up so that I could get ready for work.
Before going in, I really wanted to eat some shrimp from a Vietnamese restaurant I know of in downtown Minneapolis, so I went out of my way to stop off there before actually reaching work. I ended up getting 2 orders of butterfly shirmp with the orange sauce, fried potstickers and an order of Vietnamese summer rolls. For those of you not familiar with the difference, Vietnamese spring rolls are deep fried, like egg rolls and summer rolls are "raw", basically they are made to order and are very fresh and healthy.
Anyway after getting into work, it wasn't so bad, but the thing is they want to open a "ticket" for every single call that we take and also open a "ticket" for tickets that we open. I really was getting frustrated and irritated to the point I just felt like I wanted to pound on something. The thing is, we open a ticket to a group that supports whatever trouble we're reporting and they don't want to deal with it, but when it comes to access, they don't want to give it up, so why have the users call us to open a ticket and no one is able to support it in the first place.
I really don't understand why these people think this way, if they give us the access and we do the support, then they don't have to deal with it or worry about having to be responsible. However when something goes wrong, our department is the first to get blamed because they can't offer the support that it should get.
I'm about ready to open a ticket for every little thing that I or anyone else does... i.e. going to the restroom, going to lunch, talking to my co-workers, getting coffee... The supervisor states that our phone call statistics are poor, but the thing is we're wasting our time opening tickets for tickets for tickets. They have also stated that we don't open enough tickets, but we get so backed up on calls, so what are their true intentions?
Anyway, enough of that, I hope that my neigbor who asked me out to go dancing and drinking is planning on going tonight, I think I could use a distraction as such.
Well, till next time, stay well and stay safe.
Friday, April 22, 2005
The day that never was...
Mood: a-ok
Today I was considering on upgrading my motherboard and CPU so that I could install more hard drives for digital recording and video editing, but also I've considered the negative side of that. For one, I don't know if I can add more cards into my system, I believe that I already have my IRQ's max'd out.
The other downside is that to install a RAID controller, I would have to have more drives... either way, it's going to cost more money, my next priority for this computer is to get a new DVD +R/RW so that I can burn my music and videos to disks again. I've considered installing a removable drive option, but it'll only work for the hard drive and not the DVD drive.
I really should save money first, then when I have a back up of funds, consider upgrading my computer again. The other thing I was thinking of was getting a really good digital camera and really go into my hobby of photography, I've seen so many things that would have made great pictures, but didn't have a really good camera to take them with.
I suppose... I'll keep this entry short and write again tomorrow... till next time, stay safe, stay well.
Today I was considering on upgrading my motherboard and CPU so that I could install more hard drives for digital recording and video editing, but also I've considered the negative side of that. For one, I don't know if I can add more cards into my system, I believe that I already have my IRQ's max'd out.
The other downside is that to install a RAID controller, I would have to have more drives... either way, it's going to cost more money, my next priority for this computer is to get a new DVD +R/RW so that I can burn my music and videos to disks again. I've considered installing a removable drive option, but it'll only work for the hard drive and not the DVD drive.
I really should save money first, then when I have a back up of funds, consider upgrading my computer again. The other thing I was thinking of was getting a really good digital camera and really go into my hobby of photography, I've seen so many things that would have made great pictures, but didn't have a really good camera to take them with.
I suppose... I'll keep this entry short and write again tomorrow... till next time, stay safe, stay well.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
A day in the life of...
Mood: a-ok
Today I got a sofa and 2 book shelves. It appears that Samantha, my cat, really likes the sofa. She's been all over it and has been sleeping on it since this evening. I do have to admit, it is a lot more comfortable than the bean bag that I've been using, not to mention a lot higher off the ground. Anyway, I think I mentioned that my former Aunt was moving and was about to just get rid of the sofa, which is in really good condition, so I asked if I could have it.
She was almost not able to get something to move it to my apartment until Sunday, but was able to get a trailer today and we were able to get it here this afternoon. Well, I spent about an hour setting it up so that it was just in the right spot... well, not an hour, but about 15 minutes. The rest of the day, I spent cleaning up the apartment and doing laundry.
After all that, I've been playing bejeweled 2 deluxe and been pretty hooked on it, I'm still debating on either getting it or just stick with the demo version which allows you to play for about an hour... After all that, now that I have my digital recording software re-installed, I've been making my own ringtones. There are a lot of them out there, but when it comes to having a particular ringtone, it doesn't seem to have it.
Oh, yeah, as for that box that I had forgotten at the house, there were some books that I had thought I had lost, but it turns out that they were in that last box, the only thing that I still can't find, is my book of recipes that I had collected from the restaurants that I've worked for. I had some really good recipes for sauces that I guess I'll just have to try to recreate from memory... oh well, what can you do?
I guess that's it for now, till next time kiddies...stay safe, stay well.
Today I got a sofa and 2 book shelves. It appears that Samantha, my cat, really likes the sofa. She's been all over it and has been sleeping on it since this evening. I do have to admit, it is a lot more comfortable than the bean bag that I've been using, not to mention a lot higher off the ground. Anyway, I think I mentioned that my former Aunt was moving and was about to just get rid of the sofa, which is in really good condition, so I asked if I could have it.
She was almost not able to get something to move it to my apartment until Sunday, but was able to get a trailer today and we were able to get it here this afternoon. Well, I spent about an hour setting it up so that it was just in the right spot... well, not an hour, but about 15 minutes. The rest of the day, I spent cleaning up the apartment and doing laundry.
After all that, I've been playing bejeweled 2 deluxe and been pretty hooked on it, I'm still debating on either getting it or just stick with the demo version which allows you to play for about an hour... After all that, now that I have my digital recording software re-installed, I've been making my own ringtones. There are a lot of them out there, but when it comes to having a particular ringtone, it doesn't seem to have it.
Oh, yeah, as for that box that I had forgotten at the house, there were some books that I had thought I had lost, but it turns out that they were in that last box, the only thing that I still can't find, is my book of recipes that I had collected from the restaurants that I've worked for. I had some really good recipes for sauces that I guess I'll just have to try to recreate from memory... oh well, what can you do?
I guess that's it for now, till next time kiddies...stay safe, stay well.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Welcome back kiddies...
Mood: not sure
Well, I know it's been almost a week since I last made an entry here, but there a perfectly good reason, I finally got 2 new hard drives for my computer and was having a difficult time after they were installed. I had purchased 2 - 200 gig hard drives to replace the my 2 old drives, one was a 40 gig hard drive that I had filled 32 gigs of data and the other was an 80 gig hard drive that was failing. The failing hard drive I had pulled the power plug so that I could save the drive and pull the data off of it later, however, that plan didn't work out.
Well, the first drive, after I got it installed, was the main problem, I attempted to ghost the drive so that I wouldn't have to re-install everything, well, at first I ran into a problem trying to mirror the drive and should've've ran check disk on it first before making an attempt to copy. Well, after I tried using the Western Digital software, I thought that everything was working without any problems, but then after I tried to access my email and some other programs, it became obvious that it didn't do what I had thought it was suppose to do.
Well, before I made the 5th attempt at copying the drive, I had tried to copy the contents of the 80 gig drive over to the new drive which I had partitioned into 2 drives, however after about 20 gigs, the drive stopped working and I couldn't get anything else off. At that point I was so frustrated that I ended up opening up the 80 gig drive.
Anyway, after that failed attempt, I tried to copy the 40 gig drive again after running check disk and was able to copy the entire contents over, however I ended up moving the partition and losing the rest of the data. So after about 0400 this morning, I was able to get all the data off of the 40 gig hard drive and get my computer running the way it used to (except faster) and started re-installing the other programs that were installed on the broken hard drive. Any other data and files that were on the other drive are lost, but no big deal cause any truly important data that I needed to save have already been backed up and I still have that data.
So the moral of this story is, make sure you back up the really truly data just in case of a drive failure.
Other than that excitement, there really wasn't much going on these past few days that I haven't been able to enter anything into my journal, last night, I did get invited out by a neighbor to go out dancing and drinking, she asked me last month but things got mixed up and we ended up not getting together. We did finally end up trading each others phone numbers so that we could get in touch with each other for this weekend.
My former Aunt (my uncle got divorced 2 years ago) called to let me know that I still had a box of things still at the house which she is selling, so I went over to pick it up. While I was there, she had a couch that was in a pretty good condition that I'll be getting from her as well as some book shelves. I could've have them brought over tomorrow sometime in the afternoon. It would be so much better than the bean bag that I have and I'm sure I'll find myself waking up on the couch after falling asleep watching T.V.
Now I just have to save up some money to get a bed that I was looking at, its a really nice one and I think when I went to go look at it at the furniture store, the sales person said that it was about $300 something. It would be a lot better than using the inflatable raised bed and not have to worry about keeping it inflated.
Well, I guess thats it for this entry, tune in again the next time and see what goes on in my life. Till then, stay well and stay safe.
Well, I know it's been almost a week since I last made an entry here, but there a perfectly good reason, I finally got 2 new hard drives for my computer and was having a difficult time after they were installed. I had purchased 2 - 200 gig hard drives to replace the my 2 old drives, one was a 40 gig hard drive that I had filled 32 gigs of data and the other was an 80 gig hard drive that was failing. The failing hard drive I had pulled the power plug so that I could save the drive and pull the data off of it later, however, that plan didn't work out.
Well, the first drive, after I got it installed, was the main problem, I attempted to ghost the drive so that I wouldn't have to re-install everything, well, at first I ran into a problem trying to mirror the drive and should've've ran check disk on it first before making an attempt to copy. Well, after I tried using the Western Digital software, I thought that everything was working without any problems, but then after I tried to access my email and some other programs, it became obvious that it didn't do what I had thought it was suppose to do.
Well, before I made the 5th attempt at copying the drive, I had tried to copy the contents of the 80 gig drive over to the new drive which I had partitioned into 2 drives, however after about 20 gigs, the drive stopped working and I couldn't get anything else off. At that point I was so frustrated that I ended up opening up the 80 gig drive.
Anyway, after that failed attempt, I tried to copy the 40 gig drive again after running check disk and was able to copy the entire contents over, however I ended up moving the partition and losing the rest of the data. So after about 0400 this morning, I was able to get all the data off of the 40 gig hard drive and get my computer running the way it used to (except faster) and started re-installing the other programs that were installed on the broken hard drive. Any other data and files that were on the other drive are lost, but no big deal cause any truly important data that I needed to save have already been backed up and I still have that data.
So the moral of this story is, make sure you back up the really truly data just in case of a drive failure.
Other than that excitement, there really wasn't much going on these past few days that I haven't been able to enter anything into my journal, last night, I did get invited out by a neighbor to go out dancing and drinking, she asked me last month but things got mixed up and we ended up not getting together. We did finally end up trading each others phone numbers so that we could get in touch with each other for this weekend.
My former Aunt (my uncle got divorced 2 years ago) called to let me know that I still had a box of things still at the house which she is selling, so I went over to pick it up. While I was there, she had a couch that was in a pretty good condition that I'll be getting from her as well as some book shelves. I could've have them brought over tomorrow sometime in the afternoon. It would be so much better than the bean bag that I have and I'm sure I'll find myself waking up on the couch after falling asleep watching T.V.
Now I just have to save up some money to get a bed that I was looking at, its a really nice one and I think when I went to go look at it at the furniture store, the sales person said that it was about $300 something. It would be a lot better than using the inflatable raised bed and not have to worry about keeping it inflated.
Well, I guess thats it for this entry, tune in again the next time and see what goes on in my life. Till then, stay well and stay safe.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
It was a grey and dreary day...
Mood: not sure
Well, the meeting with the Inspector and the Chief went well, it was mostly about the captain and my complaints against her. It seems that there are other officers that are having a problem with her and the way she handles things. I do have to say that it was a very productive meeting.
After the meeting, I rushed over to my favorite computer parts store and picked up 2 - 200 gig drives, I thought I had asked for Maxtor drives but after getting to work, I found that the clerk had sold me 2 Western Digital 200 gig drives. No big deal and not a problem. The Western Digital drives have an 8 meg buffer, so it wasn't too bad, besides they were the same price.
After getting home, I'll be installing them, I just hope that there won't be a problem imaging my 40 gig drive to my new 200 gig drive. I'll find out after I attempt to install the drive and partition the primary 200 gig drive into an 80 gig and 120 gig partition. Wish me luck...
Till then, stay safe and stay well...
Well, the meeting with the Inspector and the Chief went well, it was mostly about the captain and my complaints against her. It seems that there are other officers that are having a problem with her and the way she handles things. I do have to say that it was a very productive meeting.
After the meeting, I rushed over to my favorite computer parts store and picked up 2 - 200 gig drives, I thought I had asked for Maxtor drives but after getting to work, I found that the clerk had sold me 2 Western Digital 200 gig drives. No big deal and not a problem. The Western Digital drives have an 8 meg buffer, so it wasn't too bad, besides they were the same price.
After getting home, I'll be installing them, I just hope that there won't be a problem imaging my 40 gig drive to my new 200 gig drive. I'll find out after I attempt to install the drive and partition the primary 200 gig drive into an 80 gig and 120 gig partition. Wish me luck...
Till then, stay safe and stay well...
Friday, April 15, 2005
The lost or forgotten
Mood: not sure
Well, back to work. I got a call from the Inspector today asking me to come in and meet with the chief. I'm not sure what to think or what to expect. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I meet with them.
Very short entry today, stay safe, stay well...
Well, back to work. I got a call from the Inspector today asking me to come in and meet with the chief. I'm not sure what to think or what to expect. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I meet with them.
Very short entry today, stay safe, stay well...
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