Mood: irritated
Ok, there are some topics that I don't discuss. The reason for this is that there are some people that are uncomfortable talking about such subjects. One of them, as you can tell from my topic today is Religion.
There usually is a time and a place to talk about such and the workplace is not the place (unless it is a business oriented to such). There is this person, we'll call him Spike, when discussing several topics, about work, life etc... he tends to inject Religion into the conversation. I don't mind, but when someone is SO "passionate" about the subject and I can see that they are getting irritated, I tend to go for that raw nerve. Anyway, last week we were discussing jobs and either finding something else that pays more or staying where I am at now. Spike adds that his "father" will provide for him, well, I was thinking that his family (either paternal or in-law), so I replied, "well, that's all and good, but I don't have family that I can rely on here".
Well, the father he meant was God, well, let me tell you, that just opened up the flood gates... You see, religion (Christianity, Catholicism), teaches tolerance and it seems that Spike doesn't have it.
- In addition to the four "cardinal virtues" of prudence, fortitude, justice and temperance some Christian theologians promoted the idea of three "theological" virtues, faith hope and love. Together, they make up the sevel cardinal or heavenly virtues.
Now it doesn't seem very spiritual that a person gives up on a "lost soul", according to Spike's words "I'm done talking to you right now. Your past has got your thoughts of me all jacked up. I will just pray for you. I cannot even convert a peice (sp) of bread into toast without a toaster." Now let me say this, Spike is a young person, in his late 20's and hasn't been anywhere or done anything except live in the city that he's lived in. I've been to different places and to another country, I've seen the worst of people and the best of them, so my opinions are based on experience. Some of the things that I have also been involved with, I have seen just about it all.
Now, Spike's response to all this is "Than my advice is don't complain to me about your life or any of your problems.", never in all our conversations have I complained about my life or my problems, to him or to anyone. I keep it to myself, I believe that my problems are my own unless another is involved in my problems.
The Seven Contrary Virtues:
Humility - the quality or state of being humble
Kindness - 1 : a kind deed : FAVOR
2 a : the quality or state of being kind
Abstinence - voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving
Chastity - purity in conduct and intention
Patience - the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient
Liberality - the quality or state of being liberal
Diligence - persevering application
Now Spike, he's absent in 4 out of the 7 virtues, Humility, Kindness, Patience and Diligence. With humility, he's guilty of being prideful and arrogant of his position at the company, he thinks that he maybe favored at the company, but my experience has taught me that no one is immune from being dismissed, no matter how close (or think so) you seem to someone (i.e. the boss, etc...). In the corporate world, like in the political world, if they are not kissing babies or shaking your hand, without you looking, their stealing their lollipops or stabbing you in the back.
For kindness, it doesn't seem very kind to be intolerable towards a person that doesn't hold the same beliefs as you do. For patience, he's not very patient towards me. Spike has also been inpatient with a couple of people that he's talked to or associate with... not very spiritual if you ask me or others... Diligence, Spike doesn't seem all that diligent, either with work or with his religion. Again, I've never complained to him or the people that I work with about my life or situation.
Everyone at my company had to go to a Harassment training, as defined by the training, Harassment doesn't have to be a physical situation, if a person feels uncomfortable about something and another person continues to make those uncomfortable by pushing their ideals on another, than that is considered "Harassment".
Spike's claim is that people are not his provider, however, I don't see "God" paying his bills, making him healthy when he or his family is sick or giving him food when he's hungry. The people that either use his services or uses the company that he works for DOES provide the money to pay for all of the above. He states that he owns his own business, but if he should be slapped with a lawsuit and goes bankrupt fighting the suit, I don't think that money will appear out of nowhere or as a gift from "God".
Now, my question to Spike and I hope that Spike reads this, is that how many times have I told you F*&$ you? If I did, with the exception of today, it has always been in play. I don't like being lectured or told what to do with my private life, unless you've walked in my shoes, you have no basis for your lectures. If I wanted to be told what to do with my private life, I'd talk to my Aunt (whom I really despise because of this, only because she's trying to control my life).
So get your head out of the clouds and get back to reality. This is the real world, God is there, but he's not directing our lives, we make the decisions and life with the consequences. Also, walk a mile in another persons shoes before judging them. Making judgments on others should be left to God himself. Besides, Jesus died for all our sins, unless we do something that is so heineous... you guess the rest. In other words, I have seen the best and the worst of people, been there done that.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Where to go, what to do, what I could've done, what I could've been...
Mood: not sure
Niitakayama Noborimasu. Sen nihyaku hachi, moichido, sen nihyaku hachi!
Today is December 7th. Not everyone is familiar with the significance of the date and it seems that a lot of the younger generation has forgotten what happened that day on December 7th 1941 at 0755 that morning.
For me, I can't forget, my family was affected by this date. My grandfather was interned at Manzanar in California. Manzanar was a Japanese "relocation" camp for those of Japanese ancestry who were considered a risk to the United States of America.
The other date that also has a big significance for me is August 6th 1945 at 0815. My ancestors and family are from Hiroshima, one of the cities that the first Atomic bomb was dropped, the other was Nagasaki on August 9th in 1945.
If anyone is wondering what the first line of todays journal means, in Japanese, it means "Climb Mount Niitaka, 1208, repeat, 1208" which was the Japanese Imperial fleets code to commence the attack on Pearl Harbor. The meaning of the code phrase is "NIITAKAYAMA is the highest mountain in the Japanese Empire. To climb NIITAKAYAMA is to accomplish one of the greatest feats. In other words undertake the task (of carrying out assigned operations). 1208 signifies the 12th month, 8th day, Itex time."
Anyway, continuing on from the History lesson and going into the meaning of the title of this entry... lately I've been thinking of what it would've been like if I had gone into the Military, I suppose that I could still sign up for the reserves, the age limit is 40 years of age. If I had gone in right after high school, I think I would've made a career out of it. I wonder if I would've chosen the Army or the Marine Corps. Either way, PsyOps or Recon would've been what I would have like to have selected as my MOS.
Both would have been just the type of MOS for me, I wouldn't want just infantry, something where I would have been on my own a lot. In high school, when my friends and I used to engage in war games, I used to go off on my own and operated the best alone. I would be the one to make the first hit and take the last hit. Mostly not at all, all of my friends would get tired of searching for me...
Niitakayama Noborimasu. Sen nihyaku hachi, moichido, sen nihyaku hachi!
Today is December 7th. Not everyone is familiar with the significance of the date and it seems that a lot of the younger generation has forgotten what happened that day on December 7th 1941 at 0755 that morning.
For me, I can't forget, my family was affected by this date. My grandfather was interned at Manzanar in California. Manzanar was a Japanese "relocation" camp for those of Japanese ancestry who were considered a risk to the United States of America.
The other date that also has a big significance for me is August 6th 1945 at 0815. My ancestors and family are from Hiroshima, one of the cities that the first Atomic bomb was dropped, the other was Nagasaki on August 9th in 1945.
If anyone is wondering what the first line of todays journal means, in Japanese, it means "Climb Mount Niitaka, 1208, repeat, 1208" which was the Japanese Imperial fleets code to commence the attack on Pearl Harbor. The meaning of the code phrase is "NIITAKAYAMA is the highest mountain in the Japanese Empire. To climb NIITAKAYAMA is to accomplish one of the greatest feats. In other words undertake the task (of carrying out assigned operations). 1208 signifies the 12th month, 8th day, Itex time."
Anyway, continuing on from the History lesson and going into the meaning of the title of this entry... lately I've been thinking of what it would've been like if I had gone into the Military, I suppose that I could still sign up for the reserves, the age limit is 40 years of age. If I had gone in right after high school, I think I would've made a career out of it. I wonder if I would've chosen the Army or the Marine Corps. Either way, PsyOps or Recon would've been what I would have like to have selected as my MOS.
Both would have been just the type of MOS for me, I wouldn't want just infantry, something where I would have been on my own a lot. In high school, when my friends and I used to engage in war games, I used to go off on my own and operated the best alone. I would be the one to make the first hit and take the last hit. Mostly not at all, all of my friends would get tired of searching for me...
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
The Shield
Mood: not sure
Hurt (mp3)
The lyrics from yesterday's title is from the teaser for The Shield. Vic Mackey is a character that I've identified myself with. As described on FX's The Shield website:
"Vic Mackey, a tough street-savvy detective, lives by his own code of ethics and believes the ends justify the means. He is fiercely loyal and protective towards those he cares about but unforgiving to those who cross him."
The lyrics and mood of the song seem to best fit my situation that I've been going through this year. The next seasons teaser is almost a chronicle of my life since last year.
Since high school and learning the background of my ancestry, I have held honor as my highest ideals and like the Samurai of old, believe in being fiercely loyal and protective of my family as well as to those I consider my very good friends. Like the Samurai, I would sacrifice my own life to preserve the lives of family and friends. The Shinobi or what is commonly known as Ninja's also held these same ideals, but not in such a displayed fashion. At times both of these ideals conflict with each other, but it is an ideal that I have found a way of blending them both.
There are times when one ideal becomes dominate over the other, it is when this happens, I seem to loose my way or forget these ideals. It is these times that situations don't seem to go right and realize sometimes a little too late. It is also those times that give me even more determination and clarity.
This can explain the way that I have been acting lately, cause it seems that I had strayed from the path and have been having a difficult time returning, but I am returning to the path.
"A path that is chosen must be followed till the end"
There are those that may say that we are able to change our paths and we make our own destinies, however I believe my path is set and no matter what people may say, it can not be changed. This may sound like giving up, but its not, there are things in this life that cannot be explained nor no matter what other people may think, may seem like this is an attitude of a person depressed and giving up.
All I can say is that, it is not.
Hurt (mp3)
The lyrics from yesterday's title is from the teaser for The Shield. Vic Mackey is a character that I've identified myself with. As described on FX's The Shield website:
"Vic Mackey, a tough street-savvy detective, lives by his own code of ethics and believes the ends justify the means. He is fiercely loyal and protective towards those he cares about but unforgiving to those who cross him."
The lyrics and mood of the song seem to best fit my situation that I've been going through this year. The next seasons teaser is almost a chronicle of my life since last year.
Since high school and learning the background of my ancestry, I have held honor as my highest ideals and like the Samurai of old, believe in being fiercely loyal and protective of my family as well as to those I consider my very good friends. Like the Samurai, I would sacrifice my own life to preserve the lives of family and friends. The Shinobi or what is commonly known as Ninja's also held these same ideals, but not in such a displayed fashion. At times both of these ideals conflict with each other, but it is an ideal that I have found a way of blending them both.
There are times when one ideal becomes dominate over the other, it is when this happens, I seem to loose my way or forget these ideals. It is these times that situations don't seem to go right and realize sometimes a little too late. It is also those times that give me even more determination and clarity.
This can explain the way that I have been acting lately, cause it seems that I had strayed from the path and have been having a difficult time returning, but I am returning to the path.
"A path that is chosen must be followed till the end"
There are those that may say that we are able to change our paths and we make our own destinies, however I believe my path is set and no matter what people may say, it can not be changed. This may sound like giving up, but its not, there are things in this life that cannot be explained nor no matter what other people may think, may seem like this is an attitude of a person depressed and giving up.
All I can say is that, it is not.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Hurt (Johnny Cash)
Mood: not sure
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,
(Chorus)
what have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,
I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair,
beneath the stains of time,
the feelings dissapear,
you are someone else,
I am still right here,
What have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone I know,
goes away in the end,
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,
if I could start agian,
a million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way,
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,
(Chorus)
what have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,
I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair,
beneath the stains of time,
the feelings dissapear,
you are someone else,
I am still right here,
What have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone I know,
goes away in the end,
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,
if I could start agian,
a million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way,
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Songs...
Mood: not sure
It's almost 0100 CST and I can't sleep. I need to be up for work at about 0630 and be at the bus stop by about 0800 so that I can be at work by 0900. Going to try and pick up some extra hours, I'm sure that I won't see it till either my next pay day after this upcoming one or next month. The zipper on my jacket broke and the snap buttons don't work very well. The jacket is my one and only Winter coat that I have for work and going out. I do have another one but because the seams are falling apart, it's better as a work jacket (like working on the car or yard work).
I do have a rain coat that I rarely use, it's a drover coat, the coat like the cowboys used to wear while riding horses, I don't have a liner for it but I do have either a sweater or pull over that I could wear under it. I just got done water proofing it with a special cream that is specific for that coat.
I've been playing Battlefield 2 a lot, the video card that I have currently is not supported by the game and keeps kicking me out. I want to upgrade my video card, but currently don't have the funds to get the card that I want. Not only that, it seems that AGP video cards are becoming obsolete and may have to concider upgrading my motherboard again so that I can get a PCI Express video card, the problem with that is that I'll have to upgrade my CPU, Harddrive and Memory as well. I know that for sure, I'm not getting an overclocked video card again, too many issues, too many problems.
Now, getting to the title, lately my entries have had lyrics to songs, the best way that I can describe my feelings and my life has always been through music. Music has always been a large part of my life.
It's almost 0100 CST and I can't sleep. I need to be up for work at about 0630 and be at the bus stop by about 0800 so that I can be at work by 0900. Going to try and pick up some extra hours, I'm sure that I won't see it till either my next pay day after this upcoming one or next month. The zipper on my jacket broke and the snap buttons don't work very well. The jacket is my one and only Winter coat that I have for work and going out. I do have another one but because the seams are falling apart, it's better as a work jacket (like working on the car or yard work).
I do have a rain coat that I rarely use, it's a drover coat, the coat like the cowboys used to wear while riding horses, I don't have a liner for it but I do have either a sweater or pull over that I could wear under it. I just got done water proofing it with a special cream that is specific for that coat.
I've been playing Battlefield 2 a lot, the video card that I have currently is not supported by the game and keeps kicking me out. I want to upgrade my video card, but currently don't have the funds to get the card that I want. Not only that, it seems that AGP video cards are becoming obsolete and may have to concider upgrading my motherboard again so that I can get a PCI Express video card, the problem with that is that I'll have to upgrade my CPU, Harddrive and Memory as well. I know that for sure, I'm not getting an overclocked video card again, too many issues, too many problems.
Now, getting to the title, lately my entries have had lyrics to songs, the best way that I can describe my feelings and my life has always been through music. Music has always been a large part of my life.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Coming Around Again (Carly Simon)
Mood: not sure
Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering
(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart
You pay the grocer
Fix the toasted
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl'
Scream the lullaby
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart
And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
(repeat and fade)
Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering
(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart
You pay the grocer
Fix the toasted
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl'
Scream the lullaby
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart
And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
(repeat and fade)
Monday, November 28, 2005
Imagine (John Lennon)
Mood: a-ok
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins)
Mood: not sure
- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood
I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.
- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh
In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.
- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear
Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.
- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home
There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.
- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh
Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.
- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood
I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.
- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh
In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.
- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear
Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.
- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home
There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.
- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh
Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
California Dreamin' (Mamas And The Papas)
Now that the weather is getting all "Wintery" (a term commonly used here in Minnesota), I've been thinking of places that are of a warmer climate. It doesn't seem like 10 years living here in Minnesota, but it has, been through 10 years of winters, 10 years of summers, etc... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the different seasons, but I guess being used to having summer all year round (kind of), it makes the winters a little rough.
- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- I'd be safe and warm
- I'd be safe and warm
- If I was in L.A.
- If I was in L.A.
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
I guess lately with all the issues going on in my life, I've been contemplating seeking spiritual enlightenment. Thought of going to church to see if there might be something that may offer some kind of soul calming or relief. I guess, I've been searching for answers to questions that the answers seem to elude me. I've never thought of myself as a spiritual sort of person. It seems that in these times of uncertainty it maybe a needed thing.
- Stopped into a church
- I passed along the way
- Well, I got down on my knees
- Got down on my knees
- And I began to pray
- I began to pray
- You know the preacher lights the coal
- Preacher lights the coal
- He knows I'm gonna stay
- Knows I'm gonna stay
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
Well, I guess theres not much more to this, there maybe changes coming sooner than I had expected, however its a wait and see kind of situation. I'll hold back in giving out that information until that time comes, however like my life, that may never come. Like I mentioned before, I hate being uncertain about aspects and events that deal with my life. I want to be in control but a whole lot of times it difficult to stay in control. If control isn't kept, then it can spin out of control way too fast.
- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- If I didn't tell her
- If I didn't tell her
- I could leave today
- I could leave today
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
Monday, November 21, 2005
Happy F$#@ing Holi- F$#@ing days
Mood: irritated
Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.
At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.
I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.
That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.
I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.
Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.
At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.
I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.
That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.
I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Veteran of The Psychic Wars (Blue Oyster Cult)
Mood: blue
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me
Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.
- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free
I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me
Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.
- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free
I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on
There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.
- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'
- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Ordinary World (by Duran Duran)
Mood: blue
- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...
I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...
I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
- (Just blown away...)
- And I don't... (chorus)
What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.
- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...
Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.
In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.
Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.
I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.
- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...
I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...
I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.
- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive
- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
- (Just blown away...)
- And I don't... (chorus)
What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.
- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...
Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.
In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.
Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.
I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Come Undone (Duran Duran)
Mood: don't ask
At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.
- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.
- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.
Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.
- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.
- (chorus)
- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.
- (chorus)
- Fade...
What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.
I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.
So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.
At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.
- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.
- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.
Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.
- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.
- (chorus)
- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers
- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)
- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.
- (chorus)
- Fade...
What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.
I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.
So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Flying Monkey Butt
Mood: not sure
A new term, it may already be out there, but this is something that I came up with while sitting around with no information to look up, inbetween what needs to be done. "Flying Monkey Butt". A new word/term from the time in High school, "Chik-Boom". If anyone that I went to high school with would know what this means. If you need an explanation, email me and let me know, I'll try my best to put it without being too descriptive, unless requested.
This morning, like the past 3 work day mornings, I didn't want to go to work. I've waited till just about the last minute to leave. Anyway, this morning, I left a bit too late and missed my bus. After checking to see what time the next bus left, which would have made me really late, I decided to drive in to work instead. I guess because I was closer to downtown, it didn't take me that long to get into work and ended up being about an half hour early for work instead the the previous days, which I've either arrived just on time or 5 minutes late...
I don't know if it's been the weather, the cloudy days of recent or what, but I've been having a strong urge to just get up and leave. I guess, if I should just loose it completely, that just maybe the case. Just getting up, getting into the vehicle and just driving away, leaving everything behind. Then again, I would also need to take Samantha with me. The other issue would be dropping off the keys at the rental office and letting them know that anything left behind is there for anyone to have...
I guess the reason I've been feeling the way I do, is mostly caused by what I've seen out there in society. It seems that I've only been seeing the negative side of society and very little of the good side. At times it feels like no matter what I've done or whom I've helped, I just don't make a difference, mostly because those who I've tried to help, end up either going back or do the samething all over again. There are many others in the field that I am in who have said that it can eat you up and over whelm you if you don't seperate your private life with your work life.
At times it feels like I can feel the pain and suffering of the world, at times I just want it to stop, but I know that it'll always be there and at times it seems like that it's all that I'll ever have. Maybe it's loneliness talking now, maybe it's something else, I just need to try and figure out what it is and a way to either get rid of it or control it...
A new term, it may already be out there, but this is something that I came up with while sitting around with no information to look up, inbetween what needs to be done. "Flying Monkey Butt". A new word/term from the time in High school, "Chik-Boom". If anyone that I went to high school with would know what this means. If you need an explanation, email me and let me know, I'll try my best to put it without being too descriptive, unless requested.
This morning, like the past 3 work day mornings, I didn't want to go to work. I've waited till just about the last minute to leave. Anyway, this morning, I left a bit too late and missed my bus. After checking to see what time the next bus left, which would have made me really late, I decided to drive in to work instead. I guess because I was closer to downtown, it didn't take me that long to get into work and ended up being about an half hour early for work instead the the previous days, which I've either arrived just on time or 5 minutes late...
I don't know if it's been the weather, the cloudy days of recent or what, but I've been having a strong urge to just get up and leave. I guess, if I should just loose it completely, that just maybe the case. Just getting up, getting into the vehicle and just driving away, leaving everything behind. Then again, I would also need to take Samantha with me. The other issue would be dropping off the keys at the rental office and letting them know that anything left behind is there for anyone to have...
I guess the reason I've been feeling the way I do, is mostly caused by what I've seen out there in society. It seems that I've only been seeing the negative side of society and very little of the good side. At times it feels like no matter what I've done or whom I've helped, I just don't make a difference, mostly because those who I've tried to help, end up either going back or do the samething all over again. There are many others in the field that I am in who have said that it can eat you up and over whelm you if you don't seperate your private life with your work life.
At times it feels like I can feel the pain and suffering of the world, at times I just want it to stop, but I know that it'll always be there and at times it seems like that it's all that I'll ever have. Maybe it's loneliness talking now, maybe it's something else, I just need to try and figure out what it is and a way to either get rid of it or control it...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Idiots, Dummys, JackaXXs, Morons, etc...
Mood: don't ask
When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!
I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.
I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.
The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.
While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.
I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.
That's it for now.
When it comes to things, people get protective and possessive. When it comes to other peoples things, they don't care. Today, before going to work, I noticed before getting into my vehicle, someone had scraped the side of my drivers side door. Previous to that, someone, it appears, had dropped something on the hood on my vehicle and prior to that, someone smashed my turn signal light. I know that my vehicle is an older vehicle and that it may not be the best looking vehicle, but DAMMIT! I've spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it up to look decent!
I'm also getting really pissed at the rental office for not fixing the front security door, anyone can and does just walk into the building. Why, then, am I paying the rent that I do for something that is broken. Either they don't care or they just don't care... There have been a lot of people leaving and currently there are several apartments that are open. That Idiot drug dealer/user that thinks that he's really the shizzle acts like he owns the place and he don't even live there. I'm really getting tired to the point where I'm about to take some action to get these "undesirables" out of the apartments by force.
I really hate my life, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to associate with anyone... I work in "customer service" and don't want to deal with anyone after I'm done with work. That's why I enjoy working /playing on the computer, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't complain, it doesn't need anything except what you put into it and if really does become a problem, you either turn it off and walk away or clear the drive and re-install the OS. Simple. Done.
The other things that really bother me is these people that win the lottery, granted that recently the person that won it deserves it after losing everything in New Orleans, but all these other people that win, they don't need it. I could use it and put that money to good use. I wonder if most of my problems would go away if I did. I'm lucky, but its the little things and not the really big things that I'm lucky in. Like the line from the Movie "Johnny Mnemonic" I want ROOM SERVICE, I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. Just for the record, I don't care about the $10,000 -a- night hooker, but the money to pay for it all for the rest of my life would be the thing that I want.
While I'm venting here, it really, really, really gets me angry (no, not like Marvin) when I'm working really hard and there are those people that don't give a shizzle about anyone else but themselves, then give a smart arse answer as to why they are not. It also bothers the shizzle out of me when people who think their god's gift to mankind, treats everyone as they were... I honestly swear, if a person does that to me and we were face to face, I would turn their lives into a living hell, not mentally, but physically. I was just about to pummel a person that works at the company that I work at and I'm glad that the person was not in front of me, because I was just about ready to drop him to the ground and put that person into a world of hurt for months, maybe years.
I believe that if it were not for this blog or anything else things would just keep building inside me and the potential for me losing it would be a very possible thing. The thing is, I can see and know what my issues are, but like a person looking from the outside, in, it seems like I can't do anything about it.
That's it for now.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
What Dreams May Come
Mood: not sure
Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.
This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.
As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.
Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?
Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream
Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.
I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.
Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...
Dreams... Some see them in color, some see them in black and white, some remember them, some forget them, some are happy, some are sad. Last night (or early this morning) This dream particularly stood out, not because it was the most wonderful dream, but because it was the first dream that I can remember that didn't end abruptly and I kind of think that may have continued after waking up to take care of something (ok, what I really meant was going to the restroom). In the past I have had dreams that I have woken up crying because of some tragedy, another one I woke up feeling content and another excited because I remember the sensation of flying.
This particular dream, didn't have anything to do with what I was watching before I went to sleep or during the course of my day. I remember that I was recruited for something and ended up confronting 2 of the people that I was sent to observe. The other amazing thing is that no one died and I ended up going home.
As the day goes on and as I write here, the clarity of the dream is slipping away from me and leaving only bits and pieces that I can remember, like at one point I was attempting to swim away from my attacker and one of them made an attempt to swim after me. However, because water is my element, I was able to fight the person off.
Anyway, after waking up, it made me think, is this a premonition of what is to become or is it symbols telling me of what is to happen?
Previously, on my website, I have written down dreams that I have had that I could remember, one of them was about a nuclear holocaust. The way I saw it in my dream and what happened in it was very similar to a movie. Which it appears that I had seen a while ago before the dream. You can read it here: My Dream
Anyway... I can, at times feel my old self coming back, the walls that I had built up when I was in high school and after, they seem to be back up. Living a solitary life, I feel a lot more secure that way and uncomfortable when i'm out in public with a lot or people. Just when I thought I had the walls down and came out of my shell, it's back again.
I've been trying to avoid my old self by going out with my friend on the weekends, but can't seem to get over it. This past Saturday, I had to go out to pick up an operating system for my computer so that I could reload it. All the time while I was out, I felt a bit agoraphobia, the fear of wide open spaces, but seem to calm down when I'm either in my vehical or back in my apartment.
Well, I guess that'll be it for this entry...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
If it wasn't for...
Mood: down
I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...
My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.
The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.
I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.
Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.
I think that if it wasn't for Samantha (my cat), I don't know what would my life be like up until now, what I mean is, I don't know if I would still be around, if I would still be sane (or am I), or if I would be still the way I am...
My situation is getting a little tough, I'm trying to hold on to what little sanity that I do have and cope with all these issues that are going on right now. One of them I can not mention at all right now, the second is my financial situation. The bills are begining to come in fast and furious and I can't keep up, with what I'm making now, I can't seem to have enough to be able to do things that I would like to do or buy. All of my income are going into my bills. The other thing is a person who I thought was a friend, pretty much just distanced himself from me, not returning my calls or letting me know that there is a event to do for the department.
The other department, I have to take a LOA from due to the first situation that I'm not mentioning yet, I don't have any one that I can confide in or anyone that I can turn to for help. The other situation is the rental office, I informed them I wanted to sign up for a year lease, but apparently they only understood my information on the new vehicle and not the lease part. Now I'm on a month to month, which is a higher cost.
I guess right now I'm feeling the urge to just get into my vehicle and just drive, doesn't matter where, just anywhere, away from this state, away from my situation. Yeah, I know, it's not going to resolve my issues, but for the time being, not having them to think about for a little while would be great.
Well, I guess this ends this entry, more later, back to the rat race, the race I know that I'll never win and more than likely end up losing.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Hello, it's been a while
Mood: not sure
Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.
As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.
Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.
The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.
Well, it has been a while, but with all the things going on, my life has been pretty stressful, more so lately. I used to enjoy work, but the way things are going there, I don't look forward to going in. Lately I've decided to force myself, I have to force myself, otherwise, I'll end up losing everything.
As it is, the couple of days that I did miss, it's hurting me right now. I've been thinking of taking a second job, as I get older, I don't know if I can handle it and I know it'll take its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I feel as though I'm on the edge already, an extreme edge, the kind of edge that you can feel yourself going, but can't stop it from happening.
Its also not helping with the new people moving in around here either. One of the new "residents" isn't considerate of others and plays his music loud at 7 in the morning, another "resident" has his ride honk the horn when he's here to pick him up, the other people have a lot of friends over a lot and they leave really late at night/early morning and make a lot of noise as they leave. Someone here also likes to leave the security door wide open or disable the door so that anyone can walk in. Some of the other "residents" are either selling drugs or speeding around the parking lot acting like "ganstas" from North Minneapolis.
The wannabes are just that, I would like to see them live in North Minneapolis for a week and see if they still act the way they act. Right now, I just want to be alone, by myself no one to bother. I guess thats the reason why lately all I do is stay in my apartment, only going out at night so that I don't have to interact with anyone.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
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