Coming Around Again (Carly Simon)

Mood: not sure

Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

You pay the grocer
Fix the toasted
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl'
Scream the lullaby

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
(repeat and fade)

Imagine (John Lennon)

Mood: a-ok

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one

Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins)

Mood: not sure

- Christopher robin and I walked along
- Under branches lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to owl and Eeyore
- As our days disappeared all too soon
- But I've wandered much further today than I should
- And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood

I chose this song because it seems lately i've been thinking of the past a lot. You've heard the saying "If I knew then what I now know", well if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up or leave Hawaii, even though the job situation there would have been difficult there for me and the field that I'm in. I still wouldn't have been set on knowing what I wanted to do. Then again, I might not have cared as long as I could go fishing everyday.

- So help me if you can
- I've got to get back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- You'd be surprised
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of Christopher robin and pooh

In a way, I guess, we all are able to go back to those times in our own minds, but the reality of it all is that we all do eventually grow up and at times forget the past childhood memories. For some of us out there, we go back to our childhoods and for others still, more often than most. We all need to find a balance of our childhood and adulthood in order to keep our sanity. For myself, at times I forget to try and keep a balance and that is why we need other people in our own lives to remind us of this.

- Winnie the pooh doesn't know what to do
- Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
- He came to me asking help and advice
- And from here no one knows where he goes
- So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
- How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear

Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving. A friend of mine that I used to work with at a computer company called and invited me over to join him and his family for the day. I think that if he didn't, I would've just sat at home, playing Age of Empires III or Battlefield 2. Either that or being like Mrs. Cravets on BeWitched, hiding behind the shades watching out the window for any problems or potential problems around the apartments.

- It's hard to explain how a few precious things
- Seem to follow through out all our lives
- After all's said and done I was watching my son
- Sleeping there with my bear by his side
- So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
- I swear that the old bear whispered boy welcome home

There has been only 2 places in my life that I felt as if I were home, one was Hawaii, the other place was Japan. I got to visit Japan back in 1984 after graduating from high school, part of a YMCA thing and part of a graduation gift. Even though I wasn't fluent at the time (or even now), I just felt a sense of familiarity and comfort or even something that to this day, still can't describe the feeling.

- Believe me if you can
- I've finally come back
- To the house at pooh corner by one
- What do you know
- There's so much to be done
- Count all the bees in the hive
- Chase all the clouds from the sky
- Back to the days of christopher robin
- Back to the ways of christopher robin
- Back to the days of pooh

Well, I guess that's it for now, be back on Friday, hope that all the readers out there have a very pleasant Thursday. Treasure these moments as if they were your last, they may never happen again, and will never be the same the next time.

California Dreamin' (Mamas And The Papas)

Now that the weather is getting all "Wintery" (a term commonly used here in Minnesota), I've been thinking of places that are of a warmer climate. It doesn't seem like 10 years living here in Minnesota, but it has, been through 10 years of winters, 10 years of summers, etc... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the different seasons, but I guess being used to having summer all year round (kind of), it makes the winters a little rough.

- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- I'd be safe and warm
- I'd be safe and warm
- If I was in L.A.
- If I was in L.A.
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day

I guess lately with all the issues going on in my life, I've been contemplating seeking spiritual enlightenment. Thought of going to church to see if there might be something that may offer some kind of soul calming or relief. I guess, I've been searching for answers to questions that the answers seem to elude me. I've never thought of myself as a spiritual sort of person. It seems that in these times of uncertainty it maybe a needed thing.

- Stopped into a church
- I passed along the way
- Well, I got down on my knees
- Got down on my knees
- And I began to pray
- I began to pray
- You know the preacher lights the coal
- Preacher lights the coal
- He knows I'm gonna stay
- Knows I'm gonna stay
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day

Well, I guess theres not much more to this, there maybe changes coming sooner than I had expected, however its a wait and see kind of situation. I'll hold back in giving out that information until that time comes, however like my life, that may never come. Like I mentioned before, I hate being uncertain about aspects and events that deal with my life. I want to be in control but a whole lot of times it difficult to stay in control. If control isn't kept, then it can spin out of control way too fast.

- All the leaves are brown
- All the leaves are brown
- And the sky is grey
- And the sky is grey
- I've been for a walk
- I've been for a walk
- On a winter's day
- On a winter's day
- If I didn't tell her
- If I didn't tell her
- I could leave today
- I could leave today
- California dreamin
- California dreamin
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day
- California dreaming
- On such a winter's day

Happy F$#@ing Holi- F$#@ing days

Mood: irritated

Ran out of cigarettes, ran out of Money. If I wasn't the creative cook that I saved the chicken bones from the last time I had a whole roasted chicken (which was about 2 months ago) in the freezer, I wouldn't have anything right now except rice. I was able to make Chicken Noodle Soup with that and some egg noodles that I had left over. With the rice, that should last me for another couple of days, if not, I do have a 25 lbs bag of rice. At times i've wished that I stayed back in Hawaii. At least I would have family that I could go and visit during this time. If anything, I fondly remember the holidays back in Hawaii, visiting friends and family. Even on days that were not holidays, friends and family get together. There was usually something going on.

At times, I just feel like giving up, getting rid of everything I own, it would be easier in Hawaii, I wouldn't have to put up with this weather here in Minnesota. It's nice for the weather changes, but anything else... forget it. To have the holiday blues is bad, but to be homesick and have the holiday blues is really bad. There are times that it seems that I can't just cut a break, although, I'm sure there were many times that I have been lucky and got a break but don't even realize it... I guess those have been too many little ones. I'm still waiting for the big one which may never come.

I'm going down in flames and I am unable to punch out to save myself.

That's what it feels like, day in and day out. I really hate it when I feel that I'm out of control, I know that I need to have control in my life. I need to know whats going to happen, I need to feel as if I am in control. Not the point where I'm pushing my control onto others, but for myself.

I know there are only 2 or 4 times that I am truly and absolutely happy... 1.) Spending Money - I know that this may sound selfish, but I don't usually spend a lot on myself. Not since moving to Minnesota. 2.) Cooking - When I am able to cook either for myself or for people that truly, absolutely appreciate and enjoy my cooking. 3.) Samantha - Even though at times she can be irritating, she is the pride and joy in my life, I guess its the unconditional love that she gives me (or it's because I'm the one that controls her food) If anything else, I make sure that she always has enough to eat and always has food, even though that may mean sacrificing my own self, at least she'll never go hungry. 4.) ???? - I'll have to think further on this one. I want to say the women in my life, but because I've been burned too many times or because I've blindly and foolishly given all of my heart, I always seemed to get hurt.

Veteran of The Psychic Wars (Blue Oyster Cult)

Mood: blue

- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- I've been living on the edge so long
- Where the winds of limbo roar
- And I'm young enough to look at
- And far too old to see
- All the scars are on the inside
- I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

Not much more to say, the lyrics says it all. When I do something, I usually give it all I have and then some. In the end, I just burn out. This holds true for work, for play, for whatever I do. I don't usually like to give up until it's done and complete or until I've tried everything possible and then some and can't anymore. It's all these little battles that it seems that I can never win, but try as I must, I just burn out. Hey, like the line from the Movie Highlander, the first one, "It's better to burn out than to fade away...".

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating up our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

Lately at work, I'm not really enjoying it as much as I did in the beginning, not to mention after a while it becomes a bit (well not a bit, but a whole lot) mind numbing. I really need to take off a couple of weeks, but I can't. I don't want to be idle and end up thinking of the past or fearing the future. Today, was tough just getting into work. As I had posted previously, I don't have the motivation to go into work. It became very obvious when I kept hitting the snooze bar on the alarm, knowing that I should've been up early to start the vehicle due to the temperatures last night. As I got to my vehicle and tried to start it, it took about 10 minutes before the engine was idling. Needless to say, by the time I got into work, I was 45 minutes late. I would've driven in, but right now I only have less than a quarter tank of gas. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my friends house so that I can borrow money for gas, hopefully, I'll be able to fill it with enough gas to make it for another 4 days and be able to buy some food to last me that long.

- You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
- You blame me for my silence
- Say it's time I changed and grew
- But the war's still going on dear
- And there's no end that I know
- And I can't say if we're ever...
- I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free

I have a feeling the the next month is going to be an even greater challenge for me. Don't ask me what exactly, I can't say what it maybe, but I do know it's going to be a great challenge.

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- It's time we had some leave
- We've been living in the flames
- We've been eating out our brains
- Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

There are times that I wished that I was able to go back in time... I know there are a lot of things that I would change in my past. At times, I wonder what it would be like if I had never existed. I know that there wouldn't be too much of a difference to somethings, but I know that there are some people that wouldn't be the way they are that they are now.

- You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
- My energy's spent at last
- And my armor is destroyed
- I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
- Wounds are all I'm made of
- Did I hear you say that this is victory'

- Don't let these shakes go on
- It's time we had a break from it
- Send me to the rear
- Where the tides of madness swell
- And been sliding into hell
- Oh, please don't let shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on
- Don't let these shakes go on

I want to remind the readers out there, that this is just words and not intentions or signs of something dreadful yet to come. I put my thoughts to words so that they do not become actions. If I had intended to do harm, I can assure you, that it wouldn't be very nice, nor will it be subtle. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, the songs also help express my feelings. I'm not really a touchy, feely sort of person in public. You could say that I have a Samurai complex. I'll try to explain this in a later post if I remember or if someone reminds me.

Ordinary World (by Duran Duran)

Mood: blue

- Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
- Thought I heard you talking softly.
- I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
- Still I can't escape the ghost of you
- What has happened to it all?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is the life that I recognize?
- Gone away...

I guess living a solitary life can get to everyone at one point or another. For some reason, I find and grow attached to songs that seem to relate to my life in one way or another. Back in 1989, I was married to a very wonderful person, but mostly because of my, well, I can't figure out the one word that would describe that feeling or situation or person. I regret that I had let her go, she asked and I didn't say anything to stop her from leaving. At the time, I felt that if someone really wants to go, you shouldn't force someone to stay, that would only make it more difficult.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
- "Pride will tear us both apart"
- Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
- Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
- What is happening to me?
- Crazy, some'd say,
- Where is my friend when I need you most?
- Gone away...

I've been trying to learn how to survive since then and am still learning how to survive all these things that have been happening since i've moved to Minnesota a little over 10 years ago now. I'm sure that i'll continue to live, but I wonder about my sanity with all the pressure that i've kept to myself unlike some or most people of having a way of relieving the pressure through working out or something, it only helps for a little while. The only person that I have to blame is myself and isolating myself from everyone. Like the line from the song states, "Where is my friend when I need you most, Gone away...", I'm not the type to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt, those that I have opened up my heart and soul with in the past have been hurt emotionally pretty badly.

- Chorus:
- But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
- Somehow I have to find.
- And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
- I will learn to survive

- Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
- Here today, forgot tomorrow
- Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
- Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

- (Just blown away...)

- And I don't... (chorus)

What I'm about to confess here, to the readers of this post, I ask, do not feel sorry for me, nor treat me any different from how you would treat me before reading this. I also ask that you do not talk to me about what I post in this post to me cause I'll deny it all, mostly because of my pride and because I don't want to appear weak to anyone else around me.
At times I may appear tough or a little bit calloused about things, I guess i'm really a closet gentle person and not as tough as I try to appear. I still regret not staying with some of the women in my past, it wasn't anything that they did, it was just that I didn't know what I wanted. I've also felt that if I was unable to help support a family or to be really committed and responsible, I wouldn't be ready to be in a relationship. I know that there were a couple of people in my life that were not ready for that kind of commitment, but there were the others that were. I also know, in addition to this, my other issue, I'm afraid of being alone or having someone leave me. I know that this has to do with my parents getting divorced and by my moving from place to place and not having a steady friend and family in my life.

- Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
- Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)

- Any world, is my world...
- Every world is my world...

Yes, I know that lately my posts have been pretty dark and implies that I'm close to being self destructive, however, this is all that it is, just words and nothing more. For some reason, I feel as if there is something that I need to accomplish before the end and I can't leave just yet. Either that or I'm some cruel joke to a being of a higher power just to see how much I can take before my breaking point. All I can say is that, right now, as of this entry, I'm at the very edge and about ready to jump instead of getting pushed off the edge.

In this job that I'm working at, I do have to admit that there are pleasant people to work with, however its those people that make it so very unpleasant that makes me wonder why I ever stay around to begin with. I have had people in the past make me very glad and proud of the job that I do, especially when you see an obvious change in their appearance and attitude towards everything. Unfortunately, those occasions have been far and few in between. I have doubts about myself and wonder why do I do it in the first place. I try not to think about it, but again, it seems that I can never dismiss anything and it comes back to haunt me in the future, over and over again.

Lately when I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone leave my apartment. I dread having to go into work and deal with the abuse (verbal or mental) that gets dished out day after day, week after week, month after month... It doesn't help when you have no money, no fuel for the vehicle and no food except only rice for food. Its not too bad for the first couple of days of adding things to rice to satisfy your hunger, but after about 3 - 4 days of doing that, it gets harder and harder. Usually writing about these things makes it a little easier to cope with, but right now, its not doing a thing for me. Right now (not that I would really do it), I have the urge to walk right in front of the next passing, largest vehicle on the road and be done with it all. Again, I wouldn't really do it, but the thought of it has crossed my mind. Like I had mentioned in my previous post, I just can't.

I just had to mention this, there is this episode of the Twilight Zone (The classic series), called "The Night of the Meek", stars Art Carney. Anyway, Henry Corwin, a down-at-the-heels department store Santa, dispenses Christmas cheer to a mission house with the help of a sack that will produce whatever one asks for. I see that episode, I wish it were me, if you have the opportunity to see it, watch it.

Come Undone (Duran Duran)

Mood: don't ask

At times I felt as if I were about to come undone. As of late though and my reasons for not writing much like I used to, I've been feeling as if everything truly is about to come undone. There is so much that I've been keeping inside, much more that I used to be able to hold back and it seems like if there are things that just keep happening one right after the other.

- Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
- Signed, with a home tattoo, happy birthday to you was created for you.

- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

I guess it all started right after I was layed off from my City job that I really enjoyed, but because of budget cuts... things started on a downhill slide, after being without a job for about several months and several other things until I ended up here at my current job. Before being employed at my current job, my previous job had some incidents happen that had caused me to start writing in a journal. I have been trying to keep busy but it's so difficult to keep my mind off of my issues.

- Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
- And blow me in to cry.

Now with the Holidays coming up, like everyone else with the holiday blues... it never really bothered me before however since moving to Minnesota, it keeps growing, getting larger and larger. At times I can feel myself just giving in but for some reason I keep fighting back, it's almost like there is a voice somewhere deep inside me saying "wait, there are good things that are about to happen", "you can't".
Thanksgiving is next week already and right now all I have is Rice, a little bit of Peanut butter, Strawberry Jam, butter, Coffee and Japanese cheap green tea. I ended up having to sell a couple of things so that I would have some money for gas for my vehicle and ended up having to drive into work, now with whatever money I have left, I have to try and top off my gas tank till my next paycheck, wash laundry and if I'm lucky, get some food to last me till next week Friday.

- Who do you need'
- Who do you love'
- When you come undone.

- (chorus)

- Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
- Chill, is it something real, or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

- (can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
- (can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

- Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
- Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
- Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
- And blow me in to cry.

- (chorus)

- Fade...


What it comes down to is that right now I have no Money, I paid my rent late (so tack on the late fee), my insurance was do, my vehicle registration was due so that pretty much wiped out my entire paycheck, I still have some other bills that I need to take care of but am unable to do that right away. Everyday is a struggle, I don't know how much more I can take. My only request if I do go is that let it be quick and painless. If that is not possible, let me go down fighting an honorable fight. To go in battle would be the highest honorable way that I could show to my family and ancestors homage.

I do know that little by little, I can feel myself slipping away. I guess truly, ending up fading away in the shadow is a fate that is still unclear, no matter where I look for the answers or how long it takes.

So as you can see and understand why I feel the way that I do. I know that it could be worse that I could be living on the streets in a cardboard box with winter coming, but it's the fine details of my life that is also added and come to my feelings as of recent.