Mood: not sure
Deacon Blues (wma)
Here is a song that I feel is me to a T...
This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
CHORUS
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be
CHORUS
Deacon Blues (mp3)
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Is this what it is like?
Mood: down
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
I can see the wall, but its like there is nothing that I can do to stop from hitting it, its like I'm moving at 100 miles per hour, the brakes don't work and the steering isn't working as well. I hate saying this, but I don't even know why I even put up with living anymore, at least the only person that is going to get hurt is me and no one else. I've come to realize that I'm too proud to ask for help and feel that my honor will be damaged, it's my honor that is more important than everything else.
I couldn't help from stopping at the liqueur store and picking up a bottle of malt whiskey, I feel that if I start that bottle tonight, I won't be able to stop and may not want to stop, the only thing else that I'm missing is the sleeping pills. I'd rather go out quietly and painlessly than making a noise and in intense pain. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up... I keep asking myself, why do I exist, why do I even bother trying, what is the purpose of my existence when all I am faced with is pain and mental anguish?
I know that by today's standards they have a pill for everything, but I don't want to take a pill to fix my thoughts to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be thinking. I suppose that since I chose to live my life in the shadows, that it is only fitting to fade away in the shadows. This is the way and life of a shadow warrior and once that path is chosen, a shadow warrior can never emerge into the light to become a Samurai, this is how it is, this is how it will always.
I know that there are a few people that I have made a difference, but those are the few and by now have already forgotten who I am. It seems that I am not happy here or where my hometown is, no matter where I go, I'll never be. Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way, I don't talk and answer myself, I have so many thoughts and no way to clear them, maybe the alcohol will at least stop some of the thoughts for a little while. There are times when I get so very angry and have to walk away, I know what I can do, but I know that if I do, I'll end up regretting myself even more...
Right now I am feeling pretty sleepy, I don't know what it is that I did, but usually I don't get sleepy at around this time. I don't know if it's all the anger or the depression that has taken a lot out of me, all I know is that I just want this all to end, I know that I'll have a few things that might hold me back, but I think that I've gone about as far that I can in this life.
To those who read this, if you know who I truly am, all I can say is it's not so bad, I've done nothing spectacular that would be remembered or missed if I were no longer, I think I've done enough to upset and turn people away from me, I mostly think that the reason that I have done this is so that I won't be attached to anyone. I may show a tough exterior, but my feelings and thoughts are like anyone Else's. At times I do this so that I don't appear scared, or appear to not be shocked, or to make those people who see me seem like I'm a tough person.
Right now my thoughts are so jumbled, I know that I'm not making sense, but I just need to get it out before these thoughts return to the dark corners of my mind and maybe resurface at a later time... I guess at times I wished that I would be like everyone else so that I would fit in, but there are times that I just would rather be alone, with a computer as a constant companion, never having to rely on each other and accepting those things that make up who we are...
I hate having to put on a face to show everyone the me that they know. There are very few people that I know who are who they really are and not a facade of what they want to show. Those people, I know who are the real people because my feelings have told me so...
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Strange happenings...
Mood: not sure
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Last night, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming this or not, but for some reason I remember going to the door of my apartment because I heard something going on outside the door, I remember looking through the peep hole and not being able to see anything as if someone had covered the hole. As I was leaving for work this morning, I double checked the peep hole and was able to see out... Now, was I dreaming or did it really happen or is it something yet to come?
Yesterday, I didn't get any sleep, at most, I got an hour, half hour on the way to work and half hour on the way home. What happened last night could have been a result of sleep deprivation. At this point, all I can think of is my issue and I feel as though I'm about to hit a wall and hit it hard...
For the next two days, I've got a lot of things that I have to do or don't want to do. I would rather not have to do them, but it's not really a choice that I can make.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
No matter how far a jackass travels, it'll never return a horse...
I've pondered the meaning of the title of this journal entry after hearing it from a Japanese Animation movie called Ghost in the Shell 2, Innocence. In a way, it means that no matter what you do, it'll never change, the same goes for habits.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Lately, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, mostly because I would rather just stay there than leave the security of my apartment, hidden away, not having any contact with the outside world. As long as I have food, electricity, cable, an Internet connection and of course cigarettes, it's all good. This self imposed self isolation is my way of dealing with the world and my issues.
The other thing that I also need to consider is the well being of Samantha, of course, she's enjoying the company because of my being home as much as it's possible, but then again, at times she can also drive me up the wall with her constantly needing attention and "talking". When I say talking, No, not the kind that she's telling me to do things, just her meowing... If I did hear her telling me to do things, I would definitely seek some sort of professional help.
I guess this is my fate and my destiny to be alone in this world, unable to locate my soul mate and find the happiness that seems ever so elusive but present for everyone else.
Friday, May 06, 2005
The Missing days...
Mood: don't ask
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
I know that I've missed about 3 days worth of entries, but there was nothing to write about, I spent the last few days as a hermit, only emerging from the safety and security of my apartment to either mail a letter or find something to eat. I was a bit reluctant to even come to work today.
I've been considering on taking a trip and not coming back, I guess in a way it's not that difficult for me, especially since I don't have roots anywhere. My only connection to where I'm at is Samantha and my computer, I think that if I had a laptop, it wouldn't hold me back from just getting up and leaving. I've grown so attached to Samantha though, she would be really difficult to leave behind.
This is not going to get better until I can resolve these issues that I am currently faced with. You could say that these issues are life changing and could effect my outlook on life. I wonder if this is my fate that was forseen a long time ago. I'll explain... A long time ago, it was foretold that there would be some events in my life that would signal the end of my current journey, I know that I'm being pretty vague, but it's something that I've never told anyone, or at least one other person.
I know that running away doesn't solve anything, nor does it make the problems go away, but I'm getting tired of taking the rough route, it seems that everyone else is taking the easy route and they get what they want, I want to be the one that get what I hope for, what I want, what I need. I'm tired of having to work hard at anything and just want to take the easy way.
Well, on the way home tonight, gotta love the drunk drivers, saw 2 of them on the way home, both of them weaving in and out of the lanes, braking for no apparent reason... As long as they are not behind me or on the side of me, good luck.
Anyway, more later...
Monday, May 02, 2005
Should I, or Shouldn't I...
Mood: down
Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.
This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?
Can't get over this feeling. I didn't go into work today because I haven't been getting much sleep in the past couple of days and I don't forsee me getting a good nights sleep anytime soon this month or the next until this thing goes away.
This problem has been taking up my every waking moment and even in my sleep. I guess it's just that I wished I had never done what I did and I can't change the fact that I did it. If there was a way that I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did and to force myself into staying with school after I graduated high school, I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
At this this point, I feel that I have only one option and I don't want to think of what that option would be, although this has been consuming me to the point where I feel that this is my only option. I've considered other options, but they don't seem to be a viable option. I often wonder if I'm supposed to be in this life or some other life. I also wonder if my exsistance was a mistake?
Sunday, May 01, 2005
On a downward slid
Mood: down
I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.
I'm going down and going down fast. Losing sleep and not being able to think clearly or be socialble.
I hate to put it here, but I'm wondering if my time here is really worth anything. When I say here, I'm talking about my life and not this journal.
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