Since the other one is down...

I'm not sure what to write anymore, not sure of anything, what used to be clear is now not so clear and what I didn't care for, I'm close to becoming.

I'm still technically out of work, although I am working as a contractor, but the work isn't consistent. My truck just started to have some issues with the "Service engine soon" light coming on, after I start it and put it in gear, the engine dies.

I've tried and applied for every kind of job from jobs that I am qualified for to jobs that I am over qualified. I can't seem to get employment anywhere. I don't know where to go, who to turn to and if there is some kind of hope for me, anywhere.

I was once a proud person, a person with purpose, a person who held his head up, a person that was self sufficient and now, that has all changed since being out of employment since July 5th of 2009. I should've made the move sooner from Minnesota to Colorado or anywhere else for that matter. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did, maybe I thought there was some purpose or maybe I had hope that something would happen or something else, maybe I got lazy and didn't want to move, just got too comfortable.

I think I had a feeling that I should've moved, it was back in 2002 or 2003, I should've listened to that feeling, I'm sure that all this would be different and I'd be writing about something different today...

つづく ( To be continued... )

A short reprieve...

I've got a little more time to find something to keep living where I am now... at least the stress level has decreased, but only for a little bit.

If things don't work out the way I need them to, I'll need to decide on where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do...

To be clear, suicide is not an option, but I'm thinking Kwai Chang Cain....

I'm giving up....

This is it... I've exhausted all my options and have nowhere else to turn to. I needed to come up with rent for May and had till Monday, May 8th, 2011 before 09:00 MDT. The agencies that do offer assistance require that I have children or a job, both, which I don't have.

It's Sunday, May 7th, 2011 and I still don't have the money or even the 75 percent of the total rent due to keep me here. I've been looking for employment since July of 2009, sent out about 5 to 600 resumes since then. I've only got about 4 call backs but that is about as far as it goes.

I'd always thought things would end with me doing something heroic, in battle or suddenly... It's been a slow, torturous and agonizing end. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of just getting by, but mostly, I'm just tired and giving up.

I guess this is it...

The final hour is fast approaching for me, but I guess I don't really have any regrets. I should really feel happiness, but can't help the way I really do feel.

You could say that I've lead a life that had it's ups and downs, of privilege and poverty and of companionship and loneliness.

As of late, I suspect that I've been living on borrowed time that didn't really belong to me and should have been returned a while ago. I can't say that I've cheated death or made a deal, but it seems I'm already past my date of expiration.

There was a time when I felt like I was being watched over, but now... I think they just gave up because it seems that I was always in need of help.

I do have to say that I've been privileged to experience the taste of caviar, fine wines and spirits. The warmth and love of a woman, fine meals and the finest confections that life had to offer.

I've had the privilege and honor of traveling to my ancestral homeland, the exotic beauty of the outer Hawaiian Islands and the new and exciting sights some of the mainland states had to offer.

I've observed history in the making, from the return of Apollo 13 splashdown in the Pacific Ocean to the tragedy of 9/11 and the fatal accident with the space shuttle Columbia and finally the end of a terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, with everything else in-between.

I had the opportunity to listen to all kinds of great music and how it has changed through the years, seen great concerts and met all kinds of people, both famous and not.

There were things in my life that I am extremely proud of and there are things that I am not. However there seems to be a saying I once heard that I feel relates to my life - To be born in the shadows, you die in the shadows...

You may ask, “What is this all about?” Well, it started in July of 2009, when I lost my job and due to some things in my background, it has made it impossible for me to find a job. I have the experience and the knowledge, but it doesn’t matter to them. Since then, my unemployment has run out and since that day, I’ve been sending out numerous resume’s, either getting very few responses or no responses at all and without any income, I’ve since sold just about all my possessions to pay my bills.

The only thing left to sell is my computer, the school laptop and my phone. My computer currently is the only other thing that is keeping me together, if I didn’t have a TV tuner in it, I wouldn’t know what else to do… but it seems that may have to be sold in order to keep my apartment… and considering the vultures out there, I wouldn’t get much for it because they want “a bargain”.

I’ll post it anyway to see what kinds of offers they’ll make… It's that or get rid of everything and just be homeless... In April of 2010, there was an article about a woman that committed suicide after not being able to find a job and sending out about 200 resumes, she was very intelligent and very skilled, you can read the article here

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

If there is, I can't see it. After selling my TV and only getting a third of what I was expecting and a quarter of what I paid for, I'm running out of money again and still don't have enough to pay my rent or other bills.

I still don't have a job and 2 weeks ago sold my prized camera to try and pay some bills and get gas for my truck so that I can go on a job search. Just today, I only filled the tank with 20 dollars, which may not last long... I still have school to get to.

I"ve tried adding a donation button here and on my website but it's understandable that there are other people out there looking for moneytary assistance, I just wished that those that could, would donate, help the economy like the oil companies, they profit big time and those that need the money, have none.

Learning more about HTML

Went back to school to get some industry certificates and one of the classes that I'm currently in is Web design.

I've been learning more about HTML so if you notice a change in this blog's appearance and my personal web page, its because I've been using what I've learned in class.

Finally...

They finally got Bin Laden and I'm glad it's finally done. Now the U.S. can focus on important domestic issues. I feel somewhat hopeful that things will finally start to get better, for the country and for me.

I just wish it would happen soon within the next 3 days but I should keep other plans just in case...

This is not going to end well...

I thought I was finally going to get a job after this long hiatus, I was finally going to find a job only to be told there is a hiring freeze... I had filled out all the forms and had also signed up for a training class.

I've just about sold everything of worth and considering selling my computer which I need and hand built myself and may have to consider selling my school issued netbook and my phone. If I do this, I'm just going to give up.

I'm tired of fighting, tired of trying to survive, tired of just looking only to have people being so prejudice.

Hello, been a while...

Not sure how much I can take this, been unemployed for a while and now it's over. Just about sold everything to pay my bills and it's still not enough.

I've sent out so many resumes and have gotten very few responses. I guess I'm truely alone and about to lose everything and my self esteem and dignity.