Mood: not sure
A new term, it may already be out there, but this is something that I came up with while sitting around with no information to look up, inbetween what needs to be done. "Flying Monkey Butt". A new word/term from the time in High school, "Chik-Boom". If anyone that I went to high school with would know what this means. If you need an explanation, email me and let me know, I'll try my best to put it without being too descriptive, unless requested.
This morning, like the past 3 work day mornings, I didn't want to go to work. I've waited till just about the last minute to leave. Anyway, this morning, I left a bit too late and missed my bus. After checking to see what time the next bus left, which would have made me really late, I decided to drive in to work instead. I guess because I was closer to downtown, it didn't take me that long to get into work and ended up being about an half hour early for work instead the the previous days, which I've either arrived just on time or 5 minutes late...
I don't know if it's been the weather, the cloudy days of recent or what, but I've been having a strong urge to just get up and leave. I guess, if I should just loose it completely, that just maybe the case. Just getting up, getting into the vehicle and just driving away, leaving everything behind. Then again, I would also need to take Samantha with me. The other issue would be dropping off the keys at the rental office and letting them know that anything left behind is there for anyone to have...
I guess the reason I've been feeling the way I do, is mostly caused by what I've seen out there in society. It seems that I've only been seeing the negative side of society and very little of the good side. At times it feels like no matter what I've done or whom I've helped, I just don't make a difference, mostly because those who I've tried to help, end up either going back or do the samething all over again. There are many others in the field that I am in who have said that it can eat you up and over whelm you if you don't seperate your private life with your work life.
At times it feels like I can feel the pain and suffering of the world, at times I just want it to stop, but I know that it'll always be there and at times it seems like that it's all that I'll ever have. Maybe it's loneliness talking now, maybe it's something else, I just need to try and figure out what it is and a way to either get rid of it or control it...
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Idiots, Dummys, JackaXXs, Morons, etc...
Mood: don't ask
When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!
I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.
I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.
The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.
While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.
I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.
That's it for now.
When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!
I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.
I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.
The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.
While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.
I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.
That's it for now.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
What Dreams May Come
Mood: not sure
Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.
This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.
As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.
Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?
Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream
Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.
I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.
Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...
Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.
This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.
As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.
Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?
Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream
Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.
I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.
Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
If it wasn't for...
Mood: down
I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...
My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.
The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.
I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.
Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.
I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...
My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.
The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.
I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.
Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Hello, it's been a while
Mood: not sure
Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.
As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.
Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.
The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.
Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.
As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.
Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.
The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Deacon Blues
Mood: not sure
Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...
This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
CHORUS
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be
CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)
Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...
This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
CHORUS
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be
CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Is this what it is like?
Mood: down
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Strange happenings...
Mood: not sure
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
No matter how far a jackass travels, it'll never return a horse...
I've pondered the meaning of the title of this journal entry after hearing it from a Japanese Animation movie called Ghost in the Shell 2, Innocence. In a way, it means that no matter what you do, it'll never change, the same goes for habits.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Friday, May 06, 2005
The Missing days...
Mood: don't ask
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
Monday, May 02, 2005
Should I, or Shouldn't I...
Mood: down
Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.
This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?
Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.
This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?
Sunday, May 01, 2005
On a downward slid
Mood: down
I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.
I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Who wants to live forever...
Mood: down
Last night, I didn't get much sleep, as I mentioned in my entry for yesterday. I finally fell asleep at about 0230 and ended up waking up at approximately 0730, after that I couldn't sleep again. It seems like the day was matching my mood, grey. I have a need to talk about my situation, but I just don't know who to turn to or to talk with. I don't want to share my deepest, darkest thoughts to just anyone, so if it seems like what I'm writing here is vague, that's why.
The other issues that are plaguing my thoughts is whether to, well, I won't mention it, sorry that I've piqued your curiosity. The main thing is having to face the shame, losing face and having to deal with what others are thinking about me because of this.
I went for a walk on my lunch break, hoping to kind of clear my mind and calm myself down a bit, but I can't seem to get rid or lessen the feelings and mood that I'm in right now. I would rather be at home right now, just staying in, with the shades drawn and just being there to think of this and how to try to deal with this issue. I have a feeling that by the time this all comes to an end, my mind will be in such a state and this depression will overtake me. I worry about this, mostly how would my possessions be dispersed and who will take care of Samantha.
All I can think about right now is going the easy route and not taking the harder route which will make me a better person in the end. I don't want to face the fear of the unknown or the loss of my sanity, I know that if it should go that route, I'll lose it completely that which I have been holding together with a tightly wound, very thing thread. I can, at times feel it give, but somehow have managed to keep it together until now...
If I should, I want to find the quick and the painless way. I know that there maybe some people that will miss me, but only for a little while, then I'll be forgotten, but I know that there will be those who will never forget and its to those people that I will apologize the most.
I just feel that my honor and families honor is at stake here and being the first born and the oldest, I have let them down. It's not a pride issue, it's a Japanese issue, I feel a tie to my Japanese ancestry, but then at times I am conflicted with my American heritage. I know that I was not born and raised in Japan, but born and raised in American as an American. I often feel a strong pull to my ancient heritage...
The one thing I do know that I can write here is that I know that I've been around in the past, at least 3 times prior to this life and in all of my past lives, I have been born of Japanese Ancestry. I know that my most recent past life, my life was cut short and that is why my spirit or soul decided to return so quickly. I know that after this life, my spirit will move on to somewhere else, but to where, that is still a mystry. I just hope that it's a easier and better life than that I had here and now...
All that I can say and feel is that i've been miserable just about my whole life, sure there were times that I felt good about my life, but it just seems so far and few inbetween. The main thing is that, I've been searching for that perfect person, the perfect love and it seems to keep alluding me.
I've been wondering if I should leave on my own accord, will have to repeat a life here? or will I be able to move on? or will I have to stay in a state that will be tormenting till the end of time.
I also wonder if so many more questions that I have will keep me up again tonight, the last time I faced a crisis, it took me at least 2-3 weeks to clear out my head and finally get a good nights rest. I just wished this would all go away. I know that the way some people choose will not work for me because I'll be able to remember everything while under the influence of either alcohol or narcotics. I should explain about the narcotics, what I mean is that I used to take medication for asthma and that stuff would get me high, the same goes for Actifed which was prescribed to me by a doctor.
Well, I'll end this entry for now and if I still have control of my thoughts and sanity, I'll write again tomorrow. Till then, Stay safe, stay well and stay sane.
Last night, I didn't get much sleep, as I mentioned in my entry for yesterday. I finally fell asleep at about 0230 and ended up waking up at approximately 0730, after that I couldn't sleep again. It seems like the day was matching my mood, grey. I have a need to talk about my situation, but I just don't know who to turn to or to talk with. I don't want to share my deepest, darkest thoughts to just anyone, so if it seems like what I'm writing here is vague, that's why.
The other issues that are plaguing my thoughts is whether to, well, I won't mention it, sorry that I've piqued your curiosity. The main thing is having to face the shame, losing face and having to deal with what others are thinking about me because of this.
I went for a walk on my lunch break, hoping to kind of clear my mind and calm myself down a bit, but I can't seem to get rid or lessen the feelings and mood that I'm in right now. I would rather be at home right now, just staying in, with the shades drawn and just being there to think of this and how to try to deal with this issue. I have a feeling that by the time this all comes to an end, my mind will be in such a state and this depression will overtake me. I worry about this, mostly how would my possessions be dispersed and who will take care of Samantha.
All I can think about right now is going the easy route and not taking the harder route which will make me a better person in the end. I don't want to face the fear of the unknown or the loss of my sanity, I know that if it should go that route, I'll lose it completely that which I have been holding together with a tightly wound, very thing thread. I can, at times feel it give, but somehow have managed to keep it together until now...
If I should, I want to find the quick and the painless way. I know that there maybe some people that will miss me, but only for a little while, then I'll be forgotten, but I know that there will be those who will never forget and its to those people that I will apologize the most.
I just feel that my honor and families honor is at stake here and being the first born and the oldest, I have let them down. It's not a pride issue, it's a Japanese issue, I feel a tie to my Japanese ancestry, but then at times I am conflicted with my American heritage. I know that I was not born and raised in Japan, but born and raised in American as an American. I often feel a strong pull to my ancient heritage...
The one thing I do know that I can write here is that I know that I've been around in the past, at least 3 times prior to this life and in all of my past lives, I have been born of Japanese Ancestry. I know that my most recent past life, my life was cut short and that is why my spirit or soul decided to return so quickly. I know that after this life, my spirit will move on to somewhere else, but to where, that is still a mystry. I just hope that it's a easier and better life than that I had here and now...
All that I can say and feel is that i've been miserable just about my whole life, sure there were times that I felt good about my life, but it just seems so far and few inbetween. The main thing is that, I've been searching for that perfect person, the perfect love and it seems to keep alluding me.
I've been wondering if I should leave on my own accord, will have to repeat a life here? or will I be able to move on? or will I have to stay in a state that will be tormenting till the end of time.
I also wonder if so many more questions that I have will keep me up again tonight, the last time I faced a crisis, it took me at least 2-3 weeks to clear out my head and finally get a good nights rest. I just wished this would all go away. I know that the way some people choose will not work for me because I'll be able to remember everything while under the influence of either alcohol or narcotics. I should explain about the narcotics, what I mean is that I used to take medication for asthma and that stuff would get me high, the same goes for Actifed which was prescribed to me by a doctor.
Well, I'll end this entry for now and if I still have control of my thoughts and sanity, I'll write again tomorrow. Till then, Stay safe, stay well and stay sane.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Lost, but not forgotten...
Mood: not sure
The day started out pretty gloomy, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go anywhere... After putting in a neutral day at work, I was pretty wiped out, tired from dealing with everyone and didn't feel like doing anything...(seems like a theme going on here).
Well, something happened after I got home, it was something that I didn't want to happen and put me into a worse mood. I couldn't sleep, but I was really tired, so after about 0230, I made an attempt at getting some sleep with the hopes of getting up at about 0930, however that didn't last very long.
Lets just say, the ghosts of the past have come back to haunt me. Something that has already been bothering me and has now made it worse.
Well, I'll write more about my mood in my next entry.
Stay Safe, Stay Well...
The day started out pretty gloomy, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go anywhere... After putting in a neutral day at work, I was pretty wiped out, tired from dealing with everyone and didn't feel like doing anything...(seems like a theme going on here).
Well, something happened after I got home, it was something that I didn't want to happen and put me into a worse mood. I couldn't sleep, but I was really tired, so after about 0230, I made an attempt at getting some sleep with the hopes of getting up at about 0930, however that didn't last very long.
Lets just say, the ghosts of the past have come back to haunt me. Something that has already been bothering me and has now made it worse.
Well, I'll write more about my mood in my next entry.
Stay Safe, Stay Well...
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Semper Fi!
Mood: happy
I fell asleep on my sofa last night, only to wake up at about 0400 with Samantha sleeping under my legs. I ended up stumbling into bed and fell asleep until 1030. Samantha ended up trying to wake me up. She tried to wake me up by jumping on the bed, running across and jumping off a couple of times. She then tried to wake me up by trying to crawl under the sheets, I finally let her crawl under and feel asleep for about an hour and woke up with her sitting on the shelves next to my bed.
I finally ended up tumbling out of bed and trying to wake up, checking email and watching some T.V., killing time until I had to meet up with my friend to get the title of the car transferred.
I was planning on leaving at about 1430 so that I could stop off at my bank and get some money out, but ended up taking too much time and leaving at about 1445, so I decided to head straight there and planned on taking out money at another ATM and just pay the fees. Well, on the way down there, the car over heated and by the time I got to the place to transfer the title, I had left a puddle of antifreeze in the parking lot.
Well, after the title was transferred, I headed over the H.Q. for roll call and made it there by about 1700. At the time, I wasn't planning on picking up a squad, but the inspector requested that I pick one up from the lot. After getting the squad and returning to H.Q., I got my assignment and headed over to my post.
It wasn't too bad, just a couple of lemming drivers but all in all it was a pretty good night. After the event, another inspector was planning on heading over to someplace to get some dinner, I suggested a new place close by, a new Greek/Mediterrainian/American place. We were also joined by a licensed Sergeant for dinner. The food there was pretty good, I had a lot of food and was pretty stuffed after finishing.
Well, that was my day, it was a pretty good one, so I'll end it here and write again tomorrow. Till next time, Stay safe, stay well.
I fell asleep on my sofa last night, only to wake up at about 0400 with Samantha sleeping under my legs. I ended up stumbling into bed and fell asleep until 1030. Samantha ended up trying to wake me up. She tried to wake me up by jumping on the bed, running across and jumping off a couple of times. She then tried to wake me up by trying to crawl under the sheets, I finally let her crawl under and feel asleep for about an hour and woke up with her sitting on the shelves next to my bed.
I finally ended up tumbling out of bed and trying to wake up, checking email and watching some T.V., killing time until I had to meet up with my friend to get the title of the car transferred.
I was planning on leaving at about 1430 so that I could stop off at my bank and get some money out, but ended up taking too much time and leaving at about 1445, so I decided to head straight there and planned on taking out money at another ATM and just pay the fees. Well, on the way down there, the car over heated and by the time I got to the place to transfer the title, I had left a puddle of antifreeze in the parking lot.
Well, after the title was transferred, I headed over the H.Q. for roll call and made it there by about 1700. At the time, I wasn't planning on picking up a squad, but the inspector requested that I pick one up from the lot. After getting the squad and returning to H.Q., I got my assignment and headed over to my post.
It wasn't too bad, just a couple of lemming drivers but all in all it was a pretty good night. After the event, another inspector was planning on heading over to someplace to get some dinner, I suggested a new place close by, a new Greek/Mediterrainian/American place. We were also joined by a licensed Sergeant for dinner. The food there was pretty good, I had a lot of food and was pretty stuffed after finishing.
Well, that was my day, it was a pretty good one, so I'll end it here and write again tomorrow. Till next time, Stay safe, stay well.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Hump day...
Mood: a-ok
Well, at first I didn't feel like going out, I've been getting tired of these matches. I met the match that I was setup with, she seems pretty close to the kind of person that I've been looking for, but somehow I don't feel like she's the one. I guess I feel a little hesitant because she has a child and that she owns a home. I just don't know why I feel this way or seem to be able to find the right person.
After dinner I decided to head over to the store to try and find the new Hiroshima album and supposedly it was supposed to be released on the 26th, however none of the stores that I went to had it. At the last moment, I decided to head over to Barnes and Nobles and it turns out that they had it there. I picked that up and a law enforcement magazine because it had a couple of interesting and related articles that I'm still reading.
Well, tomorrow, I go and get the car registered to me and work an event for Minneapolis. I hope that it goes well, until the next time, stay safe and stay well.
Well, at first I didn't feel like going out, I've been getting tired of these matches. I met the match that I was setup with, she seems pretty close to the kind of person that I've been looking for, but somehow I don't feel like she's the one. I guess I feel a little hesitant because she has a child and that she owns a home. I just don't know why I feel this way or seem to be able to find the right person.
After dinner I decided to head over to the store to try and find the new Hiroshima album and supposedly it was supposed to be released on the 26th, however none of the stores that I went to had it. At the last moment, I decided to head over to Barnes and Nobles and it turns out that they had it there. I picked that up and a law enforcement magazine because it had a couple of interesting and related articles that I'm still reading.
Well, tomorrow, I go and get the car registered to me and work an event for Minneapolis. I hope that it goes well, until the next time, stay safe and stay well.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Something about getting old...
Mood: not sure
Another day of the samething at work, a grey and cold day, I did look forward to the ride home on the bus, I fell asleep and at one of the park and ride stops, the bus driver thought I got off at that particular stop, turns out, it wasn't my stop.
Anyway, after getting home, first thing I did, like I have been doing since Sunday, played Bejeweled 2. Well, yeah sure, I live such an exciting life, but then again...
I guess this is it for today, till next time, Stay safe and stay well...
Another day of the samething at work, a grey and cold day, I did look forward to the ride home on the bus, I fell asleep and at one of the park and ride stops, the bus driver thought I got off at that particular stop, turns out, it wasn't my stop.
Anyway, after getting home, first thing I did, like I have been doing since Sunday, played Bejeweled 2. Well, yeah sure, I live such an exciting life, but then again...
I guess this is it for today, till next time, Stay safe and stay well...
Monday, April 25, 2005
Blue Monday
Mood: blue
Another grey and rainy day, today at work, I was pretty irritated all day, mostly because of the policy that is currently being "reinforced".
Anyway, not much for today, more next time, Stay well and stay safe.
Another grey and rainy day, today at work, I was pretty irritated all day, mostly because of the policy that is currently being "reinforced".
Anyway, not much for today, more next time, Stay well and stay safe.
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