Mood: not sure
Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering
(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart
You pay the grocer
Fix the toasted
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl'
Scream the lullaby
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart
And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
(repeat and fade)
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Imagine (John Lennon)
Mood: a-ok
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins)
Mood: not sure
- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood
I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.
- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh
In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.
- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear
Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.
- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home
There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.
- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh
Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.
- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood
I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.
- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh
In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.
- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear
Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.
- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home
There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.
- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh
Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
California Dreamin' (Mamas And The Papas)
Now that the weather is getting all "Wintery" (a term commonly used here in Minnesota), I've been thinking of places that are of a warmer climate. It doesn't seem like 10 years living here in Minnesota, but it has, been through 10 years of winters, 10 years of summers, etc... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the different seasons, but I guess being used to having summer all year round (kind of), it makes the winters a little rough.
- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- I'd be safe and warm
- I'd be safe and warm
- If I was in L.A.
- If I was in L.A.
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
I guess lately with all the issues going on in my life, I've been contemplating seeking spiritual enlightenment. Thought of going to church to see if there might be something that may offer some kind of soul calming or relief. I guess, I've been searching for answers to questions that the answers seem to elude me. I've never thought of myself as a spiritual sort of person. It seems that in these times of uncertainty it maybe a needed thing.
- Stopped into a church
- I passed along the way
- Well, I got down on my knees
- Got down on my knees
- And I began to pray
- I began to pray
- You know the preacher lights the coal
- Preacher lights the coal
- He knows I'm gonna stay
- Knows I'm gonna stay
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
Well, I guess theres not much more to this, there maybe changes coming sooner than I had expected, however its a wait and see kind of situation. I'll hold back in giving out that information until that time comes, however like my life, that may never come. Like I mentioned before, I hate being uncertain about aspects and events that deal with my life. I want to be in control but a whole lot of times it difficult to stay in control. If control isn't kept, then it can spin out of control way too fast.
- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- If I didn't tell her
- If I didn't tell her
- I could leave today
- I could leave today
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
Monday, November 21, 2005
Happy F$#@ing Holi- F$#@ing days
Mood: irritated
Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.
At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.
I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.
That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.
I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.
Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.
At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.
I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.
That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.
I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Veteran of The Psychic Wars (Blue Oyster Cult)
Mood: blue
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me
Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.
- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free
I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me
Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.
- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free
I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Ordinary World (by Duran Duran)
Mood: blue
- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...
I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...
I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
- (Just blown away...)
- And I don't... (chorus)
What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.
- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...
Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.
In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.
Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.
I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.
- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...
I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...
I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
- (Just blown away...)
- And I don't... (chorus)
What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.
- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...
Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.
In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.
Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.
I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Come Undone (Duran Duran)
Mood: don't ask
At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.
- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.
- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.
Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.
- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.
- (chorus)
- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.
- (chorus)
- Fade...
What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.
I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.
So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.
At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.
- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.
- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.
Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.
- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.
- (chorus)
- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.
- (chorus)
- Fade...
What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.
I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.
So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Flying Monkey Butt
Mood: not sure
A new term, it may already be out there, but this is something that I came up with while sitting around with no information to look up, inbetween what needs to be done. "Flying Monkey Butt". A new word/term from the time in High school, "Chik-Boom". If anyone that I went to high school with would know what this means. If you need an explanation, email me and let me know, I'll try my best to put it without being too descriptive, unless requested.
This morning, like the past 3 work day mornings, I didn't want to go to work. I've waited till just about the last minute to leave. Anyway, this morning, I left a bit too late and missed my bus. After checking to see what time the next bus left, which would have made me really late, I decided to drive in to work instead. I guess because I was closer to downtown, it didn't take me that long to get into work and ended up being about an half hour early for work instead the the previous days, which I've either arrived just on time or 5 minutes late...
I don't know if it's been the weather, the cloudy days of recent or what, but I've been having a strong urge to just get up and leave. I guess, if I should just loose it completely, that just maybe the case. Just getting up, getting into the vehicle and just driving away, leaving everything behind. Then again, I would also need to take Samantha with me. The other issue would be dropping off the keys at the rental office and letting them know that anything left behind is there for anyone to have...
I guess the reason I've been feeling the way I do, is mostly caused by what I've seen out there in society. It seems that I've only been seeing the negative side of society and very little of the good side. At times it feels like no matter what I've done or whom I've helped, I just don't make a difference, mostly because those who I've tried to help, end up either going back or do the samething all over again. There are many others in the field that I am in who have said that it can eat you up and over whelm you if you don't seperate your private life with your work life.
At times it feels like I can feel the pain and suffering of the world, at times I just want it to stop, but I know that it'll always be there and at times it seems like that it's all that I'll ever have. Maybe it's loneliness talking now, maybe it's something else, I just need to try and figure out what it is and a way to either get rid of it or control it...
A new term, it may already be out there, but this is something that I came up with while sitting around with no information to look up, inbetween what needs to be done. "Flying Monkey Butt". A new word/term from the time in High school, "Chik-Boom". If anyone that I went to high school with would know what this means. If you need an explanation, email me and let me know, I'll try my best to put it without being too descriptive, unless requested.
This morning, like the past 3 work day mornings, I didn't want to go to work. I've waited till just about the last minute to leave. Anyway, this morning, I left a bit too late and missed my bus. After checking to see what time the next bus left, which would have made me really late, I decided to drive in to work instead. I guess because I was closer to downtown, it didn't take me that long to get into work and ended up being about an half hour early for work instead the the previous days, which I've either arrived just on time or 5 minutes late...
I don't know if it's been the weather, the cloudy days of recent or what, but I've been having a strong urge to just get up and leave. I guess, if I should just loose it completely, that just maybe the case. Just getting up, getting into the vehicle and just driving away, leaving everything behind. Then again, I would also need to take Samantha with me. The other issue would be dropping off the keys at the rental office and letting them know that anything left behind is there for anyone to have...
I guess the reason I've been feeling the way I do, is mostly caused by what I've seen out there in society. It seems that I've only been seeing the negative side of society and very little of the good side. At times it feels like no matter what I've done or whom I've helped, I just don't make a difference, mostly because those who I've tried to help, end up either going back or do the samething all over again. There are many others in the field that I am in who have said that it can eat you up and over whelm you if you don't seperate your private life with your work life.
At times it feels like I can feel the pain and suffering of the world, at times I just want it to stop, but I know that it'll always be there and at times it seems like that it's all that I'll ever have. Maybe it's loneliness talking now, maybe it's something else, I just need to try and figure out what it is and a way to either get rid of it or control it...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Idiots, Dummys, JackaXXs, Morons, etc...
Mood: don't ask
When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!
I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.
I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.
The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.
While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.
I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.
That's it for now.
When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!
I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.
I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.
The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.
While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.
I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.
That's it for now.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
What Dreams May Come
Mood: not sure
Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.
This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.
As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.
Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?
Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream
Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.
I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.
Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...
Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.
This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.
As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.
Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?
Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream
Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.
I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.
Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
If it wasn't for...
Mood: down
I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...
My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.
The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.
I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.
Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.
I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...
My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.
The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.
I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.
Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Hello, it's been a while
Mood: not sure
Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.
As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.
Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.
The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.
Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.
As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.
Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.
The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Deacon Blues
Mood: not sure
Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...
This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
CHORUS
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be
CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)
Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...
This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
CHORUS
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be
CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Is this what it is like?
Mood: down
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Strange happenings...
Mood: not sure
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
No matter how far a jackass travels, it'll never return a horse...
I've pondered the meaning of the title of this journal entry after hearing it from a Japanese Animation movie called Ghost in the Shell 2, Innocence. In a way, it means that no matter what you do, it'll never change, the same goes for habits.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Friday, May 06, 2005
The Missing days...
Mood: don't ask
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
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